So Many Excuses, None Of Them Good.

I was a baby when my father left me and my mother. They had married in 1990 and I was born in March 1991; he left in November of that year. My mother assumed he went back into the military because in 1992 she got a call saying that he "died in action" and was presumed dead. Despite this, no death certificate was produced.

My mom and I accepted that he was dead but then I got paranoid when I was a teenager that he could possibly still be alive. Instead of telling people he was dead, I would tell people "lies" about my father: that he lived in California (where he originally was from), that he went back to his first wife and first son that was three years older than me. My dad is one of the main reasons why I "dislike" California (no offense to Californians).

When I was 20, I found my father on Facebook 19 years and 11 months to the day he left. He was alive and well and the "lies" I told everyone about him were true: He DID return to his first wife and first son after he left me and mom, and he WAS (and still is) living in California. He and his first wife broke up though when his older first son was seven but they kept in contact. After I found him on Facebook, I sent him a friend request and sent him a message saying hi. He didn't respond; instead he took my profile picture and stated "GUYS I FOUND MY SON". His sister (my aunt) and his aunt did the same thing. I took all I had not to cry; I sobbed anyway.

Needless to say, we established contact and began talking via e-mail and later text message. I also began talking to his older first son (for some reason, I will not call him my half-brother, it's too complicated to explain). Of the things me and my father talked about were women (and how much he hated and distrust them; I blame his mother who was emotionally abusive towards him), zombies (and how much he thought they were going to take over the world; I blame his military experience and video games that he loves to play), video games (which were about zombies), and fatherhood (and how proud he was to have both of his sons back into his life). The guy was crazy but so am I. He was just like me. He thought like me. I talked to him on the phone twice and he sounded like me. I saw a picture of him months before we met and he looked like me. I pretty much was his clone.

I hated him. Simply put, I hated him and I hated his older first son. I hated how much I thought about them, I hated how much I wished to be near them, I hated how much I looked like the both of them (his older first son heavily looks like him too), I hated how much our lives resembled each (we were both at odds with our mothers...except I actually love my mom, he hates his), I just hated him so much. I hated how much I cried over him and his son. Long story short, I hated him. I hated him so damn much.

Why I hated him, I couldn't figure out. Did I hate the fact that he left? Did I hate the fact that I inherited everything of his, from his traits to his struggles with paranoia? Or maybe I hated the fact that he robbed me of having a relationship with my half-brother (or as I've been calling him "his older first son"). To be honest, I never wanted to be some man's son; I did however wanted a brother. But my father's older son, just like his brother (my uncle), was aloof. Every bit of contact we had seemed forced. And now I realize that he FELT like he had to talk to me; he didn't really want to. Meanwhile, my father seemed genuinely interested in keeping contact with me but I questioned his "authenticity" and I could never trust him.

I could come up with a number of reasons why I broke contact with my father and his side of the family but the real reason was is that I hated them. But every time we texted and e-mailed, I would reply like I was the loving and forgiving son when really I wasn't. I wanted to screw him over like he screwed me over.

Then I found out he was emotionally, verbally, and mentally abused by his mother. And that's when I realized what I was doing the same thing to him (pretending that I wanted to be civil with him when I was just "playing with his mind"). And that horrified me a bit. One of the other reasons why I broke contact was because I was tired of thinking about them all of the time and feeling emotionally about them when I thought they wouldn't have felt the same. I pretty much thought that time was being wasted trying to go after something that was never going to happen.

I got in contact with him in October 2011; I cut contact with him in October 2012. I felt free and relieved. I felt like it was the right thing to do. Sadly, I still think about him and his older first son but not as much as I used to (with sadness) when we still talked. I am trying to block him out really as I already have a family that loves me. My mother and her side of the family. I don't want him and I don't need him; and he and his son should feel the same about me.
chrisfletch chrisfletch
18-21, M
1 Response Jan 13, 2013

Men and women more so these days dont think about the pain the kids will go through when there is divorce. I am sorry you were abandoned by your ***** donor Dad. Just remember that you are lucky in that your Mom loves you and her family loves you and sometimes this is more than other kids have. Appreciate what you do have and you will be OK. Just focus on bettering your life and educate and work hard and choose your mate well and dont leave your kids when you become a Dad. See and watch others mistakes and dont do what they do. Life is too short.

Thanks. I thought I would've gotten chewed out because I rejected a dad that wanted me in his life so to speak. To think there are people out there who actually want their dads in their lives but are rejected by them. And here I am keeping mines at bay. But yeah...thanks. :D