It's Still Painful...

I come from a very dysfunctional family. I have two sisters, my parents are divorced and I am only in contact with my mom. It is easy for me to avoid getting in touch with my sisters and my dad. I have learned over and over how painful it is to be in contact with them. I haven't been in touch with one of my sisters for 15 years. My other sister was also out of my life for 15 years until I let her in again, for several months, only to find out (again) that it's too painful to be a part of each other's life. I cut off ties about three months ago. Overall, it's a big relief, but I now find myself in a wave of grief. This grief also includes my dad. I cut off contact with him about 4 months ago. He is has a personality disorder and is cruel. I haven't seen him in about 20 years. I cut him off then, and then emailed him about 10 years ago and began to maintain contact through email only. Some of it was fun, nice, felt great. Some of it was terrible. He wrote some things about 4 months ago that I just couldn't excuse.

The grief I feel now, involves a sadness and heartbreak about these 3 family members. I see them living in a dark way, never getting help, and sort of suffering. I realize it is their choice how they live their lives. They can be as miserable as they want.
Another part of this is a sort of survival guilt. I'm doing really well in my life. I've worked hard to become a healthy person and it has paid off. What about them?
Lastly, it is very strange to have family members who are living, but are sort of dead to me. It seems like there needs to be a funeral or something. I need some closure and am thinking about a ritual to help me move along with this process of detaching. I have written to them, without sending the letters... I wish them the best. I need to keep my distance - forever. I need to really totally let go.
tflg77 tflg77
46-50, F
1 Response Jan 15, 2013

i can relate, message me if you want to talk.