One night myself and a guy called Paul were walking home from a party.

Hand in hand in the warm summer we strolled under the orange street lights and I knew that we were going to be lovers and that we would grow old together.

How cruel is fate though.
As we rounded the corner there were 2 rednecks ( if rednecks can be black). Bigots I suppose is a better term. They attacked us and suddenly the fears of my childhood and the fears of family rejection came back. So strong were they that I denied my love for him, both verbally and internally, and I ran and hid my shame. I have never seen him since.

That sliding door moment took me down a path that led to marriage and a step daughter and a marriage with no sex.
I have regetted that moment for 20 yrs.
I have to think that it was meant to be but I still rale at the cruelty of making me live this lie.
iandiswhoiam iandiswhoiam
51-55, M
1 Response Aug 21, 2014

There is a time for everything. Yours sounds way overdue. I hope that you find the love you're looking for soon. And spend an evening in it with no regrets.

Thanks Milo.

I'm so sorry. In my own way, I could relate. I'm bisexual and I was with a girl and broke it off bec I met a guy and wanted to fit in, and have kids. I married the guy, and she committed suicide in 2000. I am now divorced, and the kids live with my ex-husband bec I have poor health. I am in a wonderful committed relationship with a wonderful man, but I still feel guilt.

I never find guilt very productive. I certainly wouldn't feel guilt over your girlfriend. No one thing would cause her suicide. I'm glad you have found love though. That's positive.
have a great Sunday. X

thanks so much.may I ask, why are you still married?

I fell for my step daughter. Not sexually of course but she needed a father and when I met her and her mum she didn't have one. We bonded (i think because we were the same mental age at the time. She was 2. Lol). Then I couldn't leave.
18 years later and the bonds of duty to my wife and the knowledge that if I don't stay my daughter will have to give up her life to look after her. (She has health issues that will only get worse). And so I stay.
i do love her, as well, just not sexually.
i do get lonely but it's not all bad.

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