I Want To Forgive My Dad...

I want to start off by saying that regardless of what I say on here, I really do love my dad, I just have to get this off my chest. So When I was 2 years old my parents got a divorce, this is not something I remember. However, I do remember them fighting and being there crying, and also having a thought of "why isn't anyone comforting me?". Well, there was a long custody battle and my dad won. There is a long story behind how that happened, but my dad basically stalked my mother and harassed her while she had custody of me after the divorce... he received help from his dad and got a good lawyer and somehow received custody. After that I lived with my dad in an apartment and all I have are some flashbacks that leave me feeling angry. I have never been a bitter person but it's not until this point in my life that I look back and think to myself.. really?. Well from what I remember my dad would talk to bad about my mother and he showed me a planner that had a calendar in it and how he marked how many times she didn't come over to see me.. basically trying to brainwash me into thinking my mother didn't want anything to do with me. As a child, I knew deep within that she loved me even though she didn't always see me... it was just something I held onto. I also have memories of whenever I would have a temper tantrum I would be put into a walk in closet in the dark (he knew I was terrified of the dark by the way) and he would open the door and throw warm water on me until I stopped crying. Now when I got angry... I was like the devil,but to me that just wasn't right. That wasn't the only way he punished me.. I did get time out and spankings.. sometimes with the belt and "switches". I also have memories of my dad playing the "Pillow Game" with me and this consisted of him putting a pillow over my head until I screamed... I just remember being scared. Also, I had a room that was apart of the living room (it was a one bedroom apartment) and my dad would watch **** on the tv in the living room... thinking that I didn't see. But I was observant and I understood a little of what was going on.. that didn't stop not even until I was in high school. I understand men watch **** but my dad always spelled like his "down stairs" and I had caught him several times trying to ********** and he would try to play it off... also he would always be in his underwear so that made me just about want to throw up. Also, when i would be laying next to my dad, he would put his hands down the back of my pants and touch my butt... now i don't think it went farther than that but now that i think of it... it just doesn't seem right. Fast forwarding to my older days like when I was in middle school, we lived in a dump for a house that was never clean... my parents never saw that as a priority and so we lived in filth..we had roaches and everything. It wasn't just bad because of that...it was never peaceful.. there were fights almost daily.. and sometimes it would become physical.. one time my dad picked up my sister in a choke hold and lifted her up.. my dad also would call my step sister (who has learning disabilities and has seizures) names like "idiot".. "stupid".. "worthless" and to this day he still refers to her that way. Although my dad has never said those things toward me.. he speaks mean toward me when I try to voice my opinion or when I make decisions in my life.. Also, my dad would be so embarrassing because he would speak his loud opinions in public even to the point where people would come up to me and tell me they felt sorry for me because of the way he acts....For example.. he would complain about how mcdonalds does business and do it to where everyone can hear him in mcdonalds.. while he was in line to get food there... I remember some man asking me if that was my dad and then he said he felt sorry for me. .. that is just an example. He also caused problems with my grandmother.. the list just goes on and on... Now there are good things about my dad but those things make me feel sick when I think about it and I was wondering what other's thoughts were on this.. I realize this is a long post...I just had to get it out.
Seeth3sky Seeth3sky
18-21, F
1 Response Jan 23, 2013

Coming from someone who is also trying to forgive my father, I don't know what I can offer you other than that you are not alone. People do things that hurt us, but it's in the past now. If you can learn to let go and forgive, you will free yourself. I am going through that process right now. Good luck to you!

Thank you, I appreciate you taking the time to help. I agree that the only way to move past Is to forgive. I am currently in that process although I'm having trouble knowing how to feel. It just feels fake when I talk to him.
I hope that the process you were going through was successful.