I Never Thought It Would Get This Far.
Ever since I was young, I played games on my computer. Online games. First person shooters. I was always around guys growing up through this hobby because men were the majority of the people who played these games.
Men would flirt and talk dirty and I was simply offended until one day I got curious. I let them talk to me, say things I didn't quite understand. The more I heard though, the more interested I was. I began talking the same, flirting.. teasing. Making these men curious about me. Men of all ages.
I began talking to a guy on a daily basis, this one was my age. Things went too far, I began having feelings for him. Feelings I didn't know you could have over the internet. It was thrilling and scary at the same time. Guys like this came and went for years.
I believe that because I was so flirty online I began to be like this in person as well. I became so outspoken and fearless. I had sex at 15 for the first time. Had sex with several different men, never older than 20.
I also moved around a lot with my parents because of my dads work. As I became a teenager and developed depression/anxiety issues (weird, right?) my dad and I began to not get a long.
These guys I started talking to online became older and older. Up to the age of 30. Some things would get too far and I would grow too attached. Naked pictures would be shared as well as explicit webcam conversations. It became a normal thing for me. I had no fears.
I sit here at 17, depressed, lonely and isolated from the world. Some days I can barely get out of bed. I am getting help for my depression but some months are worse than others. If only my parents or doctors knew about all the illegal things I have been doing... over the internet. I never thought It would go this far.
I have gotten attached to several guys. About 3 in total that I talked to for 6+ months on a daily basis. In November one of them came and visited. We had sex and we are no longer speaking currently. He wanted a commitment from me and I was not willing to give him that. No matter how much I try to change I always end up getting myself into these situations. Of course not getting attention from my father might have something to do with me wanting to latch onto these guys who are in a typing distance away.
Recently I met a man who is 24. He has an established career and can financially support me if I move there and go to school. His success is not the only thing attractive to me. We get along so easily and have many all night phone conversations. He wants me to fly and see him, make these trips regular and then move there. All expenses paid for by him. I know I am isolated here. I am finishing my high school diploma online and I have no friends. No one I spend time with outside the house other then my mom. I see myself moving and marrying this guy. I have never felt like this with anyone before and this is real this time.
I don't know if I am willing to make this commitment right now. No matter how bad I want to leave this house away from my dad and be with someone who will take care of me while I go to school and who will love me and support me. I have never worried about my looks before. Standing at 5'3 and 160 pounds I know I am not the cream of the crop but I know I am not ugly. I have learned to become comfortable with my body but whenever I think of going to see this man I get self conscious and scared. I want this to happen so badly what if I get there and nothing works out? He isn't impressed by me in person like he is from my pictures? I live my life always thinking the worst and I want to take a chance and live in this moment but no matter how much I sit here and say that I am still scared.
Am I just using his as an escape?
What have I gotten myself into? I never thought logging onto a video game would get me this far....