I Never Thought It Would Get This Far.

Ever since I was young, I played games on my computer. Online games. First person shooters. I was always around guys growing up through this hobby because men were the majority of the people who played these games.
Men would flirt and talk dirty and I was simply offended until one day I got curious. I let them talk to me, say things I didn't quite understand. The more I heard though, the more interested I was. I began talking the same, flirting.. teasing. Making these men curious about me. Men of all ages.
I began talking to a guy on a daily basis, this one was my age. Things went too far, I began having feelings for him. Feelings I didn't know you could have over the internet. It was thrilling and scary at the same time. Guys like this came and went for years.
I believe that because I was so flirty online I began to be like this in person as well. I became so outspoken and fearless. I had sex at 15 for the first time. Had sex with several different men, never older than 20.
I also moved around a lot with my parents because of my dads work. As I became a teenager and developed depression/anxiety issues (weird, right?) my dad and I began to not get a long.
These guys I started talking to online became older and older. Up to the age of 30. Some things would get too far and I would grow too attached. Naked pictures would be shared as well as explicit webcam conversations. It became a normal thing for me. I had no fears.
I sit here at 17, depressed, lonely and isolated from the world. Some days I can barely get out of bed. I am getting help for my depression but some months are worse than others. If only my parents or doctors knew about all the illegal things I have been doing... over the internet. I never thought It would go this far.
I have gotten attached to several guys. About 3 in total that I talked to for 6+ months on a daily basis. In November one of them came and visited. We had sex and we are no longer speaking currently. He wanted a commitment from me and I was not willing to give him that. No matter how much I try to change I always end up getting myself into these situations. Of course not getting attention from my father might have something to do with me wanting to latch onto these guys who are in a typing distance away.
Recently I met a man who is 24. He has an established career and can financially support me if I move there and go to school. His success is not the only thing attractive to me. We get along so easily and have many all night phone conversations. He wants me to fly and see him, make these trips regular and then move there. All expenses paid for by him. I know I am isolated here. I am finishing my high school diploma online and I have no friends. No one I spend time with outside the house other then my mom. I see myself moving and marrying this guy. I have never felt like this with anyone before and this is real this time.
I don't know if I am willing to make this commitment right now. No matter how bad I want to leave this house away from my dad and be with someone who will take care of me while I go to school and who will love me and support me. I have never worried about my looks before. Standing at 5'3 and 160 pounds I know I am not the cream of the crop but I know I am not ugly. I have learned to become comfortable with my body but whenever I think of going to see this man I get self conscious and scared. I want this to happen so badly what if I get there and nothing works out? He isn't impressed by me in person like he is from my pictures? I live my life always thinking the worst and I want to take a chance and live in this moment but no matter how much I sit here and say that I am still scared.
Am I just using his as an escape?
What have I gotten myself into? I never thought logging onto a video game would get me this far....

badgirl13942 badgirl13942
18-21, F
18 Responses Feb 5, 2011

Where do you stand? What have you done with your desires.

add me lets chat?

You sound like you need this man. Go out to visit. Have fun and lots of sex. This will help your depression but make your anxiety higher. I can talk to you further about this.

Please add me as a friend and pm me. I have a lot to tell you but I dont want to say it here.


I think in your case an antidepressant is an older guy **** , although it could be addictive . If you decide for an older guy , stick to your own limits and be firm what you don't wont do.

The things you describe naturally lead to the emotions you experienced. One of the difficult things is that the guys you have been meeting online also have their own sets of desires. Overall, the way you approached things was healthy, at first. You became cuious which is a natural thing. You also tried to fill a hole left by a father who did not understand you, and that came across to you as not caring. Chances are good that he does care but doesn't really know how to be your daddy. It is way harder for men to figure out how to be a daddy to a teen girl than most girs could imagine. Guys start out confused by girls as teens themselves, and that usually doesn't change much as we get older. We don't know that girls are confused by themselves at times. Dads have an espeically hard time thinking of their baby girls as sexual beings. We also have a hard time with your budding figure. Some of us are more curious than we like to admit as you develop into a young woman...not wanting to be sexual, but wanting to see more of what is happening and even that is confusing and when men are confused we tend to stay out of situations.<br />
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I wonder if there is a way for you to reconnect with your daddy. I wonder if you can start thinking about the things you like, admire and respect about him and let him know what you think is great about him. His life would be so much better (if he is like me) if he thought he was a kind of hero in your eyes. He may feel horrible about how things are now and wish they could change but be clueless about how to change them.<br />
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About this guy....he sounds nice enough, but you have noticed that your emotions are in a state of flux. You don't really know what you want, so you keep on trying things to see where you fit. You are almost trying on different lives the way a girl tries on different outfits in a clothign store. That is not all bad, but you have to be careful and learn from what you are experiencing instead of letting yourself be constantly hurt. Being hurt is something of a choice that comes from taking things too seriously. You are several years from needing to take things too seriously.<br />
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What do you want to do for a career? Do you want to go to college? Can you go to an "away" school? This is a time to experiment and find out who you are, NOT a time to settle into a "life." Keep exploring until you find what is right. That you are asking the questions you are means that internal warnings are telling you that it is not the right situation. <br />
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As to the depression, since you are on anti-depressants, why not look up "affirmations" online and begin learning to talk positively to yourself about yourself. It is a challenging habit to develop, but no habit will serve you better.

please do not rush, if u do move do not get pregnant anytime soon. especially in these days & ages you just cant depend fully on another person, especially some1 u never met in person.<br />
u feel isolated where u are, u will still be isolated when u move to a new area with this guy.<br />
its ur life but there is much danger. u dont know his living situation, the only stuff u know is what this so called 24 yr. old told u. <br />
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think about it from his perspective, why would a successful 24yr. want with a 17 yr. old still in high school. what would he tell his family n friends with u 2 being together. i say think and if u move away, let ur mother know where u are just in case something happens to u

Badgirl 13942, You are looking for answers to problems that all 17 year old girls have and no 40 year old man is going to help you. They have their own agenda . You should work things out with your family. You do not have to come to your fathers terms but you must resolve the conflict. You were definitely trying to resolve issues by looking towards an older man. That tells me you want to resolve your personal issues. You realized dating older men will not resolve your issues so you next chose a young man. The younger man is an attempt to "in your mind", go with the norm. Now your story posted here is an attempt to reach out, again in the wrong place.There are people here that I am sure would want to exploit you. Forget it ! Go to your family and work out your problems..and never trust people you don't know with your Life. That my dear is Solid Advise!

Very good post here, I know where you are coming from. My GF of 9 yrs had similar upbringing and we have dealt with it for years, overcome it, and still keep it in our minds. According to her, this was something she couldn't get over by herself, but with professional help, my understanding, and going with the flow we worked it out. You will get there too.. don't give up! you sound so 'grown' up for your age and experience. You can do it

Your 17 for starters, you say you can be flirty over the internet and this changed you as a person so what get out there and enjoy your life rather than settling for something that you may not think is going to happen. No friends well everybody has to start somewhere how easy was it to speak to complete strangers online, i'm sure you can manage to go out and mingle right!!!! You'll look back and think why didn't i experience different things going out, meeting people, doing what 17yr olds should be doing. Don't do it have FUN!!! Your young!!

Listen i can't say i know how you feel but as i am 13 my school is always warning me about meeting people that we met on the internet. We have been told some horrible true stories and this guy could not be as good as he sounds just be careful. i think you are scared because inside you know that there is a very high chance something is not right so i would strongly advise you to not move out there keep the fantasy a fantasy because once it becomes real you can't control it anymore. xxxxxx

I have been there. I am 22 years old. If you ever want to talk, please message me. Please don't move out there. Talk to your mom. I wish I had.

am 48 and would love to talk to about it, am in love with a 17 yr old who i speak to every day, you could help me, add me please

love you to add me. xx

You really, really don't want to move out to him! It's way too dangerous for you. Fantasy is fun and safe. Keep it that way.<br />
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So why do you feel attracted to older men? They're daddy surrogates. Men you wish daddy was, but isn't.

U can add me if u like..........

Thats geat advice Undiagnosed u r 1000 % rite.... <br />
Talking online geting each other offis one thing.....<br />
But u need to use ur head online I can say everything u want to hair.... But when I have u infront of me I can do anything I want to u........ U couldn't stop me...... So u most use ur head & stay safe.....<br />
We can talk private if u like but u must cover ur ***......

I know exactly where your coming from. I didnt realise anyone else did the same as me, in the way you have described it, but i do think moving out to him is a BIG mistake. I had the same experience with a man, who wanted to move me out to live with him, but turned out all he wanted was sex, and not with just him..... its too late once you've done it. It hurts you more, messes with your head a lot more than you think. I would advise you not to do it. And if you do decide to move for him, talk to your dad about it, if you argue about it, dont do what i did and move regardless of what he thinks, because you need to realise that he cares about you, and that if this all goes **** up, you will feel EVEN worse than you do now. Trust me. I've been there. x