It Didn't Work Out But I Am Not Sorry
One year ago today, I dipped my toe in the Internet pond for the first time by joining a penpal club online.
blah, blah, scrolled through hundreds of profiles, blah, blah, finally found one not married who lived far enough away from me that I felt safe and who didn't say the usual crap about being an ordinary bloke (not interested in ordinary blokes). There was no photo but that didn't matter, I only wanted someone to write to who had time to write back.
so I wrote to him and said, you sound like a pretty cool kind of guy.
yeah, blah, blah again but we really hit it off right from the start and were soon sharing secrets with each other and emailing long letters just about every day. It was fantastic!
Then we got on Live chat and I saw his photo! I was instantly "in love", couldn't believe it actually. (There's another story to go with this but would take too long to write here. If you're interested, ask me to tell you the story about the Samurai drawing)...
the Live chat actually did damage to our penpal relationship but we had so much fun and got on together so well that I decided I wanted to meet him. It meant I had to travel, to another country actually, but I had holidays from work in store and my birthday and Christmas was coming up. Wild horses wouldn't have prevented me from doing it unless he said no absolutely. He did say no at first because he was worried about not having any money to spend on me and he lives in a share house and didn't think I would want to stay there with him and he doesn't have a car and wouldn't be able to take me anywhere.
But I said I don't care about any of that. I only want to see you. So it was arranged. I went and we had two lovely weeks together.
when I came back home, I went straight from the airport to visit my brother and sister in law, who have the best relationship I have ever known two people to have after a long time of being together. I saw me and him being like them because of how cool we both are and how well we got on together and because even though I blah on a fair bit about loving being single, it's still really only a matter of "I would prefer to be single than with someone who wasn't totally right for me". And being so fresh from his arms and so suddenly far away again made me feel like I wanted to try and make a life with him somehow.
Logistically, it would have been quite difficult but not impossible, I thought. I wrote a rather gushing letter telling him how I felt almost as soon as I arrived back in my own home and his reaction was not the one I wanted.
I won't go into the details but it really pissed me off in fact. at the time. Now of course, sweetheart, if you are reading this, well, you know the story. I love you still and always will.
At the time, I was really hurt and felt very rejected and rather like a fool and very let down and disappointed that he didn't feel the same way, but he did the right thing and was there for me to talk to about it until we managed to find a balance again. We are still friends, although the friendship has changed somewhat. We don't share as much as we used to. Or we do, but in a much less intimate way.
But my birthday and Chrismas and New Year that I had with him, those three days that are usually so angst-ridden for me, were the most warm, pleasant and enjoyable I had had for years and years. I am not one bit sorry that I went all the way over there to see him. It was something I had to do.
I don't think I would do it again though. If I ever meet another person online that I would be interested in meeting in the flesh, they will have to come to me. My home and me are a package deal.