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I Dated Someone Online...

                   But I didn't use a dating site. I was on this fitness website where I was just posting in the miscellaneous section to make myself happy. I was dating a guy from my hometown at the time and really didn't think anything of the unhappy relationship until I started talking to this guy from the site. At first it was very platonic and friendly. We chatted about random ridiculous things and I continued debating on whether or not I should break it off with my current boyfriend. The more I talked with Clark* the more I felt the unhappiness. I finally gathered the courage to break it off with the current.

                   A little while later, I decided to go and meet Clark. He was everything I thought I wanted and was all wrapped up in this big, muscly, meaty package that made me want to drool. We had been talking and sending pictures back and forth and texting and communicating back and forth. I flew out to see him in California, right on the beach, and damn if I wasn't just bowled over. As soon as we got back to his place we could even HOLD our clothes on they flew off so quickly. I knew from the moment that we made eye contact in the terminal that I would never EVER love another man like I love this one.

                   Clark has issues. Not terrible uncontainable ones, but ones that made a LDR even more difficult. We told each other that we loved each other, he even wrote me a long love poem (how I miss those days already) and we made love so many times that I lost count. But those issues of insecurity on his part (and on mine for that matter) made everything blow up in his face and his called a break for the relationship.

                 What I did was inexcusable during the break. I slept with someone else. I drove to go get him, then he stayed with me for a weekend. I never told Clark this after we got back together because I didn't want to hurt him. Then he backed me into a wall and demanded I tell him the truth. After 6 months of lying or lying by omission, the truth finally came out.

              He almost broke up with me for good, and he probably should have because I don't deserve what he has to give. I don't deserve the ring on my finger that he gave me even though I thoroughly betrayed him. I don't deserve his love, but he gives it to me. And now his issues are even worse. Now with distrustfulness I'll never be as close as I once was with him.  And he'll never get the little seed out doubt out of his head. 

               The only way I can make it up to him, is to show him that I will always be faithful to him. When we get married, I will be the most dedicated wife ever. I will never stray. He's the only one for me for the rest of my life.

               I only hope that he will see that eventually.

ruggerbish ruggerbish 22-25, F Apr 20, 2010

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