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This Is My Story, And It's Very Long

As long as I can remember, I have been able to read people and how they are upon first meeting. I am a go with your gut kind of gal and generally don't deviate from this principle. A few years back I had left a relationship and moved out of the shared apartment back on my own. The relationship was dead for months before we finally ended it, so when I finally left I was ready to just see where life would take me. I met a guy with whom I had brief a trist with, it maybe lasted a week or two, fun and uncomplicated. A couple weeks after this trist, I was at work and noticed a co-worker talking to a familiar face. She was talking to a guy with whom I'd worked with before but didn't know very well. He was cute, tall, and at the time we knew eachother, taken, as was I. Now I was single and free to do what I pleased so I took a chance and said hello. We ended up going for lunch which lead into a date that night. I used to smoke, something he commented on but something I wasn't about to just give up either. He made a few references that evening to my smoking but I didn't think anything of it, all I could think about was the daquiri I was enjoyinbg and the gorgeous guy sitting across from me. Our date lead into a little shopping trip, he had asked if I would come with him and I had nothing else to do so off we went. I noticed that while we were out, he had his hand on my lower back when I was in front of him. I didn't think anything of it. When our date finally ended and he dropped me off, he hugged me several times over a period of 10 minutes. This all was a little awkward to me, but I didn't think anything of it, I just figured he was really nervous. Keep in mind, lunch, dinner, and shopping, all happend on day one.
This guy and I started seeing eachother, but only on weekends since he worked out of town. He would email me, facebook me, msn chat, and call me on a daily basis. Due to the subject matter of the conversations, I didn't really see anything wrong with this, it was all pretty superficial. Now, I had been in a very long term relationship and It had been about a month since I last got freaky with anyone. When the weekend came I decided it wouldn't be bad if he wanted to get down and dirty because I was feeling a little ancy. What could a little romp in the sack do anyways, it's just for a little fun and satisfaction? This was the begginging of my realisation that I was dating a lunatic. We had sex 3 times in one night, which was not anything I had experienced before, not like that anyways. The next day when he drops me off after the day together he "jokingly" tells me he feels like he should say he loves me. I laugh it off, but when I go inside I took a moment to really think about those words. I brushed it off.
Week three rolls around and here I am dating this seemingly nice guy who is basically very attached to me. He tells me he loves me at the end of conversations. He calls me from out of town, messages me on facebook, messages me on msn. He calls me beofre bed to say goodnight. I'm starting to get an uneasy feeling but don't know if I'm just over-reacting, It's not like I had any major dating experience under my belt. That weekend he and I go out, he's arranged to go out of town for the weekend and party. I had at this point, been dealing with a serious overload of shifts at work, I think I had worked 23 days in a row. Needless to say, I was extremely tired. The friday night we go out, have a good time, have some drinks. at 11pm I'm just exhausted and want to go back to the hotel. He wasn't very pleased with this, but we went back anyways and I fell asleep immediately. Being that we didn't have sex that night, he woke me up early in the morning to commence the act, no big deal I thought, this is fun anyways. The Saturday we go out again, he's feeding me drinks, we're out at a dance and I'm haveing a blast. Its like 12:30am and It just hits me, I feel like I'm going to just pass out. I tell him that I'm about ready to hit the sack because I'm too tired and had drank too much. He tells me to drink and energy drink, have a coffee. I reply that I don't mix those with alcohol, I knew someone who'd had a cardiac arrest and died from doing that. He seems a little bit off, continuing to persuade me to want to stay out. I'm tired, I don't know anyone, I'm wasted, and I just want to go back to the hotel and sleep, it's been a long month. We leave.
We get into the car and he starts it up. I tell him that I'm really sorry, I've just need to catch up on my sleep now that I have time off, we should have booked this for the following weekend. He's all quiet. I say I'm sorry again, I didn't mean to ruin his evening or anything. He just loses it. He starts yelling at me telling me all he wanted was to have a good weekend but I'm too much of a drunk to know when to quit. He tells me that he did all this for me but that I don't appreciate it, blah blah blah. I am by no means a drunk, but did I ever just lose it, I'm sobbing and crying, he's yelling at me non-stop. We get back to the motel and he starts just shredding into me again, laying on the guilt trip. We go to bed and I'm just lying there awake, terrified, and completely innebriated, what the hell did I get myself into?
The next day we get up and I try to ignore him. I'm tip-toeing everywhere, I'm avoiding him, and just showing my general displeasure. He starts apologizing to me, just so sincere, telling me he has a learning disability and it's frustrating to him. He doesn't always know how to deal with it and it gets in the way of day to day life, sometimes in inappropriate situations. Let me tell you know, I am not a moron. I full well know that his "learning disability" had absolutely nothing to do with the verbal abuse I had experienced the evening before. I forgave him and we went home. He was very nice to me, very apologetic, and very charming. That night, this is all the same weekend, he calls me and asks if I want to hang out. I say, sure, why not. He comes over and asks what I want to do, so I suggest coffee. He doesn't want to go for coffee. I say that I don't have any other ideas. He grunts a little. I ask him what he wants to do, he says "I don't know", then tells me to decide. I said other than coffee I don't want to do much so he gets all annoyed and leaves. 15 minutes later he calls me to ream me out for the gas he had watsed to come and see me for nothing. I tell him he's a moron, that he only live like a 7 minute drive away from me. He hangs up. He called me 9 times in half and hour, each time a little less angry, and a little more apologetic. He comes over and we go for a drive(I know, very stupid). We go for a drive and I told him for half an hour that he was crazy, I actually said the word. I said I've never met anybody who was more insane, who would go so nuts over something so little. He listened, said he knew, and said it all comes back to his learning disability, and his ex-girlfriend from a year ago. Again, I'm not a stupid person, but let me say that this guy made me stupid. I friggin' believed him, and off we went to go make whoppi at the nutjobs apartment.
I forgot a major key point in this story. When we first got together, he mentioned that this girl he dated had gone around and spread lies about him hitting her. I knew this girl, and I didn't particularily like her, so I believed him. One day while driving after the "magnificent" weekend away, he made a very hate-filled comment about somebody who should kill themself, I don't remember what the whole story was, but I was extremely offended as I had a couple friends who did just that. I hit his shoulder with the back of my left hand and told him that was horrible, I was visibly upset by it. I faced forward and he wound up and punched my in my thigh as hard as he could. He gave me a huge charlie horse and all I could think was, "holy ****, I need to get out and fast". I didn't say anything because I was in total shock as nothing like that had ever happened in my entire life. I'm not a victim and never had been until this point.
The next weekend he went out of town to a wedding, thank God, a weekend alone, and I could think about how to get out of this relationship. I had already figured out that this was the kind of guy who would stalk me if I broke up with him. I also had an inkling that if I broke up with him that I could run into worse problems than stalking. I needed a plan, or a distraction, or something, how do women get out of these crazy situations, or do they. I was freaking out. He came back on Sunday and we went to his house, something seemed off. We were talking and I could tell something was going to happened but I wasn't sure what that was. Then he comes out with it. "I"ve been doing alot of driving, which means, alot of thinking. Thinking isn't good. I think too much when I drive" (yeah okay, get on with it). "I think that we need to take a break because I don't think this is working out, it's not you, it's me" (jumping for joy, screaming, woot woot!). "Oh," I say, "well I guess that's okay, I'm not upset by it or anything. I can understand, and no, it's not really working out that well." Then he makes the motion to kiss me, so I do it because really, he's going to be going bye bye, no big deal. Well, he then wants to have sex, so I figure, if it means I never have to see him again, just get 'er done. I go home and feel a huge weight off of my shoulders, I'm freaking ecstatic! I went out Monday and celebrated.
I get a message on msn on Tuesday, "hey I saw you last night". Okay, no big deal I think. "I was going to say hi but I saw you with some guys so I didn't bother" I just tell him they were some friends and that I didn't see him there no big deal. The following Friday I go to the bar, and then the Saturday for some girls time and dancing, I love to dance. I end up meeting a guy whom I met once before. Turns out we're perfect for eachother and now getting married(it's been 3.5 years). The first years into the relationship I would get periodic messages from the crazy guy. He'd facebook mail me, I wouldn['t answer, he'd send me a follow-up telling me he was desperate for a reply. One of his friends texted me 8 months after we had broken up, we only dated for like a month, telling me he was still head-over-heels for me. I never heard anything after that text, and to this day I still have the emails, just in case I need them.
Moral of the story: Don't take ANY possesive type behaviour lightly, it can be the difference between walking away, or getting caught up in an insane "relationship" with a total nutjob!
deleted deleted 26-30 2 Responses Sep 28, 2010

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I'm like you- able to see red flags right away... but I always seem to give the guy the benefit of the doubt. This guy I dated years ago had some drinking/possession problems, but it didn't get out of hand until I told him we weren't right for each other anymore (I had moved away to college and he stayed back where I grew up near my parents' house). I would get a variety of different emotions whenever he'd call and leave messages... extreme anger, extreme sadness, and then... a calmness that had "crazy" written all over it. We had dated only about 7 months, and kept leaving messages saying "you'll be back for me." I'm glad I live away at college and doesn't know where I live. Anyways, I too have found a greater love and am glad he is not crazy at all :) I hope life is going well for you... I loved your story! It really hit home to me.<br />
-Jessica

Quite a story. Hope all is well now. You seem like you would be a good candidate for one of my book recommendations. The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker is a great read and will help you learn to attune yourself so that you can avoid scary situations like this in the future. There were many red flags in this situation but you ignored them for quite a while. Read the DeBecker book and you will be much better able to see those red flags right away and to act appropriate ba<x>sed on them.