Mr Wonderful, But Not Mine....

Ok- so here is the low down-

Just over a year ago I met a guy who was separated. We went on a date, one date turned into 2 etc. At the time he was living separate to his wife during the week ( in the city) although most weekends he was still returning back to the family home to spend time with his daughter ( now 5yrs).He did not wear a wedding ring and told me that they had been separated since 2009, he had seen another woman for a period of time since 2009 and there had been other girls,although his wife, family and friends did not know about them. He informed me that they had been sleeping in separate rooms since they sep[arated in 2009. He had been married 15 years, separated for X amount of them but still no divorce. Ofcourse, just the normal cliche, I fell for him completely, adored him and was infatuated. He told me that the reason they had not divorced was due to the fact, he had messed up in the marriage some time ago yet she had called the relationship off. Initially he wanted to make things work, he wanted them to try ( although he saw another woman- typical man). In the summer of 2011, after a few years of coming and going ( in terms of living in the family home and then living in the city) he finally moved to the city on a perm basis.

As it happened, I was living out of the city when we met, but I had already made the decision to move to the City before I met him for work, so our dates soon became more serious as we spent more time together. One thing I should add here, although I do think it is a bit irrelevant is the fact that there is 13 years age difference. I am 28 years old ( now). So yes, some may say that I am naive.

Anyhow to cut a long story short, we have been together just over a year. We have lived together in a place we rent together since June 2012. I have met his family and his friends. He has met mine. His wife knows about me.

He and his wife apparently want to sort things amicably so are going through the mediation route where they can come to a financial agreement together instead of using costly solicitors. So far they have been to one mediation in early March 2012. Up to now there has been no further movement, although they are set to have one in a few weeks. Still, divorce hasnt really been mentioned or pushed.

I have not met his daughter. She knows about me,knows my voice from when I speak to my bf on the phone, knows my name and has spoken to me on the phone, but his wife has said she does not want me to meet her. Firstly it was because of the daughters vunerability, now it is because she wants to sort the finances out first... This has caused all sorts of problems, as on the weekend when he has his daughter he goes to stay at his mothers with her as she cant come back to our house. He says he wants this sorted and after the next mediation they should be in a much better position to do this. What I find frustrating here, is firstly, I was the one in the initial part of the relationship to say NO to meeting his daughter because I didnt feel it would be right either to his wife or to the child as it would just confuse her, and secondly, I have worked with children in these situations ( custody/ parental contact ) and I have worked within divorce and family law ( I know I should know better then to get myself involved).

Thirdly, his work are still under the assumption he is happily married. Yes, as he has not declared it to anyone at work, his colleagues are still under the impression that he is still with his wife. He hasnt told them and when his wife or daughter is discussed he doesnt correct them, instead plays along. This really hurts, probably the most, as for example recently he was out with a colleague and the colleagues wife came to dinner and he didnt invite me along ( even though I was out with friends) and this was because he was probably sitting there chatting away with her about his lovely family.

Despite the above things, I do want it to work. We get on very well, he is wonderful, even after being together a year the feelings I have for him havent changed. He tells me that he loves me, he wants things to work, and just to hang on in there. He says he wants to get re-married and have children ( with me ofcourse!). So, I have been waiting, although the wait seems to be getting harder and harder and I can feel myself becoming resentful.

It is also hard as I know, understandably, he still cares for his wife. They have been married now for 16 years after all, they have a daughter and she also does not have any family in the UK, so his family are very close to her too. It is just hard when I think may be she will always come first.

So- here I am looking for some outside advice. Some one who is not my family or a friend- an outside perspective. Just for the record, I am in no way insecure, I have a good job, educated, and attractive-( wait,... although this relationship is now making me slightly insecure or should I say low?/). My boyfriend is wonderful, well educated, fun spirted,good job, kind etc. We are good together. I did not end up with him because of any insecurity and I dont think he is with me on a rebound ( he has seen other woman before me who he did not care for like me).

Any advice please????
WaitingpatientlyLNDN WaitingpatientlyLNDN
1 Response Nov 27, 2012

Having dated a separated man myself. Unless the divorce paperwork is dry, you are wasting your time. He'll just keep you hanging on and you could be hanging on for years. He can't fully commit emotionally to you as he has to deal with his ex and child. Him not introducing you to his child because he is not sure if he'll keep you around long enough to marry you. There is no engagement ring so why should he introduce you. He doesn't want his daughter to get hooked on you only for him to do you and upset his daughter.

If you really care about him, get your own life and treat him as 2nd to your life. Don't settle for a man who starts to Deere your self esteem. There are so many more men who are single, divorced, or widowed who are ready to take the next step. Don't waste the next 4 years of your life with a man who makes you question yourself and his commitment to you.

It'll be hard, but find someone else worthy of you.

Remember, he is getting divorced for a reason.