Thoughts From Your "twin Daughter"

My name is Pamela and my dad died on August 16, 2012. Every single day since he passed my life and who I am has changed forever. Losing a parent and witnessing the inevitable of their future being taken from a disease such as cancer is unbearable. My family and I took care of my dad at home through hospice. My father was only 59 year's old when he passed and it hurts my very soul to know that I can't call him on the phone, or go to see him at my parent's house. Losing my dad has affected me in ways that has no healing but just adjusting to a new way of coping with life without him physically being there. I am a single-mother to my seven year old child and my dad was everything to my son so I stay strong for my son's sake but once he asleep I allow the tears to flow down my face. The agony I hold in when I am around my mom so I can stary strong for her takes over and I feel so alone knowing that my father isn't around to guide me in my parenting or to provide constructive criticism that is always in my best interest. As time goes by I realize more and more each day how much my dad and I are alike. He loved antiques and so do I. He enjoyed reading or learning new things and I definitely do. I wish I would have expressed myself more to him and not when he was laying in bed in a deep sleep due to being heavily medicated in order to be able to rest without the discomfort of pain in his body. The holidays normally are a time I would be so excited about but knowing that my dad can't be here to help my son, mom and I celebrate. I just wish that my dad could be here to watch and experience my son's youth and future. I regret not graduating from college before he passed. The only things that bring me peace with my dad's passing is that my family and I took excellent care of my father until his last breathe and that I made sure that my son and I sat next to my dad and thanked him for all that he has done for my son and I. My father protected my son and I from all of life's difficulties by providing us with shelter and financial support whenever it was needed. My dad always thought about the future and for that my son and I live in a townhouse that he purchased years ago because he wanted to make sure that the day he died we would be taken care of. I don't know how to be without my dad because he was always there no matter what. I just wish I could see him again. My nights are the most difficult because that is when reality truely sets in and the pain and emptiness in my heart is a reminder that my dad, my father and my hero is no longer physically visible for me to see. I miss seeing my dad being able to hug him and knowing that he is there for my son and I. My son had a father in his grandpa and now that is gone. Since my dad has passed my perspective on life has changed for the better. I aim to be healthy for as long as possible for my son because he needs me. LIfe is short and I need to be around for my son for as long as possible. Well, I hope that tomorrow is a better day and that at some point I can go to sleep without yearning for my dads presence and crying myself to sleep. I love you dad and I hope that you heard everything I said the night before you passed while I sat at your bedside with Zachary and thanked you for loving us and always giving us security in every way. I love you and miss you and still can't believe you aren't here. I know you are in a better place with Grandma, Uncle Tito and the mom you lost when you were just one year's old. God bless you and you are always in my heart. I love you Dad.

Love Always,

Your "Twin Daughter"
Pamela36 Pamela36
36-40, F
Dec 3, 2012