Day Four

Yesterday was a bad day. I'm so desperately unhappy. I don't understand why She married me after 9 years together if she had a single doubt. And then remained with me for another 10 years of marriage. She should have said something. After giving her so much of my love for so long I don't deserve this. We make mistakes, I understand that, but this seems almost pre-meditatively evil. I can't for a split second think of Her as bad......
After I took Emma to school, I sat in our drive looking at the traffic going past. I started to day dream a bit, and found myself thinking how easy it would be to step out into the road, in front of something. For a second I almost forgot who I was and what I have. Actually I really didn't care. When I snapped out of it I was scared stiff. I've never thought like this before. I came indoors and rang the Samaritans. I talked for about an hour. Don't know if it helps long term, but something in my brain tells me to keep talking, keep talking. I get relief when I talk, and when I'm not talking I get relief from remembering conversations.
Went to Her sister Anne's and had a chat and later did the same with Nadia and Pete (Her sister and brother in law). I love these people and must hold on to that.
Saw a doctor who gave me some sleeping pills. He's also arranging some counselling for me, and given me the number of a bereavement counselling service, as I know my sister's and (very recent) Dad's death isn't exactly helping things.
Daughter Emma has been nursing me through my "flu".
Slept till about 1.30 last night from about 9 o'clock. Then went back to sleep till around 4.30, so the pills work. Wish there was a pill to make things all better again. There is in a way, but only She can write the prescription.
Mistermistake Mistermistake
51-55, M
Dec 5, 2012