Day Five

Better day than yesterday. Not good, but better. Definitely no suicidal thoughts. Oddly resigned to things.
She is going away with daughter Emma for a couple of days. She wanted to tell our eldest son Mitch before she went, but I want them all together. Mitch couldn't keep it to himself anyway.
There are a couple of things I think will happen for me when we sit them down and tell them.
1) it will hit me so hard as a reality check, that I will have to accept beyond doubt I have no chance to mend things with Her, because nobody, particularly her, would be able to face their kids with this and not mean it.
2) I have placed her so high on a pedestal for 20 years, that watching her give this dreadful news to the kids will help to take some of the shine off her, and I may start to see her as a normal human being instead of this goddess that I see in my mind, which somehow, eventually, I need to do to start to get over her and preserve my sanity.
I told her these thoughts I have meaning to make her feel more comfortable, that she'd be doing me a favour if nothing else, but it upset her a lot. She said she'd feel like some kind of freak show for my benefit, which I do not want, so I said I'd wait in another room until I'm needed. Not sure this is the right thing to do tho.
Rang a bereavement councillor today and am waiting for a call back. Saw a couple of mutual friends for another chat. Had my hair cut and bought some new clothes.
Had a chat with brother in law Pete.
I went and visited someone I've known for a while in this town. She is unconnected to my wonderful family of in-laws, so I thought a good person to speak to. She wasn't expecting me, but it was so worth it . A listener, adviser and confidante. I will be meeting her again.
So this is what I'm doing as much as possible......talking and hugging, talking and hugging.
Feel I'm on a tightrope, trying to keep my balance, but I think today I might have glimpsed the other end of it...........it's a long way off!
Mistermistake Mistermistake
51-55, M
Dec 5, 2012