I Named Her Kendra

When I was little I would have this dream where I would tranform into a woman about the age 20, bright blonde hair that went down to my chest, and curled in a little at the ends. She was very bubbly, always smiling and every move she made always had a little dance to it. Here I am, age 27 male, just now remembering about those dreams. And these dreams were almost every night.

I was in high school, when I first started noticing that every time I was in really good mood, the voice inside my would still sound a little like my normal voice, but it was definitety the voice a woman. I think she's always been there. Helping me feel better, letting me see the fun in even the worst situations.

When I was about 22, I started going through really hard times in my life. I just couldn't take in anymore. I needed help, but I couldn't really tell anyone. My family is the kind that thinks medicine can fix anything, and I didn't want that. So I started calling for her. No answer. I justed her to make me feel like all the other times she was around. So I went online pretending to be her. Changing the way I talk, putting hearts behind things. I just wanted to feel that connection with her again. Eventually I could hear her voice whenever I was online.

I don't know what I really want to say. Sometime I wish she could just take over. I'm actually pretty happy with the life I have now, but I just feel like she could have a happier life with the one I have. She can keep the insanity at bay. She's the only thing that keeps me from being a bad person. I don't know what I'd do without her.
Rakoras Rakoras
26-30, M
Mar 24, 2012