Personal Experience With Racism

If you are looking for the story, I removed it. It was gathering too much attention and it started to get petty and personal. The point was missed and now it will never be realized because Internet drama got in the way of my real life experience. How could that be the lesser of attention? I don't know. I thought I explained myself in the story? Why I felt the way I did about racism? It hurt to be misunderstood like that.

I don't care to get into details because when it comes to real life violence from random strangers... I don't need to go into details. It caused me a lot of trauma in real life. I hate that it had to be in the middle of the petty arguing instead of realized. That was my focus. Not to hate even though others have hurt you.

Not to hate even though others have hurt you.

And this coming from someone who was pushed and hurt by fear. I was just trying to see a middle ground. I just trying to say, hey, people need to throw olive branches instead of point fingers and throw blame.

Why do people cause more trouble than present solutions. My story. My pain. Trivialized. Sick. I have my reasons so I'm done.


Tekkamaki Tekkamaki
5 Responses Mar 8, 2009

Thanks Arelya. It's strange to see the internet issue happened over a year ago but I've been able to talk more freely about my experience without fear of judgment. I just haven't been able to do it here on this website. I initially came here because I used to get more support than ignorant comments from insensitive people. But it's not a support group site, it's a social networking one where the members are left on their own to fend for themselves no matter what the staff "says" about what they promise they will do about issues. It's been mentally exhausting to reveal things in stories on this site but there are places to be able to speak more freely without getting ridiculed or berated.<br />
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The good thing is even though it is hard to share, it can be healing in the right place. And that this issue with this insensitive person, he was so insignificant and nothing compared to what I've been through that I had to think for a while about my previous comments and what happened. I actually didn't remember it. And what he said sounds so ridiculous now that I do remember it. I remember the guy was starting some drama with me and he stepped over the line, but looking back his comment was kind of stupid, lol...

i'm sorry you have ptsd as well. i understand what it's like to run from some things that hurt and to want to erase parts of your story. i am right there myself, facing similar pain. so sorry to hear of yours as well. i share this experience, as awful as it is, i do understand what you're going through and the flashbacks can be debilitating. i'm sorry others have not been so understanding, ptsd is a horrible injury to heal from, and it is a mental injury, not a mental illness.

Oh SOUL. I am so sorry you saw it when it went down the way it did. I kept telling myself to get rid of the story before the real point was lost. I just wished I would have done it sooner! The important point above all else was important to me. You and I thought we euthanized the drama but it just kept going on like a bad poltergeist! <br />
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It sucks that people got so personal and out of hand over misunderstandings. I hope we can all learn from this and learn to respect one another.

I'll just keep this on subject because past mistakes are irrelevant. No need to dwell. The point of what I am saying in every part of my life is remembering to love, not to hate. So when I said things in kindness, I meant it. Hate does nasty things to people. I found myself angry and backed away for my own sanity. Anger does little but boil the blood.<br><br />
This is about having ptsd. It's about something real that I can remember and touch and survive. I am not a victim but my past cannot be trivialized. Sometimes the flashbacks get so bad that reality gets skewed and I can't breathe. I can smell it, feel it...the senses become acute in remembering. It's nothing to complain about, it's just some ailment I have. I have things in order to deal with it so I can cope. So I'm good. I'm going to be fine. I've had attacks before so it's nothing to get too freaked out about. It's serious that I take care of it before it gets bad though but don't worry. I've learned to manage it for years now.<br><br />
Priorities. I have a little baby growing inside that I have to take care of because I am pregnant for the second time. I am very emotional and stress is no good for me. Neither is letting myself hurt for too long. I get riled up, the baby feels it. It's best to take care of myself instead of engage in things that do me and the baby no good. It's my priority. I have a life inside of me that depends on me right now.

Yes, I do have to focus on the positive.<br />
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I believe he misunderstood the situation and story. But it was his insensitivity to my own situation that made me very uncomfortable. Whether he meant it or not...I don't know. I can't imagine anyone would mean to make that kind of a mistake but it hurt.<br />
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So it was a bit of self preservation to kill the drama before it really started hurting parts of me that are still healing.