Ptsd, Ocd, Depression, Anxiety, Child Of Etohic Parent, Emotional, Physical, Sexual Abuse, Kidnap, & Torture Survivor,

I had to delete my stories every time I saw their contents I would start reliving them like a movie in my brain.
In my heart I have tried to forgive people, family and go on with my life.
Even at 53 yrs. old I am constantly questioning my own identity and have difficulty setting boundaries between my self and others. I work to the point of exhaustion and collapse. Do not remember what has happened until a few days later. During the exhausted period my reactions are sluggish, speech is slow, am very clumsy, and unbalanced, and am easily upset by anything and everything. Been everywhere from John Hopkins to Univ. of Md medical centers and no one can tell me what is wrong. They thought MS, but all brain scans are negative.
I had a Total Abdominal Hysterectomy due to severe adenomyosis and multiple fibroids, which both ovaries also removed  in 2003 which brought me out of some severe symptoms I was having barely able to walk, garbled speech, breathing problems.
But I do not have near the memory or reaction time required to return to my profession as a practical nurse in neurological rehab.
I stay at home trying to take care of the house and people who live here, my mother, who was grieving the loss of my step dad when she asked us to move in & help pay her house, my 2nd oldest son, diagnosed with a schitzoaffective disorder, my youngest son, 20 this year who is out of school and working full time, but is saving money to be on his own. My daughter, 23 who is on her own, currently expecting any day now, and my oldest is also very successfully on his own in another state and is married with one child.
This should be the happiest time of my life. But I am financially stuck as my husband out of work since Feb 2010 is a mechanic and that industry has been hit hard since the GM bailout. He did not qualify for unemployment so we daily submit tons of applications on the internet. Tomorrow we start looking for something outside his field just to pay the bills...
I hate owing anyone money, it is not my nature to be a debtor. But that is the position I must take. I feel absolutely STUCK.
And again, am exhausted.
My only comfort are my dogs, and our walks, and the dog park.... Just hating the real world. yuck.

lost4ndfound lost4ndfound
51-55
Jul 11, 2010