It Hurts!

Five years ago I met this guy, he was married and I was in a relationship. We got on really well, he made me feel so warm inside whenever he came over to talk to me. He is such a beautiful man. His marriage was over a few years ago and he came around to my house and we chatted for quite some time, but I was still in a relationship that was over but my (now ex) boyfriend wouldn't let me go. (Another story). Just over two years ago my ex decided that it was over between us, but the guy I liked was in another relationship by then.

Early on last year me and this guy started talking more and more and he told me that his relationship was over but he was too scared to leave. I gave him all the support I possibly could and made sure I was always there for a shoulder to lean on when things got really bad.

A couple of months before christmas he told me how he felt about him and I then ended up telling him how much I felt about him. Every morning when I woke up he was my first thought, I waited longingly for a message off him, I stopped doing everything because all I wanted to do was spend all my waking hours with him, he was my last thought before I fell asleep, sometimes I even dreamt about him. I just felt so sick when I hadn't heard from him. Everything else in my life was just becoming a distraction from waiting for him. I knew this was not a good way to live so I tried my best to distract myself, but I just became so depressed in everything I did.

After christmas he'd started stepping things up, he kept asking me to meet him, secretly. I ended up going and to actually hold him in my arms was the nicest feeling I'd felt in such a long time. We talked laying on the bonnet of my car looking at the star filled clear January sky. I was like something out of a movie. I couldn't actually remember ever feeling that happy. I felt quite sick and devastated when he said he had to go. I cried as I watched him drive away, back to his girlfriends.

We carried on talking via text/email all that week, he kept telling me how much he thought of me and how special he thought I was. The was a big evening coming up and I knew he would be there. I'd made so much effort losing weight, making sure I looked the best that I could, for him. He said I should have a glass of wine, but I joked saying I'd fall over, he said no matter what he'd be there to catch me if I fell. We secretly glanced at each other all night, all I wanted to do was touch his hands, make everyone go away so I could hold him again. We could hardly speak, but he ran after me when I was leaving and kissed me in front of everyone on the car park. When I got home he started messaging me to go to his house. I was scared but I stupidly went anyway.

He started running hot and cold with me after that, he wanted me, I go off running to wherever he'd asked me to, then I was his mistake, then he was sorry and he wanted me again. He is constantly telling me that he hates his g/f and really wants to leave but he can't because he has no where to go even though his family have offered him to stay at their houses. He just pushes me away more and more. He says he's trapped by financial obligations and his g/f will make his life hell if he tries to leave.

Over the past week he has been pushing me away more than ever, but if I try to ignore him or respond in a way like I don't care then he just reels me back in. He knows how strongly I feel about him and he is using me. I would do anything for this man and he doesn't care. I just feel sick all day. I can't sleep if he doesn't say 'night night'. I'm hooked, well and truly, but I am slowly trying to convince myself that he's not leaving her!

amigoodenough amigoodenough
36-40, F
5 Responses Mar 8, 2009

I know this feeling all to well!! ditto

I hope one day I can look back and say this =)

I've been in a similar situation and it is painful! I finally had to sever all contact! I had finally had enough and said I'm worth more than this and I got my self respect back and disappeared out of his life!<br />
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HA! The last I heard, he was still with the woman he would never give up for me, and they are not happy! All they do is fight and play stupid games with each other!<br />
<br />
Well, good riddance! She can have him! Haha<br />
Let them be miserable together for all I care! My life is great now with him not in it!<br />
<br />
I didn't lose you, he was never mine to lose! Instead I Gained!! <br />
<br />
I gained my life back!<br />
I gained my self-esteem back!<br />
and most of all........I gained Peace of mind! It feels good to not feel obsessed about him anymore!! :)

You're the second person to say this to me, I think it's excellent advice if it wasn't for me.<br />
I'm so scared of losing him, but he's not really mine to lose.

It sure sounds like this guy is playing games with you. The next time he calls, don't go running! Make him wait awhile. Be a challenge!!<br />
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Just a thought.......WinterMountain