Desperately Need Advice

 
I am so glad I found this site. I am 41 and have been married for 20 years, I have 3 children, and a husband I cannot stand anymore.
There are numerous stories I could share, but I want to get to the point. He is lazy, does not help me AT ALL, with the kids, house, anything and I work full time. He speaks to me and the kids with a sarcastic tone and has never showed me any compassion. Everyday he comes home from work, he goes straight to our bedroom and lies in bed waiting for me to bring him dinner. He then asks for snacks all night and if he yells for me and I don't hear him he gets angry. We only have sex when he wants to and I cant think of the last time we kissed. He treats our oldest daughter like she is not his and does not belong in this family. For instance, we are in the process of finding a new home, I found one and there is a great bedroom for a teenager. It is large and gives her some privacy. He threw a huge fit saying that room should be given to my mother and my youngest to share and he told our daughter that she is the most selfish, disgusting, person he has ever met.
I feel very alone.... I really don't have time for friends as I work full time and did I mention 2 of my kids are 6 year old twins.... I cannot talk to my mother about how i am feeling as she is very judgmental and hard to deal with.
I just need advice. At what point do I leave this bastard? Or do i stay and pretend all is well.

Thank you so much for letting me vent.

amaness007 amaness007
41-45
2 Responses May 15, 2012

Would it help if You went away by Yourself to think about it? Leave the kids with him if You do because it might give him a wake up call if He knows how close he is to loosing You and what life will be like without You waiting on him hand and foot. No wonder You feel resentful, He is treating You like a maid. I do think You need time out to figure out where YOU went and how and why the relationship has turned into what it has. You can probably delve into this more with a relationship councellor. Maybe You both need a vacation without the children to see if You can find what You both seem to have lost at the moment.

Wow. I'm not sure where to begin with this one. But I'm going to start by saying what I normally say when responding to similar issues. Everyone is different, and every relationship is different. Every member of a marriage deserves to feel loved and to love another.<br />
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Marriage is not about partnership - that is one of the biggest pieces of nonsense I have ever heard. Marriage is about winning. What can you get out of it? What can he get out of it? Both spouses deserve to win.<br />
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ba<x>sed on what you are saying, he has lost all touch with reality. He believes you exist to serve him and his needs. I have a suggestion for you to save your marriage, and a suggestion for him to save his marriage.<br />
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If you both work fulltime, then you need to share the household duties with him. He should at least do the heavy lifting and help with parenting. You need to redefine the marriage. He has become a lump in the house. Do not get anything for him. Do not do anything for him unless he is meeting your needs too. It is very generous of you to do what you are already doing. I am shocked that you still have sex with him. Cut that aspect out of your marriage immediately. He doesn't deserve it from you ba<x>sed on your rant.<br />
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He needs to be able to re-evaluate what he wants from the marriage. If he wants a servant, he should consider becoming the man! Yes I said it. Suggest to him that he find another job or two and tell him that you want to stay home and take care of the family and house. My wife recommended that to me and we have never been happier. If he wants to just work while you are a housewife, I don't see a problem with that. It may improve your marriage many times over.<br />
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But he also seems too lazy to do that for you. I work three jobs, at least 10-12 hours per day, six days a week (I used to work a job everyday for years). But that requires you trusting him to take care of things. I don't know if I would trust someone like your husband.<br />
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So...if he wants to work harder inside the house and help out with parenting, let him. If he wants to work harder and make more money outside the home, let him and adjust your life accordingly. Otherwise, I would say enough is enough.<br />
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Am I off here?