How I Destroyed Something Awesome

I have to get this off my chest, and my facebook blog just isn't the venue for such total unabashed honesty.  It all started late summer / early fall when I "met" the most amazing man on the face of the planet.  Met warrants the quotation marks because I had known about him for years, almost from first moving to Calgary, and had had a crush on him from the very beginning - even while in a long term relationship with a someone that wanted to invite said man into the communal bedroom.  I was terrified and ecstatic that after all these years I was finally in the circle, could touch, smell, and taste him.  He was the first man I had ever felt completely safe with - the first not to judge my worth by my endowment, in fact we didn't have sex.  Anytime I found myself in his bed, he just.. held me.  Close.  I was happy for the first time in.. years.  Prior to meeting him, I had become numb, jaded, cold, sex was mechanical and functional without any passion.  Life had lost its luster.  Suddenly people were telling me that I was "glowing", music had meaning again, waking up in the morning wasn't just the first of many ordeals to face in a day. I was happy.

Well then he disappeared a bit, was harder to get ahold of.  after a week we went to a hockey game where the conversation was stilted, he had pulled away when I went to kiss his neck.  Something was wrong but I thought it best to not address it, or didn't pay enough attention to it.  I'm trying not to tell this through a lense that makes either of us entirely guilty nor innocent.  Regardless, it wasn't confronted.  After the game we went bar hopping, again the conversation was .. remote, but after a few beer I ended up in his bed, held close.  Happy.  And that was the last I saw of his intimate side.  That was the last time I saw the mischevious smirk, the predatory look, the smile & spark. 

When confronted on the remoteness in November I got an email back filled with rejection.  I read it as "you're not worth my time", "i'm not interested", "let's just be friends".  I was crushed, angry, suddenly feelings of being used,tricked, taken advantage of welled up and overcame me.  In this time I was also dealing with the death of my grandmother, 8 months of unemployment, the residual effects of being told I had made my little brother gay by family members, another brother with a brain tumour, a move to a smaller less "me" place.  I was out of control, and here was the last scrap of any happiness telling me that I wasn't worth his time.  I'm pretty sure I snapped.

I fought bitterly with him, returned his belongings, cursed his name, asked why why why, I just didn't understand, something didn't make sense in the situation.  Conflicting advice from friends, some of which was inflammatory, some of which was sound, all of which unapplicable - because here's the kicker.  I read the email wrong.

A few days ago I opened up Outlook, and it popped up with his email from November.  It felt like a punch to the gut and a bucket of water to the face as I read what he actually wrote.  He had already answered the Why's, I just .. didn't see them.  It wasn't rejection so much as he required time.  Our relationship was based on holding each other, what he noticed and I hadn't was that we didn't talk to each other.  It wasn't based on sex, but it was still physical.  I read it completely wrong, fought a fight that made no sense at the time and I couldn't figure out why.. so kept fighting to get the answer from him.  I burnt bridges.  

As the smoke floats towards the heavens, and the sparks burn as they land on my skin, I survey the mess I managed to make.  I wonder just how sound my thinking is if I am able to completely 100% misread an email.  I'm embarassed by my actions, I'm angry at myself for not understanding, and I'm heartbroken that I was able to do this to myself.  That said, I guess I can finally accept the situation because I know what happened now.  The why's are gone and I have to live with the answers found.  I miss him terribly, it hurts like hell, but I know why.

The moral to the story I suppose is this:  If you can't make sense of a situation, it's probably because one of your ideas around the situation is flawed.  Take the time confusion gives you not to lash out wildly, but to check your facts.  Then lash out.  Or don't.  I really think the best advice I've gotten through this whole thing is that "a wise man once said nothing".  I wish i'd heeded that, silence might have been easier to overcome than this mountain of debris I have to walk away from now.

dooder85 dooder85
26-30, M
2 Responses Feb 23, 2010

Interesting "SELF-ANALYSIS"....and I "hope" IT HAS 'Helped Your Life.<br />
I'd "simply suggest" that you EDIT 'Your Title; as the brevity of it CAN cause "misconceptions" to PROSPECTIVE Readers. (a suggestion ? How about: I Destroyed A Relationship; for which I am NOW Ashamed. Would "that" be OK With You ??)

Great advice and I can fully understand why you wouldn't post that on Facebook.