Life

I just don't get it. What is the point? I've been working two days this week so far, and every second that I am there I just think "**** it". This is such a load of bullshit. Is this really what life is about? I mean I've been doing the same kind of work for almost 7 years now and I'm not one iota better off than when I started. And by all appearances I will be doing this for the rest of my life. WTF!!! I don't want to...I don't give a ****. I just want it to be over. And no, I am not going to commit suicide, but I just want to go away. Why can't it be "my time"? Isn't life just so pointless? Because in the end, we all die. So what is the point in sticking around for 50 or 60 years to just die? And yes some of you are going to say, "Well you should make a difference in the world." Like what if MLK or Ghandi had died young? Well I bet you that if they had, someone else would have stepped up to the plate and done what they did. And so whatever I may achieve in my life, someone else can do it. I don't want to. I would rather just get out of here, go to heaven, and have ALL questions answered. Because that is my belief; that when you get to heaven, anything that you have EVER wanted to know, you will. And I want to know everything.

And I'm so tired of myself...like I tire myself with my mind. I think and think and think and think and think and think and it gets me nowhere. It just gets me annoyed. And people don't understand me. I'm just seen as being picky and wanting to know too much. And not living in the present. And "why do you want to know that?" Just get over it. Let it go. Stop thinking. But my mind doesn't work like that. It always has questions. It always wants answers. And it's because there has to be more to life...but I don't see it. Do you? What is it? What more can there be? What more is my life supposed to do? All the famous people that have ever existed in the entire existence of this earth is probably .0000000000000000000001%. And not even famous...but people who have made a serious impact on the world (Ghandi or MLK or Mandela). The rest of us just go about our lives and maybe make an impact on a few people here and there, then we die.

And I hate that I have a guilty conscience on top of it all. Because if I hate this life so much, why don't I just up and leave to somewhere else in the world and start anew and do something different? Well because I'd feel bad about leaving my family. But more than that, I'd feel bad about the debts and all I'd leave; my mortgage, my cell phone, my vehicle, my landlord. All these things. You can't just walk away without a word. But why not? What if I died? That'd be just like walking away...but I can't because of my mind. It is holding me captive it feels like. It won't just let me be.

Tomorrow I will wake up, and do the same thing. Go to work, work 10 hours doing the same thing because it is now just a habit, come home and go to sleep. How many of you will actually do something totally different today/tomorrow? Or are you too just going to do the same thing essentially that you did today? When will it end? When will I be able to just rest and not give a damn? That is what I want. I wish I could just not give a damn. But there is always someone to be responsible to. A boss, a friend, a family member, a government...or worst of all, myself/my mind. It sucks. My mind just keeps saying, "Go to work because you have a mortgage to pay and bills to pay and debt to pay and that is where you will earn money to pay off these things." What a waste of life. And once my debt is paid off and I don't have a mortgage anymore, then what? I still need money to live.

And yes, so I could go and volunteer and make a difference in peoples lives. But so what? What does that matter? It doesn't. So what if 4000 people showed up at my funeral. I'm still dead. And everyone else is still here and they go on living, doing everything they would have done anyway. I don't make one iota of difference in this world, on this earth. And if one life on this earth doesn't make a difference, then by some mathematical principle that I don't know the name to, then NO life on this earth makes a difference. Because if we all died right now, we could all just have a party in heaven. And nothing would happen here on earth except the decay of everything we have built.

I just think the whole thing is stupid. Life is stupid and pointless. I don't fear death one bit because I think I'd just be going to somewhere that is a lot more fun than this, and all questions are answered, which is what I really want.
itsallaparadox itsallaparadox
26-30, M
4 Responses Jan 9, 2013

been there and done that. After fifteen or so years in one gig i was right there where your standing. Was not pretty i had two choices one back up my feeling of **** this **** and do something about it or do what i think most people do and that is don't do anything to change it just keep saying they will. funny thing happened about my thoughts of heaven. Instead of thinking that because life on earth was so bad and meaningless that all i had to do was gut it out till i reached the promised land and everything would be good. I took the i don't care about the devil because as long as i didn't purposely hurt,mame or otherwise screw people over it would be cool with everybody. and if i ended up down there due to a clerical error i would tell the devil to get the **** out of my seat

i feel the same way, i hate every day. do not understand why people think it is so great to buy anything, it is all just things and means nothing., life suks work sucks and everything sucks

couldnt agree more! well i say that loosely i agree with your statement on work and life in general its sh** getting up each day to work in a job you hate, to pay for things you dont need or even want..whats the point?...to go round and around in circles ..hell i dont have the answer, im doing the same damn thing and it makes me sick to the stomach to think i work 7 days a week to pay for a house i dont want to support my family to end up some shriveled old hag who hates the world and the life ive led....so what truely is the answer?...a change of scene? a change of career? i dont think death is the answer and i dont think you get the answers at the point of death...once your dead there are no more questions so why would you need answers??...at the end of the day the fact you are at the place of questioning all that is and all that surrounds you means your journey is just starting...im hoping mine is starting to...so lets see where this goes :)

Babe!? What is going on? What happened?? We need to talk......