How Come No One Told Me?

No one told me how hard it was going to be to be married not because of true love, but for the love of a child.  My family says I need to stay with him, my heart belongs (and has for six years) to someone else.  How do I make a marriage work when I value my husband as a friend, not as a love?  How come no one told me?
sdanamarie sdanamarie
22-25, F
6 Responses Jan 26, 2007

I stayed in a marriage for 13 years because of children. When I finally divorced they were so happy! They sensed the animosity even though there was never any arguing or outward hostility. Many marriages these days are "open" - parents have friends and significant others but the core family is preserved. I think being in a marriage that is all encompassing is the preferred way.

i stayed for 10 years. that's all i could do. we are both much happier now as are my boys. they see me w/ my new hubby and know that i love him & he loves me. there was no love in the house before and it's made a major change in the way the boys act. much much better change i think

Your family are telling you how to live your life. Its time to tell them to BACK OFF! ...You will need some counselling to get out of this situation.

I come from two broken homes. My mother and father divorced when I was 3mo since then my mother has been married and divorce 6 times and my father 4 times. I am 22 now and as a person that has come from this situation 10 fold I consider my self experience. I agree with both opinions above to a certain degree. You child will most definately pick up on the unhappiness. I was 7 years old the first time I remember feeling my mother's pain of being in a "safe" but unhappy marriage. Those types of marriages let you think of your spouse as "friend" material so you have intimate feelings toward other people therfore increasing your chance or his chance of cheating which is harmful to a child. However, I do think it is wise to work on "stable" marriages. You must try to work on A marriage. It may not be this particular marriage that you need to work on but you do need to work on one. If your heart has been with one man for 6 years then you may need to explore that option but you need to make sure that is not just something you are attracted because it is different from what you have now. If you do decided that a divorce is the best for you, you must make your self a promise to take your time to find the right one for you and your child. Don't ever introduce the child to boy friends unless it is just in a friendly manner (ie. public places) don't ever bring the boyfriend home the child will pick up on the intimacy and it will be offended and "regress" at first until it is comfortable and then if the realtionship doesn't work out the child will be hurt and will see your hurt. The worst thing for a child is to feel that its "gaurdian" is hurt and there is nothing it can do to controll the situation. (this will harbor "controll" issues in your child later).<br />
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I say take your time because one reason many people are repeat offenders with divorces (my parents included) is because they don't want to do anything ALONE... meaning they are insecure. If this is your case you must give yourself time to grow more confident as a mother and as you.<br />
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I hope this helps.

The other comment is not correct on staying married for the kids. It is one of the reasons I am still married. I have done a lot of research on this and as long as the relationship is not volatile, violent or abusive it really is better to stay married for the kids. <br />
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It doesn't keep me from wishing I wasn't...

Staying in an un-happy marriage 'for love of the child' is BS in my opinion sweetheart. Do you really think it's going to be healthy for your child to see that mom and dad don't truly love each other? Kids are so darn smart, they catch up on bad vibes between you and your husband when you think they aren't paying attention. Your child is going to know full well that you two or at the very least you, are not happy and definitely not in love. How do you think that's going to affect your child? He or she will grow up thinking that being in a miserable relationship is 'normal' and will continue the cycle. I think it's a whole lot healthier for the love of your child, to get a divorce and lead lives with partners who you are truly in love with, instead of playing house together for the sake of the kid. At least if you're divorced you can share custody and get along like the friends that you really are instead of playing pretend in front of your child and teaching him or her that it's okay to live a lie and be un-happy. Your family can say what they want, but they all have their own lives to live. You don't tell them how to lead their lives, don't let them tell you how to lead yours. Follow your heart, it's a better example to your child when you're true to yourself than letting him or her see you allowing other people to control your life for you down a path of misery.