I Don't BelongI often have this thing where I don't feel like I belong in life as I know it on earth. Sure, I might seem human and even look human, but I'm really some weird sort of subspecies. In a world where people show up to work on time, go to college and get degrees, pay their bills on time, hold down jobs, and have long term relationships, I'm one of the losers who struggles with the basics. I'm a profoundly low functioning adult who's also extremely intelligent and talented. But I struggle to fit into life.
I've tried college, three times. Out of those three attempts I've only completed one class (in which I got an A). I dropped out of all the rest.
My longest term of employment was two years and three months. I was fired from the job for a mistake I made in the code. Granted, it was a bullshit excuse (they were looking for excuses to fire people, to put off laying off people as long as possible--which occurred two months later anyway), but nevertheless... It wasn't a big loss anyway; well, the paycheck was, but I was miserable there anyway. My job had gone from being all about being innovative, to being all about cookie-cutting. They didn't need my analytical skills, and out-of-the-box thinking capacity.
Since then I've worked a variety of jobs that largely bore me out of my mind. With the exception of the job I had managing a theater (which was fun), most of the jobs I held before the programming job (and since the programming job) have been routine-oriented type jobs. Like now, I work at an airport, as a lineguy: which means that I refuel jets (private and commercial). It's labor, basically.
Today my supervisor (a really nice guy) took me aside and talked to me. He told me that he really likes me and wants me to be happy there, and successful, but he has some concerns. His (and my co-workers) concerns were about my tardiness, my apparent laziness and lack of enthusiasm (probably one and the same: I seem lazy because I'm bored and unenthused), and my smoking. The thing is, I've always found it extremely challenging--if not impossible--to force myself to be enthused about something I'm bored with. When I become familiar with the routines and processes of most labor jobs I get rapidly bored, disinterested, etc. Soon I start making mistakes, and it's all downhill from there.
I know that the only (theoretically, anyway) road to a better life is college. But I have very little patience with the college b.s. Or, rather, I think I'd do fine if I could just go to college full-time. In the past it's been the other pressures in my life that derailed my college attempts. I'm kind of a one-track mind kinda guy...in that I like to do one thing at a time (work or school). I'm also pretty skeptical that a college degree would just make my life instantly better. Would it fix the fact that I'm almost habitually late? or that I don't pay my bills on time and have horrible credit? or get bored with most jobs quickly? I'm highly neurotic when I'm at my most successful.
At that programming job I was (apparently) recognized as the most brilliant, fastest coder in my department. Yet, my neurosis made me hard to have around. I resisted the typical workday, resisted fitting into the corporate molds they tried forcing on me...I couldn't seem to understand how to be a responsible, mature, accountable employee--at least in whatever sense they envisioned one as. I remember, even still, them telling me to establish a consistent schedule and stay in better contact with my project managers, and blah blah blah. Grrrr. I tried, I really did. But I just never seemed to meet their expectations, or make my behavior acceptable. I'd always get the tasks done I was given, and quickly. My code was also very clean, and very efficient; but in the end it was corporate stuff that got me.
I still don't know how to be normal. I know what normal looks like, but I don't know how those people got to be normal, and how I could become normal myself.
What room is there in the world for non-normal people? people who didn't get the memo; people who feel like everyone else was given the Instruction Book to Life and we missed out.
I've had so many jobs by this point in my life that I'm exhausted. I think I've had somewhere around 50 unique jobs. FIFTY! That averages out to 4 a year since I started working at the age of sixteen.
I'm spacey, easily bored, brilliant, analytical, talented, creative, sensitive, tardy, willful, funny, and I love people. What job(s) would be good for me?
I love writing, movies (and making movies), computers (programming, etc.), etc.
I need to understand how I can fit into life and do reasonably well even with all the challenges of my quirkiness.
liferiot 26-30, M 26 Responses 17 Sep 20, 2006