a Wildflower Among Jasmine...

Over my last few trips to City Y (my hometown) I've been feeling like something's off. That strange feeling that of being a wildflower in a garden of jasmine kept cropping up...until I finally put my finger on why.

A couple of days back my mom mentioned to me on the phone that a cousin of mine is now engaged, which means that I am now the only girl left who is not committed in any way, unless you count my 2-year-old niece who is just learning to talk. Ah well. The strange feeling that was at the back of my heart suddenly found words. The feeling that I was the "odd one out" was now explicit. And once it was explicit, I actually felt relieved. Heck, at least I knew what was bugging me.

I've been brought up in what might be termed a traditional background. That is to say, certain things are assumed by default. A girl is expected to live at home, she is expected to accept certain things by default, when she crosses a certain age, it is time to get married and so on. Needless to say, I am one of those girls who wouldn't accept things just the way they are.

A few months back I was faced with a difficult choice. Yes, in the end I had support from my entire family in my decision. But before I chose what I did, I saw and heard a lot of things. "People will be like that, we women have to accept that that's how life is." and "You mustn't get angry for these things" were just some of the things I heard. I saw shock in people's eyes, that I could choose something completely unheard till then. I saw disbelief, that I, the girl who was previously known for being quiet and discreet, could be as firm and outspoken as I was. I saw sympathy and pity, and frankly, pity was the last thing I wanted. And yet, at the end of it all, I saw support, and maybe, from some people, a grudging respect that I'd yet again done something that to them was totally unprecedented. Perhaps that triggered off a change which had been bubbling under the surface for months now.

I've always made it a point to keep in touch with both family and friends. I call, e-mail, visit, ping and when I don't do any of the above, there's usually a good reason. Sometimes, these points of contacts just drive home how different I've become. We smile, chitchat (smalltalk, really), laugh and part ways soon. There are people who were once my closest friends, and in my heart, still are - but I don't understand anything about their world, and they don't understand anything about mine. I can't put my finger on where we drifted so much, but such is life.

It's not that I'm feeling bad or anything. I've accepted it, and would rather be me as I am than do something I don't believe in just to fit in.

However, I must mention the person in my family (apart from mom and dad, obviously) who has been more than just supportive, he has been whole-heartedly empathetic in all my decisions - my grandfather. At 84 years, he has been more understanding than what one would normally expect from people of the same generation. You rock, Grandpa!

It's been well over two years since I moved to City X. As long as I was a hostellite, I never really thought of City X as home. But whether I like it or not, that's what it is. So this weekend I shall visit City Y and then come back... home.

Disclaimer: No, this is not intended to be a rant or a complaint session. Just a bunch of thoughts floating in my head, which I've finally been able to put into words. :)
thephoenixreturns thephoenixreturns
22-25, F
1 Response Oct 5, 2006

Well girlfriend, you have loads of bravado to stick to your guns as you have. And, it's very cool that you have a grandfather like that!