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Heartbroken

My husband of 9 years came to me a few months ago and told me he loved me but was no longer in love with me. We have a three year old daughter who is absolutely the sunshine in my life. My husband did not want to go through counseling, did not want to work on the marriage, did not want a separation. He wanted a divorce. He told me that he did not cheat and would never do that. Our waiting period for divorce is over this friday. I am completely heartbroken.

My husband and I dated right out of high school and dated for 8 years before getting married. We were each others best friend. We worked well together, we communicated well, our love life was great.

After I had my daughter I did go through the typical blues of being a new mother. Struggling with weight, hormones, just being a new mother. My husband was extremely helpful and attentive to me and our child. He always put us first.

The last few months before my husband came to me to tell me he no longer wanted to be married I had noticed some changes. He had just taken a new job with his company and was very stressed with the new details and just trying to catch on quickly. So he became very snappy and short at home. Towards me and our daughter. We started arguing about trivial things. He started listening to new music. He started hanging out with younger co-workers and drinking very frequently and staying out really late. He stopped wanting to hang out with me and our daughter and would stay out with his friends.

I came to him on several occasions because I felt this distance that was growing between us. I asked him if I had done something to upset him, or to make him mad and he always said no. He stopped having lunch with me during the week because he was so busy with work.

So the past few months have been extremely difficult. I have lost my husband and my very best friend in the world almost instantaneously a few months ago. We have had some good conversations and some not so good conversations, but never once has he said he has made a mistake in wanting a divorce. He actually said that very recently to me. He said that this is a time for "us" to figure out who were are as individuals. I know who I am, but apparently he doesn't know who he is.

But he doesn't think he is going though a mid life crisis...

I am at a complete loss and know that I just have to move on and be a great influence for my daughter that I have most of the time. But it still isn't easy...

lovelost12 lovelost12 31-35, F 4 Responses Jan 22, 2013

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Yes..I agree with moo....he has someone he has fallen in love but haven't cheated...at least he is honorable in this aspect. Just tell him.. his daughter needs him...and you too...can he reconsider? If he still insists there is nothing much you can do...except to minimize the pain by sharing and working and taking care of the girl....Pray yours will work out!!!!

Just read your story and I can feel your pain it is harder for the partner thats left behind as we are still in love with the one who wants out, their reasons for leaving do not make sense to us as we are prepared to work on getting the marriage back on track. In my case we had a conversation two weeks ago and I asked if he wanted to work things out and he said no and I realised then he just does not love me anymore and thats what I am now trying to come to terms with, its like a death and I am grieving for my lost love. All I can say to you now is keep doing what your doing take comfort and joy from your little girl and take each day as it comes. Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers as one day we will wake up and feel happiness, hope and joy. We will be free from all this negativity all this sadness and we will be stronger.

Well it is what it is..I find in life that we have to stop focussing on what is gone and focus on what is left..The old saying is true ."Theres no good in crying over spilled milk"..That lttle girl needs you more now than ever,.And HE does not know anything about the law of KARMA,,Only a fool will throw his/her blessings away..But that is not your problem...So take care of yourself and that little blessing..And always remember..Nobody and i mean NOBODY can make you happy....You make yourself happy..This guy dosent know what he has got ..Thats is HIS problem ..NOT YOURS..and it is HIS KARMA...

Thanks Gusie,
That's true, it is what it is. Our daughter is what really keeps me going. She is my sunshine. I have a close friend who said that he will one day realize what he lost and he will be alone and you (me) will be happy and have a great life. This much I know is true. Just working through the dust storm to get there :-)

<p>My ex-wife of almost 31 years said the same thing to me, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." Of course, she said this after I caught her with the other guy. But I feel your pain. Although he told you that he wouldn't cheat, I get this deep down feeling that he wants to, if he hasn't already. It's hard to trust a person when he or she rips your heart out. I used to think my ex-wife could do no wrong. Now I can't believe anything she tells me, because she's lied too many times for me to believe that she'll follow through on anything she says.</p><p>I know how you feel in being at a complete loss. It's hard to wrap yourself around the reality of what is happening to you. People tell me that it will get better. Well, I'm still waiting for that to happen, and today marks seven months since my divorce was finalized. What makes it tough for me is that she still lives in the same house as me, but I can't kick her out because the court allowed her to stay here for up to a year. So I still have five months to deal with her insensitive antics. But when the 22nd of June gets here, I expect her to hit the road, never to come back. But as for you, I wish nothing but the best going forward. :)</p>

Thank you so much for the good wishes. I extend those good wishes to you as well.
You are right it is really hard to trust a person when they put you though so much much pain. We have a daughter to raise, so that has made it much more complicated in moving forward. I see my husband weekly and sometimes it's good visits and sometimes not so much. I am distancing myself emotionally (somehow) from him. He doesn't understand why I get upset, why I want so badly to try and work on our marriage. I look around at the married people around us, and we did not have it bad at all. I do have a nagging feeling that someone is/was in the picture. I found a letter from a female co-worker of his in his wallet. The letter was not inappropriate in any way, but she was very complimentary of him and him being such a wonderful person and having a huge heart. I called him out on it and he says it simply was words of encouragement that he has held on to during this difficult time. There are just some things I will never know, I will never have all the answers, and unfortunately my trust in him will never be the same. He doesn't understand why I still love him and gosh, with the pain I am going through, I often wonder why I do...

Kudos to you... that must be extremely difficult for you with your ex-wife still in the same home. I have no experience or advice to give unfortunately, but what has gotten me this far in this storm has been my family and friends support, my daughter, and knowing and believing in that I do deserve better and that it is out there. It's easy to say that right now, but kind of difficult to grasp when you can't predict the future :-) So, I just keep telling myself those things.

Best wishes to you.

I AGREE with all you have said, even though he says there is no one else he may want out to explore what he feels he is missing. And even though he doesn't think it is a mid life crisis , it is! I read your story above, I am SO sorry!! My marriage of 23 years is ending. It is painful BUT i am out of the home in an apt. I cannot even imagine what you are going through! God Bless You! June 22nd, Party at your place right?? :)

I agree with what you are saying sweenessnc1. I do feel like he is wanting a life of no responsibilities. To live like a 20 something year old free-spirit. Rather than a 35 year old family man...I am so sorry to hear of your 23 year marriage ending. I can only guess the pain is similar to mine. I too moved out to an apartment with my daughter. We have had great bonding time and lots of dress up and makeup parties :-) I thank GOD for my daughter. She really keeps me going. I wish you strength and best wishes on a new chapter in your life.

June 22nd party? Hey, that sounds like a great idea. It'll be my one year anniversary. I hope I'll feel happy about it when it gets here, but more importantly that'll she be moved out so that I can move on. Currently I'm in limbo, or somewhere close to that.

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