Ashamed. But Carrying On.

I did something I regret. It sounds like I am making a press release or police statement. But I'm not. I'm just telling someone, anyone in fact, what I did that I regret so badly. Because it helps the guilt I feel at not telling my parents.

I don't pretend to be innocent or 'vanilla', because at heart I always have been. It's one thing to joke about things with your friends, and another thing to do the stuff you joke about. Up until a few weeks ago I was still off the radar at school. Happily living and working without anyone paying me much attention. That is how me and my freinds prefer it actually. The limelight only brings trouble.

But I messed up. I went to a party. Lost my mates in the crowd. Got far too drunk. And I came on to a guy. When I'm sober and flirting it's usually painfully obvious. So there was no way I was subtle given how drunk I was. I wanted to push the boundries a bit. Live like someone else. So I went off with this guy. And I wasn't innocent with him. It didn't get beyond his needs, because I stopped him when he suggested more, and he didn't make me do anything.

But the shame of it. A random guy I never speak to. In some bushes in the garden. I didn't wake up feeling happy at all. I felt so..not me. Facing my parents every day has been bad enough. I have this great open and honest relationship with my mum. But I know I can't tell her this. She would be ashamed of me. Or think that he took advantage and get upset. I couldn't do it.

And then there is school and the rumours and comments. I've come round to the funny side now I suppose. You have to laugh. Though it really didn't help that he told everyone I had sex with him. Turns out he wasn't the nicest guy. But I can cope with all the stuff at school. I'm honest enough for people to realise he is messing them around. I'm attempting to put it behind me, and learning from the experience.

I realise this has dragged on and was not remotely entertaining. But I had to be honest. I can bare my soul to strangers far more easily than those close to me, when it comes to things like this. If you have made it this far then thank you for persevering. I appreciate it.
An Ep User An EP User
Jan 17, 2013