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Online And Long Distance Relationship

I don't believe in online relationships. I don't think they are real. Its so easy to get caught up in one. A year ago I read this wonderful poem. I wrote the author telling him that his poem moved me. We started to chat. I had my guard down as I didnt think this guy was a threat. A friendship began and before you know it I was being sent all these beautiful poems that he wrote about me and some about us. Thinking all that was going on was too good to be true, I drove in my car to meet him in person. I figured that we would meet and have a great time and then everything would bowl over. Well the joke was on me. As soon as he touched my hand to help me out of my car, he felt like home. Being with him felt so natural and effortless. I left feeling more madly in love. Even the onslaught of panic attacks I endured over discovering that I had it bad for this guy couldn't snap me out of it. So the next month I travel to see him again. Made it even worse as every time I see those pools of green of his I get weak in the knees. He has a way of making my head spin with the things he says to me. He's the first man who has truly loves me unconditionally and hasn't looked at my shortcomings as weaknesses. He had accepted them and helps me work through it. I knew the reality of this relationship from the beginning. He can't move and neither can I. Life and finances get in the way so we can't visit each other often. His kids want to see their Dad sharing his life with someone who can be there for him. So they don't approve of our situation. He's torn to the point that he cant seem to make plans to see me. Without a doubt he says he loves me and wants to work things out. For me I'm done. I waNt to live in real life not make believe. I have cried a river over this as I truly love this man. It all boils down to this. If he really wants to be with me, he would help me move heaven and earth to try to steal as much time we can together in reality and not over the phone. We both deserve better. He has become one of my best friends so I am trying my damnest to keep our friendship in tact. To be perfectly honest, I want to scream and shake him!!
Mahal1023 Mahal1023 46-50, F 12 Responses Jun 29, 2011

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My dearest Andrew Penny:

My true real friends do not hold anything back and are never scared to say what they have to say about anything to me. Its during these times that remind me just how precious they are to me that they are always looking out for what's in my best interest even if the truth hurts. Generally I would have never entertained the idea of even getting involved with him because of the distance and the fact that my life was pretty complicated on its own when we met. But he's unlike any man I have ever met and was someone that I couldn't just dismiss. He saw things in me that I didn't see. I was still dealing with my divorce and all the difficulties my daughter has had and he didn't run away. He never saw me as someone who was broken. He is a good man. AP, you are pretty close with your observations but there are other factors which I'm not at liberty to share to protect his privacy. I'm going to say this. I'm very blessed to have met him. Right now I have heaviness in my heart when it comes to him. I have said that I write for myself. Sometimes I need to write out my angst so that I have to face them and acknowledge it. I don't want anyone to feel sympathy towards me or feel anger towards him. This is something that happened between the two of us and should stay that way.

You know what, Im going to blame MT for this!!!! LOL!!!! HE was the one that said I need to write a story for this experience and this is what I came up with!!!!!



Oh and AP.... I will always listen but I reserve the right to still be hard headed at times and not follow my friend's advice. Just a little disclaimer. :) But that's what makes my friendships great. We all stick together regardless. (((((( BIG HUGS TO YOU)))))



Monkey......thanks for stopping by!

P/s: Mahal, I think you know that your gut/ your instincts are right. I hope you know that I am actually agreeing with -- well, trying to validate -- all the insights and all the feelings you expressed in your story. I admire you for being strong and wise... and for being you.



*hugs*



AP

Dearest Mahal,



I hope I don't lose your friendship over what I am about to say... just here on EP alone, these words have cost me many very precious and treasured friendships. Sometimes, instantly...



*deep breath*



Your friends love you but they are not giving you good advice. This man is not available. He is not. And yes, he did let you down. No fault of yours (or even his, maybe); these things happen. I don't get the sense that he let you down intentionally. More like he lacked a few insights concerning what the relationship was about, and what he wanted from it. That's human, that's okay. He DID love you, that seems clear enough.



He was not available. And I don't get the sense that he truly wanted you to be available (even though you were) in the sense that his children intended, no matter what his heart may have been telling him.



Whatever made you feel that you needed to (or could, somehow) "work harder" -- or "put more into the relationship" -- in order to make him available was a lie. Probably a white lie, probably a lie shared by both of you, an innocent lie, but it was simply not the truth.



If a man wants to be available, he will be available for you no matter how great the distances. How many times did he travel to you? I don't know his financial/ social position, and that is none of my business, but what matter to ME is the fact that you did in fact find the means and the time to travel to him.



In an Asian context -- or rather, a Singaporean context --, the views of the children are pretty much irrelevant unless of course the kids are hostile. A man's children may love their father very much and want him to invest the rest of his life in somebody who is "available", but surely what really counts is: What HE wants. It could be that where the two of you were concerned, the relationship with you was just not enough for him.



If I really wanted to be available for somebody I would be focussed desperately on that, rather than being content with, "My kids feel that I should be with somebody who is closer at hand, more available, and maybe they are right..."



I really, really wish I could give you a hug. Nobody did anything wrong. Certainly YOU did not. I know you do not bear him any anger, and that you never will; that is one thing about you which makes you such a treasured and *respected* friend (where I am concerned). Relationships are hard to figure out when you are still in them.



There is nothing to regret, although I know that you are missing him and will continue to miss him (well, I know that I would...). You have every right to focus on everything good and positive and wonderful about that man and your relationship with him.



You will be okay. A bit of distance now might be good for both of you -- sort of like a chance for both parties to develop some insights about what happened, and feel "safe" and "secure" again -- but only until you feel truly safe and secure again. Until your feelings are sorted out, please do not feel any pressure to be *nice* by being a good and loyal friend to him right away. Both of you have to figure out the possibilities and the *limits* of any eventual return to a true and durable friendship between you; that friendship will not be, and can never be, a simple return to "business as usual" because your hearts touched each other in that way.



Much love,



Andrew

Lias, right now it's difficult. It's hard to separate what I feel in my heart and not be able to act on it. I feel like he really let me down. I don't want to lose the friendship. I guess you can say that it's on hold right now. But I'm sure he knows that if and when he ever needs me, I will never turn my back on him.

Find a way to be happy as friends either way. I am friends with two girls in far away countries. Both are long term friendship. Acually much more than friends. They are like past girlfriends you never fell out of love with. Now I am married and I still from time to time talk to them. Relationships go through phases, great friendships last forever.

I want to point out that he and I are in good terms. Trying to rebuild the friendship. I'm talked out and know that I was willing to do what was needed. As much as I hate to say it, I'm done. He's a great guy.

It's a common story - one that the children usually block because 'they are there.' But You Have the Right of It...Say, "Mountain - Be Moved" ~ Then, Both Believing The Mointain Will Move - It Will: ~ All The Hidden Forces WithIn 'The Mountain' Will Assemble & Act In Unison To Precipitate Your One-Will. It Does, However, Take Two Believing As One. Tell Him...Then...Believe...And ~ Love With Power.

I would venture to say that my children would trump an online relationship. Now if you lived near him, that may be a different story.

I think when you get to the point where you're scared to take action in case you break something, that's probably when you SHOULD take action. There's been plenty of times where I've debated what the worst potential outcome of a situation is, decided I could live with it if it came to that, then taken action that could have that very result. If my action goes wrong, then I've already come to terms with that possibility - and it's definitely better than living in limbo.



So... is shaking him worth the risk?

ouch! this breaks my heart! long distance is such a problem! Sorry! ((hugs))

You know my thoughts on this subject, so I won't go into them here, except to say that I echo mtvlm's sentiments - something needs to happen.



Whatever you decide, you have my support.

Wow....



As one of your oldest friends on EP here I can understand, maybe more than most. The point that I am not understanding as you have expressed as well that if his kids want to see him with someone that can make him happy and if he says that to you, then why not make the time?



You both deserve the best in your lives and if it is to be together then something needs to happen.



(((HUGS)))