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I Did Something I Said I Would Never Do

Be Like Him

By: OdiumIncantatum
Written on July 23rd, 2011
During my childhood and teen years I swore I would never be anything like my dad. He was always angry (still has his moments), an alcoholic, non-supportive, cruel, overbearing, extensively critical... All the things I said I would never be. But over time I've noticed I share some of his not so wonderful traits, and it bothers me. Very much so. I find myself ranting at times about things that really don't matter (something he has always excelled at), spewing hateful words toward others, criticizing those I love and care about, being mean for no reason... And it seems the harder I try NOT to be just like him, the more I notice that I AM. I never wanted to be this way, in any way similar to him. I've always wanted to be like my mom - understanding, supportive of everyone, loving, never put others down.... a wonderful person. I have tried so hard to be everything my dad isn't... I do find solace in the fact that I am a much better parent than him, but the other aspects still bother me. And the older I get, the more I see him in myself.

And I hate it.
By: OdiumIncantatum
Age: 31-35 , Female
198 people have read this story

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4 responses
  • GalileosFinger
    GalileosFinger

    I swore I would never be like my mother. I couldn't stand her. She made my life a miserable living hell. I promised myself I would be nothing like her. bwahaha! Now I am constantly fighting it. I look in the mirror and think " what the hell happened to me"? I think I am starting to find healing in my relationship with her because I can feel more compassion toward her because of my own faults. But damn it sucks.

    Oct 21, 2012
    1 like
  • MichaelDuMaine
    MichaelDuMaine

    I agree with suucakes. I also find myself doing this - but I usually catch myself in the middle and apologize to everyone for my actions. I feel weird, and uncomfortable doing this, but everyone understands when I explain that this is a bad habit I am trying to get rid of, and most of my friends are very supportive. They actually interrupt me at times and just say "Michael, stop and take a breath for a minute..." It really helps.

    Jul 23, 2011
    2 likes
  • suucakes
    suucakes

    I understand the feeling. My dad is very similar to that-- very negative, very overbearing and critical, and can't even ease up on loved ones. I hate to admit that I have called him a tyrant when complaining to certain people. And yet, sometimes I find myself acting like him (my brother and sister find it hilarious, but I don't).



    I am struggling with the same thing, especially since I've identified his attitude in the house to be the cause of a lot of my anxiety. Catching yourself in the act, I feel, is important. When you get angry, stop yourself, cool down, and imagine your dad. Remember that that is NOT what you want to be. You don't have to be him. You're better than that.



    Because if you're catching yourself doing this now, and it upsets you, it shows that there is a part of you that disagrees with how you're acting, and I have faith that if you really feel it's wrong, you will be able to power through it. Now I also understand that parents have to be strict sometimes,and as I'm not a parent, I can't give great advice on that. But stopping and evaluating your own anger is a great way to start.



    I wish you all the luck in the world.

    Jul 23, 2011
    3 likes
    • OdiumIncantatum
      OdiumIncantatum

      Thank you for your kind words. I do catch myself at times, but most of the time I don't realise it until after the moment has passed. It's hard... Thank you again for your comment.

      Jul 23, 2011
      1 like