I Should Just Stay The F*** Away From Everybody

Kay so it started ordinary enough as a day running through the daily routine I live in a small town around 10000 people I go to private school which ends at 12 30 pm every day I dont have many friends I usaully just wonder. So i was walking to the city mall one of the quickest routes to it is the train tracks so i walked down them and came across a opening for cars to go by usually I wait till all the cars have passed or the car stopped and signalled me to cross i saw a red car going at a so so speed and decided i could run quickly across before it passed and i cut it a bit close and the passenger rolled down theyre window and called me a ******* retard that was my first mishap now that whole car thing was stuck in my head i was replaying it over in my mind while walking stuck in my thoughts and i here a train horn getting louder and louder i dont know why i didint move sooner i just didint connect  that i was walking on a pair of ******* train tracks so it got louder and louder and soon it had no pause at all my thoughts where "dam that ******* train whistles so ******* loud we get it" thats when i looked behind me to see where the train was. It was about 15 to 10 meters away I quickly got out of the way while the two conducters raised theyre middle fingers calling me a ******* retard and to stay off the tracks and i just had to sit there watching as the rest of the train passed then i noticed a man and woman standing by there car they had just watch everything that had happened and all i could do is sit there like a stone replaying how i couldive just died if i didint look back how i couldint even notice a train coming from directly behind me how the the train operaters have to watch a kid get his body mangled and curshed under the train i just ****** up really ******* bad i dont ever want to show my face in public again the ******* retard who runs into traffic and trains even though im usaully carefull about that kind of stuff i still ****** up