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I Miss You.

I love my mom so much. She is forever in my heart and always on my mind. There isn't a day that passes where I don't think about her: her laugh, her smile, her voice, her hugs, her silly faces, her hilarious jokes, her eyes, her kisses, and her love. She was unlike anyone in the world. Knowing she is in heaven and at peace now brings me so much comfort. I am confident she is, and always will be, looking down on me, and all of our family, smiling. It is this fact that keeps me strong every day.

It was July 28, 2010, and I was out like every other summer night. I spend most of my time with my grandmother. She took most of the parental responsibility because my mother and father struggled with addiction. When I was younger, the problem was illegal, hard drugs. However, after being clean for many years, they both turned to prescription pain killers. I always knew it was a problem, but felt that there was not much I could do. For a while, I thought my best bet was to cut off communication, but never actually did it.

But this summer night was like most. I went out with some friends and drank a little bit. I went back to my friend's house around 4 am and stayed awake until the early morning hours. Thats when I got a phone call from my Grandmother. I quickly ignored it thinking she somehow found out that I was up to no good. She called again. I started to get nervous. It was 6 am, why would she be calling. I then received a text message. "Call home emergency." Thats when panic set in. The first thing that popped into my head was something happened to my grandfather. That's when my brother called. I answered and he told me. "Michelle, mom passed away last night. You need to come home." I didn't understand. My throat felt huge, and I couldn't see. That's when I threw up. I asked my friend for a ride home, and explained to him what happened.
It did not make sense. My mom was 45 years old and actually very healthy. I called my brother back and asked how it happened. He informed me that she had an accidental overdose on her pain killers.

That night, she fought with my dad that night for him to pick up the prescription of Xanax from the pharmacy. He gave in and picked it up. My dad, who, i might add, is VERY large took two and went to bed around 12 am. My mom stayed in the kitchen. Around 12:30, he went back to the kitchen to get her. She was sitting in the chair obviously feeling the full dosage of the meds. He woke her to consciousness and they went to bed. When my dad woke up in the morning (around 6am) he noticed that the blankets were not on her. My mom was VERY sensitive to cold ( like me) and my dad being a pretty big guy keeps the air conditioning on practically 0. It was pretty weird that she didn't have any blankets on her. My dad started to panic. This was the not the first time my mom overdosed. Once, he found her on the kitchen floor with foam coming from her mouth...and that was just two months prior. My dad gave her CPR and called 911 crying, "Please Janice, Please, what do i tell your children? Please dont." The paramedics arrived and informed my dad that she had been gone for nearly 6 hours. Xanax is a depressant medication. It slows everything from breathing to brain function. But the dangerous part is that it slows the heart and blood flow as well. They found 6 Xanax in her system.
My mom died in her sleep and painless. She was living with a lot of mental pain which , in turn, gave her physical pain. She needed to escape it, and she has. She is not in pain any more.
Her time was cut too short. There are too many things I wish she could have seen: My high school and college graduation, my wedding, my children, and my life. I am her baby, the youngest of 7 beautiful children and 17 years old. I wish she were here today, because I know I would make her proud and "bring her joy!" I love you mom. Rest in Peace.
mrosenberg1 mrosenberg1 18-21, F Jan 17, 2011

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