But It's Why I Ended Up Married.

When I was young its almost comical how much I was in a hurry to grow up, leave home and start my own life.  
My childhood had really good parts but also some pretty tough parts as well.  
I was insecure and really naive when it came to my own self worth.  
When I met my x, I was 19........my sister was in a committed relationship with his cousin.
We met when I helped my sister move into her first apartment with my x's cousin. 
My sister kept inviting me out with her and he was always there as well. 
I resisted the obvious set up for awhile and kept telling her no.  
I was in college at the time and he was busy partying it up all the time.
And he was a real *** when he was drunk.  
But tragedy hit my x's family.  I felt sorry for the family and wanted to help and to be a support for my sister.
So over a year later I was spending more time with this family and one thing lead to another.  
He was only my second boyfriend and hindsight tells me that I was so insecure that I didn't really believe anyone could love me and since he said he did he was the best option.  Although I was taking birth control I became pregnant.  And being the person I was I took responsibility for my actions and did what I thought was right at the time.......I married him.  I was three months pregnant.  Short engagement, fast marriage. 

I was twenty....married...all grown up.......was I ever kidding myself.  
I learned real fast just how much I didn't know and how naive I truly was.
But I lived with it, tried to make it work, and created a life for myself.  
I had my daughters by the time I was 23. 

For most of my marriage, I was a stay at home Mom, living in the country and he was away from home for 15 hours a day. 
There were definitely issues within the marriage from day one but his working away from home for so long made it possible for the marriage to last as long as it did.  I am pretty sure if he was home more often my marriage would have fallen apart much sooner. I was with him for 13 years.
The last five years was when things starting really getting rough and changing.  He basically had a break down and was unable to keep the job that had him working away from home for 15 hours a day.  Therefore his tantrums, outbursts, mood swings were much more visible for the kids, closer together in time frame, so instead of once every three months, it was once a month and the last few weeks before I left.....everyday. Needless to say it took a toll on the family.

One thing I can say and will stand strongly by is that I didn't jump ship as soon as things got tough....I exhausted all avenues of help, support or ways of fixing the marriage before I left.  Counselling, medical treatment for his breakdown, etc.  I truly gave my marriage my all.  But in the end I realized that if I stayed I would have been sacrificing myself and my girls.....and that was a cost I was not willing to pay. 

So its been two and half years since I left that marriage.  It hasn't been easy starting over, being on my own for the first time in my life, raising two girls with no support.  The emotional turmoil was pretty rough at first but we got through it.   And I have learned so much from it all.  

Do I regret it?  How can I really?  To say that would mean no daughters........and they are my everything, my motivation, my reason for waking up everyday and fighting the good fight, my heart, my soul......so no regrets.......just some very tough life lessons learned and its made me who I am today and I am pretty proud of that person.  Life's not perfect, I still have things to settle, to work on.....divorce, financial stability etc. But in the end its worth it and the way I look at it is that it can only get better from here on out.  

So as I tell my girls all the time, learn from my mistakes....don't be in such a rush to grow up and find yourself at 36yrs old learning for the first time how to believe in yourself and live on your own.  Its much easier to do with no kids, marriage or responsibilities.   That way if later down the road, you lose a spouse, or find yourself alone, it won't be the first time and you will be much more prepared for it.  

And noooooo birth control is not a sure fire way of preventing pregnancy because I was on it when I became pregnant both times. LOL 
I am pretty sure I would have ended having more children had my pregnancies been normal and the doctor didn't advice me to get my tubes tied to prevent another high risk pregnancy that would surely cause me to lose the child or die myself. 

The way I have begun to look at it is that my time as a full time parent is rather short these days.....four more years and both my girls will graduate highschool.   Not too bad really I will only be 40......young enough to really enjoy the empty nest. :)  
snowberry75 snowberry75
36-40, F
4 Responses Feb 3, 2012

Did you take your birth control on time every day, plus or minus 2 hours? Without missing any pill?

i really love your honesty and openness about your experiences. I wish you happiness in life =)

A beautiful heart you have. You're only 36 -- many people don't even have children or find their loves before that age. You have your entire life ahead for happiness! Xoxo

It might be a pretty common tale but the courage, initiative and just pure "heart" you put into it makes it a, "stand out" as the life of a woman learning to be strong, capable and independent. I TOTALLY admire you for all you've endured and survived and still kept 2 ROCKING daughters right beside you and always a priority! This story says sooo much about who you are and what you stand for as a person......Anyone reading has to be left with total admiration.... ♥

((hugs)) You have rendered me speechless and caused my eyes to well up. So very sweet of you to say my friend, you have touched my heart. Thanks hun :)

Awww hugs and hugs....♥