Cool, Detached, Sadistic... Not Caring Never Felt This Good!

I love arguments, fights, screaming matches where emotions run rampant. Just when everything seems like it's too much to bear, too overwhelming, something snaps. Cool, smooth, logical detachment rushes over me like a drug. I realize I have no emotional investment in anything, the person who I'm so adamantly arguing with means nothing to me. Everything makes sense.

This realization gives me power, just like their emotions make them weak. I can do anything, say anything, and it wont matter. The only drive I feel is a desire to amuse myself, to watch them squirm on the hook of their own heart. And so I taunt them, bend their words. When they say black, I make it sound like they're trying to say white. When they make sense, I tell them they're crazy. When they scream, I smile and laugh. It doesn't matter, it's just a little pleasure, and it's irresistable.

Phage Phage
26-30, F
22 Responses Feb 24, 2009

Has anybody responded to you in the same way? and what do you do?
The ppl you fight with, they never figure it out?

they never go like wanting to beat the crap out of you? coz thats what I used to go like when I was disagreeing with someone. I mean, either scare the living crap out of them, or leave. mostly leave coz I don't want to get into fights any more. But when I was getting into fights I would feel like I wanted to stop them and subdue them and make them surrender and I was very detached from the situation, just concentrating on the combat strategy itself. I was never any of these retards going around and doing violence to others coz they are losers... it was only in the case of defending myself.

Pav

I don't see you as sociopath, you are very analytical, and you use the method of countering on your so called victims, for your dark side, that you seem to have.... im thinking somewhere along the way something horrific happened to you...... that pushed you to walk on the dark side..... and you got stuck there.....

Is how you are now something you grew up around or do you feel this is something that was created by your own choices? I ask since I tend to feel alot of how we are is ba<x>sed on interpretation of childhood events. But I am noooooo therapist by any means.<br />
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I personally only argue with people that I care about or I dont waste my time... so do you argue with everyone or are there just a chosen few?<br />
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Thanks!

Oh...yes, I agree, you are correct, she who is never left, as it were. Right...DD

This behavior scares me. Nothing against you, or it. Just stating. I'm one of those emotional people. Sometimes I wish I could detach, but quickly change my mind. It just scares me.

Yes, you did say that, and then went on to say that karma is about past lives in a definitive sort of way, which is silly because karma, like any other word, can have multiple definitions all of which are valid even if they don't necessarily describe real things. And really, you have no room to critisize me for not making sense given the way your posts usually read.<br />
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As far as energy never being destroyed, that's true, but it's also bullshit. Because people aren't energy, or matter, or ectoplasm, or anything of that nature. We're patterns. Complex, self-perpetuating, ever-changing bio-electric patterns, and patterns most certainly can be destroyed.

Phage, are you ill or something? Note I said that “…if "karma", as most people seem to think it is…” I am aware how most people “think”…my point is that if “karma” was as people think I am way overdue for a **** storm…what is your point? <br />
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About past lives, note that energy is never destroyed only changed. That makes me think that past lives could be possible. <br />
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Please think before you respond. Your commit was wrong. Makes me think some thing has happen to you that has you off your game. What?...DD

The original meaning of karma is about past lives, sure, but to most people in America karma refers to things happening in this life because of things you did in this life. Besides, I don't believe in past lives, nor any other form of life after death. Unless ghosts count, and I don't think they do.

Dearest "Force of Nature/Goddess/*****-She who does not fit into a box...what was my point...what?<br />
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Whatever... if "karma", as most people seem to think it is, was in any way true… then I would be on CNN news every few weeks. Ha ! “Old Man is hit by Train and 16 wheeled truck and then the ambulance is knocked over by a herd of stamping by Elephants! <br />
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I have been a “bad” sociopath who likes knives way too much. Only, not really “bad” as I…(1.) have the blessings of my Dark Mother Goddess to go after men who abuse women and (2.) “karma” is actually about past lives. <br />
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Phage, you just don’t fit into any box that I, in my 66 years, have ever heard of. I like the way you play with me. I would miss you very much if anything ever happen to slow you down…except for brakes, you sometimes want brakes to slow you down. Just ask some of these Toyota owners. Ha, again! <br />
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Stir up some sh*t young one!...DD

I'd fogotten this little exchange. You are without doubt a very interesting if disturbing creature. I pity those who get close to you as they will be broken on the rack of your emotional void. My weakness in the past was to be atracted to people like you who presented a challenge because you are so detached. Finally i got over the need to be with the uber cool and now have someone who provides the hunamity that my quest for success eradicated in me years ago.

You're welcome

The best sort of compliment!

You are mean, twisted and sick , I like that.

You are so warped i find myself strangely fascinated. But i know the first weapon of the sociopath is charm. No doubt you are also hot with sexual proclivities that attract weak men like myself. A coupel of hours into it an di would be lookin gat a branding iron being applied to my testicles, all in the name of decrying your boredom. ahh true love indeed

That sounds almost as fun as my dream where I was dismembering angels and demons who, instead of dying, were permanently ripped to bits and sent off to a meat processing plant to be turned into food and eaten... all while still alive.

Yes go. I would say sweet dreasm but i knoiw you'r prefer the thought of Blacksheep 5 being roasted in mint sauce until he proclaims the one true Phage.

Haha, you're probably right about my not having borderline. Or not. I'm not sure.<br />
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Trust me, though, I'd trade freedom of ex<x>pression for being rich any day. Or not, who knows. I'm decidedly non-definitive tonight. It's possible that's a sign I should go to sleep.

Only caught up with your stories now having seen someof your comments turn up on the stories that I normally comment on. that came as a surprise to see you consorting with the straights. I like your thought processes, too rational methinks to be suffering from dissociative sysndromes. Definatley, elements of scoiopathy and you don't have a bordeline personality disorder you are way over the ******* border. Still way to go I like the freedom of your ex<x>pression having abandoned all that many years ago to become rich.

Hijacking this thread is a lot like electrocuting a dead person.<br />
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Your analogy of sociopathy to color-blindness is interesting, since it's one of my favorites. Only it's emotions, not morality, which I don't see. I used to spend hours drilling my best friend about right and wrong, and morality, and conscience, trying to figure out what I was missing. These days, not so much.<br />
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The shoplifting thing (I really doubt it was full-blown kleptomania) was definitely compulsive. If I missed an opportunity to steal something, I felt ****** about it, like I'd failed myself. It was acutely uncomfortable, to say the least. Besides, dissociating from feelings of culpability are hardly necessary, being as I don't feel guilt to begin with. Or, I'll qualify that, I can feel the "I failed myself" sort of guilt, but that's different.<br />
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When I dissociate, it's different. And it comes in a number of different forms. Sometimes I just feel extra-numb. Normally I'm not big on complex emotions (no trouble with the simple ones, like pleasure, anger, anxiety, et cetera), but sometimes, usually after some highly emotional event in my life, I feel totally numb and empty.<br />
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The kind of scenario I was describing in this story is similar, but different. Normally I'll happily be a ***** if I want, but since I usually like to keep friends and relationships, and not cause too many extra problems in my life, I often reign myself in. At times, though, usually when I'm stressed out, I snap and any of the nicer impulses I might have just vanish, and only the mean and cruel are left. I used to have a lot of trouble with my ex, because we'd fight, I'd detach, and then all I wanted to do was yank her chain and make the fight worse because it was so much fun. I had to remind myself that I loved her, even though I didn't feel it. I felt nothing (aside from the pleasure of playing cat and mouse with her), no desire to protect her, no feeling that she was mine, I couldn't care less if our relationship crashed and burned. I remembered that I used to feel these things, but they were just gone.<br />
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With her, my memories were usually enough to convince me I should leave for a little while until I get back to normal. It never worked that way with anyone else.<br />
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As for not shoplifting or committing "sadistic acts of violence" because it would get boring, that's so not the case. Well, I don't know about the sadistic acts of violence, that's not my thing. But for other petty cruelties, and shoplifting, they're addicting. They never get boring because there's always something bigger or better or more dangerous. There's always a new challenge around the corner. I'm sure you can see how this can't possibly lead anywhere good. Plus, when you get away with it, it feels good. I've never gotten bored of feeling good.

I don't need to change a universal law, karma is self-imposed. The universe does respond to what we think, and if I was to feel bad about what I did then it's possible that the universe would interpret those feelings into instructions to mess things up in my life. Certainly if I believed in karma, if I thought bad things would happen to me, they ultimately would.<br />
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But I look at the world through a different lens. Anything I do is right, or at least okay, and so karma has no effect on me. It's not a universal law at all, just another form of social control.<br />
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That aside, when I'm in that sort of headspace the ultimate results of my actions don't matter. I'm detached from concerns of that nature. It seems like a form of disassociation to me, though perhaps I'm wrong.

What makes you so powerful that you can change a universal law? Sounds like karma has already started. Besides, what your descibing as disassociating, is mearly a cruel joke. Being cruel as you are, is only a personality disorder. Try having real abusive trauma and then talk about true issues.

Oh, I do have a personality disorder or two, and I'm definitely crazy, but I don't need help in the way you think. What goes around only comes around if you expect it to, and I expect quite the opposite.