Envy

Isn't it called the green-eyed monster?  I know Scarlett O'Hara said she wanted everyone to be pea-green with envy but I think she was talking about her material riches as opposed to a relationship.  I was very jealous in my first serious relationship and was miserable.  I was less jealous in my second relationship and less miserable.  Both men gave me reason to be suspicious which made me feel insecure.  I've come to believe that insecurity is the key to jealousy, at least for me.  I know now, because of my earlier experiences, that insecurity and jealousy only brings me misery. Not that I don't have insecurities, because I certainly do, but I am able to control my emotional response by limiting my exposure to situations and people that cause me to feel insecure.  The older I get, the sillier some of my insecurities become but I'm sure some of them will never go away.  My goal is to accept these things that I cannot change, such as my inability to tan.  I cannot tan.  Never could.  I'm pale.  I burn in the sun.  I have always been jealous of the beautiful tan bodies I see at the beach and have always wished I could be one of them.  But, I have very little melanin (? I think that's what its called) and I simply cannot tan.  Luckily, tanning has been "shunned" lately due to skin cancers but it still doesn't keep people from baking to a dark golden bronze... at least now I know it isn't going to work for me regardless of how much time and energy I spend on it.  I've accepted this.  But I still envy those who tan easily and probably always will.  But at least I'm not obsessed with or by the thought of it as I once was.  That green-eyed monster is thankfully gone - all I have now is the occasional green-eyed lizard who doesn't like to be seen and scurries away as quickly and quietly as she arrived.