I Dislike Myself In Every Way

I called it quits today. When I met her, about half a year ago, in retrospect, I was already depressed. I knew that I was, but i wouldn't admit it yet. And I was on a holiday, so that might've played into it. Anyway, we kept in touch. There was one slight problem: she lives on the other end of the world. So she, quite rational and logical, said that she didn't saw a future and wanted to be friends. Well, I didn't, because I see being in love and friendship as two completely different things.

I've been depressed for more than a year now. I didn't realize that until very recently. A few months ago, I went to see a therapist for the first time. And it was there that i came to a shocking and sad realization.

I've never liked myself. As a child, i was bullied at school for four years, and all the way through high school I was basically singled out. I've had some friends there, a few, but never in my class. Because I was always scared and awkward, there. I look back upon those times with very mixed feelings.

When I started university, things got better. I got friends, got a girlfriend and was, to my own surprise, quite talented at what I did. But still, I didn't like myself. Basically, I disliked everything about me.

I have quite a lot of friends. I've had four relationships. I'm reasonably talented, and people apparently like to be around me. I get invited for all sorts of stuff. My relationships all failed. My first girlfriend I was so scared to lose that she slipped through my fingers. The second one was more a friend than a lover. The third cheated on me and the last one turned out to be working as an escort-girl. Something I can NOT recommend.

When i'm at work I feel scared all the time. Scared that i might fail. Scared of, well, what? I don't really know. I do know i do not enjoy work, even though i'm apparently good at it and respected by my colleagues.

I've never thought I was good enough, in every way imaginable. Personal, professional, sexual, you name it. I still think about myself and I see nothing worth loving.

I can't help but think everything is my fault. That girl from the first sentence? My fault. Every other thing i've written? In my head it's all my fault. I just wish i was someone else.

I don't know what i'm trying here, but i had to get this of my chest.

Thanks for sticking with me 'till here.
Winterswind Winterswind
22-25, M
Sep 24, 2012