I Dissociate
there are two incidents that i can clearly recall.
the first i was about 12 or 13 years old @ the time.
&& my mother was beating me with this wooden stick.
what i remember the most is the pain. at the time, i thought that my arm was broken ... the pain felt unbearable.
the beating lasted quite a while as my mother wanted me to cry ... but i had been conditioned not to cry ... so i wasn't able to.
the longer it took for me to display tears ... the longer she beat me.
i remember thinking ... "she's going to kill me."
&& then i didn't feel anything anymore.
i felt like i was floating above && i was watching myself cowering in the corner while she was beating me with the wooden stick.
i remember thinking ... "this is cool. i can't feel a thing."
the next thing that i remember is that i was in my bedroom && the beating was over ... i never did shed a tear.
the second time happened recently.
i was in the cafeteria talking to a classmate && then i wasn't.
i remember feeling disoriented ... like, what just happened?? how much time has passed?? did anyone notice what just happened??
i felt embarrassed && ashamed.
trauma is a ****** up thing ... && it has lasting effects.
the first i was about 12 or 13 years old @ the time.
&& my mother was beating me with this wooden stick.
what i remember the most is the pain. at the time, i thought that my arm was broken ... the pain felt unbearable.
the beating lasted quite a while as my mother wanted me to cry ... but i had been conditioned not to cry ... so i wasn't able to.
the longer it took for me to display tears ... the longer she beat me.
i remember thinking ... "she's going to kill me."
&& then i didn't feel anything anymore.
i felt like i was floating above && i was watching myself cowering in the corner while she was beating me with the wooden stick.
i remember thinking ... "this is cool. i can't feel a thing."
the next thing that i remember is that i was in my bedroom && the beating was over ... i never did shed a tear.
the second time happened recently.
i was in the cafeteria talking to a classmate && then i wasn't.
i remember feeling disoriented ... like, what just happened?? how much time has passed?? did anyone notice what just happened??
i felt embarrassed && ashamed.
trauma is a ****** up thing ... && it has lasting effects.