On Dissociating ...

there are two incidents that i can clearly recall.

the first i was about 12 or 13 years old @ the time.

&& my mother was beating me with this wooden stick.

what i remember the most is the pain.  at the time, i thought that my arm was broken ... the pain felt unbearable.

the beating lasted quite a while as my mother wanted me to cry ... but i had been conditioned not to cry ... so i wasn't able to.

the longer it took for me to display tears ... the longer she beat me.

i remember thinking ... "she's going to kill me."

&& then i didn't feel anything anymore.

i felt like i was floating above && i was watching myself cowering in the corner while she was beating me with the wooden stick.

i remember thinking ... "this is cool. i can't feel a thing."

the next thing that i remember is that i was in my bedroom && the beating was over ... i never did shed a tear.

the second time happened recently.

i was in the cafeteria talking to a classmate && then i wasn't.

i remember feeling disoriented ... like, what just happened??  how much time has passed?? did anyone notice what just happened??

i felt embarrassed && ashamed.

trauma is a ****** up thing ... && it has lasting effects.