I Do Not Believe In God.....sorry If This Offends People Who Do...no Harm Meant

 I once upon a time beieved in God, but now I do not. I grew up Catholic, went through Catholic school for many years, I was abused by the religion, "Religious Abuse" my therapist called it.

:/ To back up a bit.....when we were young, youn kids...my parents, friends and neighbors had a group going where we lived...it was a Satananic group....they abused us kids with that, did all sorts of strange crap to us.....then my mother got out of it...got all freaked out and worried that we were touched by the devil him self too much and tried to "save us" kids, a few of us anyways (there was 10 of us) so she threw me and my sister in a Catholic school...the crap they did to us there, trying to make us "holy" again and wash away the darkness of Satan.....it was terrible!! not a nice religion Catholic is, they are pretty brutal in their "cleansing" The Priest had told me once I was the child of the devil because our parents gave us to the devil, and that every child born to us would be marked....yeah okay!!

:( I used to have so many night mares of Satan, the devil, what ever choice of name one wants to call him. My sister and I have had the same night mare for many years, it has slowed down a little, we do not get them as often now, but once and a while...sounds screwed up yes!

 My sister and I got away from the family, and on our own, still haunted on what was done with us...but we mangaged to build a life, and all that stuff. I  was young, pregnant with my first child....got into a fight with my ex-husband, he was a drunk and abusive, he beat me when I was pregnant, then left me...shortly after I was bleeding and getting pain in my tummy, (I was almost 8 months pregnant) so I called my GF...she rushed me to the hospital, I knew there was something wrong, a woman knows when there is something wrong with her baby, and I knew it, the pain was telling me..........

;( I was rushed into emergancy...so many doctors around me, nurses, it was a mad house, I was bleeding out hard....they took me into surgery, and I began to go into labour....now as this was happening I was crying out ot God him self to save my child...that I would do anything in the world for him...just save my child, let her live, did not cared if I did or not...just let her live, I got a cold chill all over me after I said that......and a few minutes my first born was a baby girl.....I heard her cry and though oh thank you......then she stopped, everything went quiet for a minute, and there not a sound from my baby girl...she had died.....due to complications of the beating they said...I freaked out of course.........

 I got angry......I was very angry and full of rage (will not say what I did to ex-husband!!) I had begged and pleaded and he did not listen....he took my child...so ever since that day, I vowed I would never bend another knee or bow my head to God again...I asked one thing of him, and placed my whole self to him in that moment....said I would do anything for him...and he ignored me.....and let her pass.....

 shortly after I lost my first born..the night mares came back about the satanic abuse that was done to me....I was seriously messed up....my family tried to bring Priests and religious counsellors in to talk to me,(they are serious, hard core Catholics) but I told them to get away from me....that I would not talk to God him self again ever (it has been 21 years now) and have not since the death of my first born.....it haunted me to hear those words the Catholic Priest told me when I was in Catholic school (as I have mentioned above) "your child will be marked" so I was in a loss....and again severly messed up.....a lot of serious therapy I went through here over the years to over come this fear and pain in me.......

 I now have two beautiful daughters...they are healthy and beautiful. My youngest how ever told me in the last wheile she has had night mares....it scared the hell out of me because it was the same kind of night mares that my sister and I have had over the years, I never said anything ot er nor my sister about our same night mares...she has not had them for a while...I know this sounds strange....and so out there, I do not understand it either, nor my sister, none of us do and have ever have, but we just let it go and call it a fluke.........

 I hope this does not offend the ones who love God...I deeply appologize if it does....I mean no offence what so ever..I do NOT look down on others what so ever that have love for god...so do not think I am a person who dislikes ones who do love God...I do not believe in him, I know he exsists, but do not have faith in him....lost it long ago..and again if this offends anyone...my deepest appolgies.....I am faithless....when it comes to him. I do not want people ripping at me for this...I do not want to see pissed off and mean comments about this...appreciate all the comments, but no meaness about it...I have been hurt and scared by God...so many times I cried and begged for help....especially when my parents were doing Satanic abuse on us...cried and cried for his help...and nothing....did not feel his pressence what so ever......so I appologize...I have no faith in God any more....my back is turned on him, as he did to me....I am one of the many forgotten ones in his eyes.

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11 Responses Mar 12, 2010

i suggest reading some osho. i think you might like it.

I do not take offense at anything you say..far from it. It's my opinion that you spend much time considering these things....and that's all anyone can ask. If you continue to think and consider, who knows what the outcome will be?? You are truly searching for answers. God does not ask for more than that. Love to you, sweety and a successful search!!!!

Faith, by definition, is belief without concrete proof. I don't for one second judge you for feeling the way you do. Consider this....have you not got beautiful children for whom you are grateful ,now?? Can you look around both the world and the universe, see all the ways things fit together in complete synchronicity and believe it's all by accident?? I , for one, cannot. I share your belief about the Catholic church...not the believers of the faith, but the institution itself. A lot of people would, and have, said that I have a very unconventional way of being a Christian...I have even been accused of being an atheist (not a slam to atheists, just not who I am). I , like you, do not attend church. I find them full of hypocrites and judgmental people who are really more concerned with how things look to their fellow parishioners and priests (preachers, leaders...whatever the title for the denomination), than what God would have them do. Man takes God's law and distorts it...uses it to his advantage, makes it so that you barely recognize it. <br />
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I would never try to tell you that you are wrong. I haven't had your experiences , and could never hope to understand what that would do to a person, but I do know that Church and God, are NOT the same thing. Bad things happen to good people because of free will. Yes, Satan (or whatever name you choose) does run rampant on the earth, and , I believe, is an insidious part of many denominations....one who's influence the people who believe don't even see....that's why God admonishes us that "if it were possible even the very elect would be deceived. Satan wields his power not as an evil looking demon, but as a seeming "angel of light"....masquerading behind "religion". My beliefs, I know, are uncommon and engender much scrutiny...I have been asked to defend them many times.....I'm sorry if this comes off sounding preachy...I never intended it to...I only wanted to give you something to consider. If you'd like, please PM me , if you'd like to talk. If you feel the need to totally dismiss what I've said, I will not take offense. Love and Peace to you , sweethear!!!<br />
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Sincerely,<br />

I am so sorry for your loss, for the loss of your baby and the loss of your faith. No one can blame you for your anger. Relgion is very dangerous. It can save you or destroy you. Your mother turned to the church hoping to be saved, but nearly destroyed her children in the process. I know what its like to have nightmares about the devil. My mother is very religious, and my family attended several different churches when I was growing up. I don't count anything that happened to us as abusive, but I do think a few of those churches did way too much to instill fear of the devil in us. My mom, as worrisome as she is, only encouraged that fear. I genuinely thought I was evil when I was little because I disobeyed my parents so often, breaking one of the ten commandments. I had lots of nightmares as a child and developed a case of OCD. I was afraid if I didn't recite a certain prayer over and over the devil would come for me. I said it every minute I was awake. I'd cry myself to sleep because I was so afraid of not saying the prayer in my head. <br />
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I no longer go to church, but I still have faith. It wasn't God that made me so afraid, it was my mother and people from the different churches we went too. People make religion dangerous, not God. What those Catholics said to you about being marked and how your children would be marked was horrible and wrong. Instead of saving you they destroyed your faith. For that I am so sorry. I wish someone could have been there that knew better. I hope someday you find faith again. Maybe not faith in God, but faith in something. No matter what religion is right, there IS some higher power watching out for you. It may not have saved your baby, but it shared your pain. It cried when you cried. I apologize if it sounds like I'm trying to convert you, I'm not. I respect other people's beliefs, and don't like imposing my religious views on others because I know how it feels, but I just keep wondering what your beliefs would be if your mother and the catholic church she turned too hadn't treated you so horribly. I'm sorry they ruined God for you.

SassyBabe, i both feel for you, and understand what you feel regarding God. I was there once...and i doubted God and his wisdom, help, and even existence. <br />
You are right in being confused and turned off by what your parents and the Catholic folks did to you...i fear that they have done more harm than good, despite their motives. <br />
Each of us as, a person, needs have a personal relationship with God...I call him Father often, qas that is how i see him. You, as a parent...have you ever said "no" to your children when they were asking for something that you knew was not appropriate or could do them more harm than good? Sure you have! Did they understand your reasons for the negative reply? Probably not, especially if it was some thing beyond their comprehension due to their age. <br />
Now, imagine a loving Father who looks out for you, cares for you, and is willing to give an answer to ever question or request you make. That is how my heavenly Father is to me and with me. It took me a long time to be able to hear him when he spoke to me, because i was expecting a booming voice or some other overt sign...I finally learned , that as God created the universe, and that he could create nothing contrary to his nature, that God respects the laws of nature and cannot, because it is his nature that He created, violate the laws he established. Therefore, God doesn't speak in a loud booming voice from the heavens; he speaks to us in natural means, through our conscience, through our own thoughts, and through others whom he prompts to say the things we need to hear. He answers ever prayer and request, though he does not give us every single thing we ask for, because we often ask for things he knows are not good for us. <br />
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I'm telling you these things so you can use your own intellect, which seems to be very high, by the way, to reason with yourself as to your relationship with God. You say you've turned your back on him because he didn't obey your "command" to give your child more life than either of you could have handled. You do not know what life would have been for either of you if that request had been granted...but look at where you are now. I give you my solemn word that God has not turned his back on you, and has continued to bless you and your girls from that day forward He is waiting for you, with open arms, and his blessings on you and your family will only increase if you will soften your heart a bit and try to understand that what happened was somehow for the best, and that God did answer your prayer, just as you give your girls answers when they ask you things. Is your answer always what they wanted/expected? No. And neither was God's answer to you. <br />
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I hope this gives you a chance to see things from a different perspective...i do nor expect you to immediately fall to your knees; but perhaps some of what i have said will resonate with you and you will look further into it.<br />
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I am the fiance to tgrsldy, who commented earlier. My ear is always available to listen, and my shoulders are broad and strong. I would be very glad to become your friend and talk with you aqny time you feel the need. I hope you take my lengthy response as one friend encouraging another, for that is how i have intended it. <br />
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Thanks you for this opportunity to speak not only to you, but to the others in the EP community. May you and your family continue to prosper.

I'm sorry for your loss.. I truly am.. But I want to comment on this<br />
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God I was taught that if you turn to him in time of need he is to answer some how, some way, and he did not, when I was crying out to him to save my child, [this is your statement]<br />
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GOD did answer you, just not in the way you expected HIM to, which is the problem with people who don't know how to understand HIM. YOU asked GOD to let your child live,. Your child could have been born sill born, but she wasn't' you heard you baby cry. <br />
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You have no idea how that child was going to be, and it was her decision in spirit to not live here in the earth with you and your husband as parents. She had changed her mind. <br />
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I know you wont' understand that, but I too had a child also that changed his mind and didn't live. So I know these things. <br />
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Take Care

I see this problem on an occasional basis. People blame God for the actions of man.<br />
Whether u believe in God or not- is ur right. Is it offensive - no.<br />
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I have told others (clients) that God does not distort the image of man, it is man who distorts the image of God -often to fit or strengthen a cause.<br />
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God does not promise a perfect life on earth. That's the reason bad things happen to good people.<br />
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God promises a perfect life after death. SO no matter what happends on earth, if u believe in God's laws- u go to heaven and b with Him (or Her)<br />
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Be well.<br />
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LIve well.

please do not take this as an offensive, i understand how you feel, life can be cruel, people even crueler...yet...ponder this...you are strong, maybe thats what he gave you...strength to overcome..... and im so so sorry about your little one, no words to comfort for all you have been thru from childhood to adulthood. i love children, its heart wrenching to hear of one so little passing on..yet she did live...ever so breifly....again i do not mean to harm, disrespect, or offend you in anyway. my heart goes out to you.

I am so sorry for your loss. However sometimes things that don't seem fair to us right now happen for a reason. Sometime down the road in your life you may find the reason why this happened. Quite possibly sometime in the next 5 or 10 years you may be thanking God. I know it is very hard to understand right now and I can understand the bitterness, But give God a chance, he may know something that no body else does right now.

I completely understand where you are coming from-that is hard. But did you ever think that maybe God brought your baby to heaven to be with him because she maybe would have suffered more if she had stayed on earth-what if your husband beating you had hurt the baby permanently-You should feel blessed that you daughter is in a better place than this ****** *** world. I know you may be thinking 'who doed this kid think she is-she's 20 and has no life experience' but my childhood wasnt a happy hollywood lie either. I was abused by my alcoholic father and drug attict mother. But God saw me suffering and took me out of that situation-to a family that loved me. That didnt mean my suffering ended. I still had to see those people that had hurt me. Like you don't mean to offend those of us of the faith (I also dont believe in religion) I am not writing this to offend you-just to give you another angle. I don't believe that the bad things that happened to you were God's fault. Satan is God's enemy and he will do ANYTHING to turn people from God-so he hurts people and then puts blaming thoughts into peoples minds. So I truly believe that God is not the bad guy-he is just not as pushy as the devil is-he wants US to come to HIM, and not just when we want something, he wants to celebrate with us aswell, he wants to be there all the time-but you have to let him in....I'm not saying it's easy-its HARD very hard, It's like any relationship-you have to work to make it happen. I hope that this maybe opens your mind a little bit, If not, I hope things are at least better than they were. God Bless

My dear girl...I hardly know what to write, but feel compelled to offer you my sympathy on the loss of your daughter.....having lost my daughter to a full term stillbirth, I have some understanding of your pain. Although I am a Christian, though not a part of any organized religion, I would never rail at you for your beliefs...you have the right to your feeling and beliefs. I'm so very sorry for the abuse you endured as a child..those things can haunt you for life, and color everything else (as if I had to tell you that). Please know, there is at least one Christian here who does not and will not judge you....please feel free to PM me anytime, if you need to talk..