I Do Not Believe In Love.

I Do Not Believe In Love. It is so strange, yet, so accurate. Love does not exist, it is merely a fantasy that we, as human beings seek out. Perhaps I should tell you a bit of my story to help you comprehend how i have gotten to discover this rotten epiphany. I was born 18 years ago to, what must have been, a loving couple in California. My father was constantly away on "Navy Business" and my mother worked long hours at her fathers restraunt to pay the bills. Already burdened with a six year old with a different father i still don't know if i was planned or accidental. nonetheless, I was born and began to live my life.
I remember that from an early age i was a rather lonesome child, even when, 16 months later my little sister was born. I often sought comfort from the numerous cats and dogs we had over the years as well as some spirits which i believed haunted my hallway outside my bedroom door. School began, yet i was still alone. My mother followed me there as a "Yard Duty" so i never could quite escape her. My mother has always been rather paranoid, only letting me play with the children she deemed as "good kids" who always seemed to be spoiled little brats who liked barbies and jump rope.
I usually just sat by myself making jewelry out of flowers i picked from the soccer field. And on rainy days I loved standing under the roof drains that had broken and collecting worms off the playground asphalt before they got stepped on. And so my elementary school years went on. I never have really loved anyone, but I have never hated them either. I just never really cared. My parents would get into yelling matches, but all married couples do. Actually, the scariest thing is when the arguing stops.
Very recently I have noticed that my family is falling apart. My older half sister has moved out (Thank goodness because she is batshit insane). My mother lives in a delusional mine shaft, one minute the carts are working fine and the next shes collapsing in on herself. My father has completely given up, resigned to a life of trying to please someone who just cant get enough. and my little sister is too stupid to see what goes on past her next text message.
Then there's me. Trying to escape it all while simultaneously finishing off high school and getting a career started all at the same time. This is why love doesn't exist. and neither does God, equality, or Santa Clause. I sit and watch the world go by and I wish that I could think like the rest of the hordes and delude myself into thinking there is more to life than this. but there isn't. We are born, we breed, and we die. Our descendants are the only legacy we will leave behind.
Individuality doesn't matter. I know because i tried it. I tried to be different but i just got ground down. Now I dress like everybody else, I talk like everybody else, I like what they like, I eat what they eat, I learn what they tell me is important. Because everybody is trying to be different it makes us all the same.

Well, that's some of my story. I just needed someone to know. Even if this in anonymous. I'm probably crazy and I'm sure someone out there will feel the need to tell me so but, I just don't understand how people love. maybe that's why i don't think it exists. I have never loved anyone, nobody has ever loved me and, for the first time in my life, I'm terrified of how alone i am.
NatalieNight NatalieNight
18-21, F
3 Responses May 20, 2012

like i said, I don't know you, but message me tomorrow? I'll try to get on. I hope we can be friends. (:

I tried individuality, I did it by not trying. It worked pretty well. Chat with me sometime, I'm sure we could have many very interesting conversations. Mainly though, It's because I'd like to be friends with you. (:

You're Absolutely Right. We're born, We Live, We'll all Die and eventually, we will Fade into Nothingness. Even if we immortalized ourselves in the hopes, dreams, wishes and stories of the future, they too will eventually pass into legend, myth and will one day be forgotten and lost forever. The thing is you see, While you're right about how pointless life is and how love is an illusion, The Illusion is sometimes enough to get by on. Why try when there's nothing to live for? I don't know about you, but dying is all well and good, but it's a long way away, I'm already here, why go anywhere else? why try?. Love may not exist, but it's a really good illusion that helps us cope with the horrors of the outside world. I, personally, have tried to love before and failed. But I kept trying anyway, simply because I made a decision to. You Are Not Alone. If nobody else, I'll be here. Like i said in my other comment, I don't know you at all, and I know next to nothing about you, but i would like to be there for you, when no-one else will. simply because you are a fellow human being.<br />
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P.S. You're only as crazy as the rest of our species.<br />
P.P.S. in terms of love, It just means that somebody likes you and wants to do things for you with little or no expectation of repayment.