My Feelings On This Emotive Subject

But!! I can accept that a lot of people feel that to commit suicide is one of the most selfish things a person can do.  The thing is unless you have been there, in that place you cannot possibly understand how one can contemplate suicide, attempt suicide and or die from the act of suicide.

I feel I can comment on this because a) I have been suicidal, b) I have attempted suicide and c) I have had two close friends suicide. 

With regards to people thinking those suiciding to be selfish the old saying "Walk a mile in my shoes" applies.  There will be those people out there who say Oh I have been depressed or sad but I would never be so selfish to actually commit suicide.  Do people really think that when someone is in this horrible place they are able to give deep and meaningful thinking to just who might suffer when they are gone and how selfish they are being by choosing to suicide? Does the suicide of someone cause other people pain? YES of course it does but the pain for the poor bastard who chose to end their life would have been pretty damn bad also.  Anyway by the time one comes to this decision (in my experience anyway) I feel that I would be ending other people's suffering by having to put up with me so is this selfish?

A close friend committed suicide 7 yrs ago.  She had been depressed for a long time, had numerous hospitalizations, been on x amount of medications and was deeply distressed so much so that she chose to end her life and even thinking about this right now makes me get tears in my eyes, tears to think she felt so alone that no-one and nothing could help her.  She was a mum with four children one of whom went on to commit suicide himself as a 17yr old.  She loved her children so much I know this for a fact and she was a good mum but she couldn't go on she just couldn't go on another day feeling the way she did.  So yes I still feel pain and yes I wish I was able to help her but I have to accept that I could not stop her from suffering and let go. 

I also subscribe to the belief that things can get better, one might get better if only one can hold on long enough but hey its sometimes too much of a big ask to ask someone to hold on a minute longer whilst hanging on the cliff edge by their finger nails.  I am lucky I survived, I am ok and I will not sit here and judge people who are feeling suicidal because I have been there myself and know what they know as opposed to some people out in the community who are clueless.

cello cello
51-55, F
2 Responses Jul 28, 2008

I agree completely, having been suicidal myself. Hurting others was never my intention and it was considered when I was wanting to take my life. But, the pain I felt and isolation was beyond words. It hurt to breathe and my entire world was black. The pain consumes every aspect of you and you cannot think things out 'rationally' someone who has said they have been 'depressed' or 'sad' do not know what true pain is until they are ready to give up everything they have ever known to end the pain.

Well put.