Social Suicide.

My depression is getting worse....Its a horrible empty feeling and I just feel like everyone else would be better off without me. I cant stop it. I mean have you ever thought about your funeral and which of your friends would show up? lately that is all I can think about. I have a feeling that not half as many people as I would like to would actually show up. I have been thinking about suicide a lot lately. Its all I can think about. Its all I feel. I may have a smile on my face but inside I am dying. literally. I dont enjoy flowers, sunshine, anything that I used to love anymore. I feel like the walls around me are crumbling and I no longer have a solid foundation. I feel like I am on a hill covered in ice and i keep losing my footing.Cutting doesn't work, the deeper I dig the more tempted I am to just off myself. I can't drink it away because we all know that I am tried. I'm stuck. Nothing I can do about it, I should see professional help but I can even afford to put gas in my car, let alone pay for a person to tell me im so amazing and BLAH BLAH BLAH...spare me the details. I used to fantisize about how I'd do it and when. I used to wish I'd get hit by a car or lose control while I was driving and it would kill me. I completely understand how and why people feel like this. But of course I can't off myself because of what it will do to friends and family... People tell me suicide is selfish... I believed it once... Now I wonder... Are they just as selfish to ask us to continue in this miserable existence just so they won't have to endure the pain that comes with loss? That pain fades... it takes time, but it fades... I think maybe I'm stuck with this forever.....

muffintopwarrior muffintopwarrior
18-21, F
Aug 12, 2008