It's All About Me Isn't It

I don't believe I am selfish for wanting to die, it's my life so why can't I take it. You didn't give it to me, I owe you nothing. The people that did could care less so I say go for it. Sometimes you feel that low, sad, alone and you just don't see an up. If no one is there to help then why should you help yourself. We all need a support team but sometimes that isn't even good enough. It's not mind over matter and anyone who thinks so can kiss my lily white @SS!

Depression hurts... that slogan is reality to so many and when you see someone in that mode you need to force yourself into their world. The will push you but you need to push harder. If you let them get away they may end up gone for good. If you don't care enough to stop it then why should we. Suicide seems like the only answer at times, and sometimes to me.

mysplitpersonality mysplitpersonality
36-40, F
33 Responses Nov 9, 2007

Unseen... :P

I actually laughed at your last comment MSP probably a rare thing with discussions like these.<br />
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As ItsOver said. Keep fighting it!

my fiance also has something incurable

PUCK!! I miss you so! If you EVER need me you come find me darlin'... via EP or hotmail you know where I am.<br />
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Big Hugs and know that I admire your strength!

I know, sometimes I feel like I just want out of my body. I can't see any future and I can't sleep. It's awful. I stick around and take my lumps because I've earned them. It does go away from time to time, but lately the good days are becoming more rare. Too many years of bad decisions and no delayed gratification.

Unseen... please know that I am not attempting, by any means, to persue an arguement. I am here to provide an understanding to those who are interested and so appreciate your comments. <br />
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Please accept my hugs and smooches and thank you for your honesty.<br />
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MSP

Angela, you're right, I do not agree with what you're saying on this issue. But I'm not FOLLOWING you around commenting on stories you've commented on, I've just happened to come across the same ones that you have. <br />
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And to mysplitpersonality I do understand actually as I suffer from anxiety and depression myself, I'm sorry to hear that so many other people are in this predicament and I agree that it takes a lot more strength to stay in the game instead of just getting out. What I mean about it getting better is that there are days when you feel a release. Well, talking from my own personal experience here, sometimes you do think 'well actually this isn't so bad' and you see through the depression. Such occurences may be rare but i think that's what we've got to hold on to.<br />
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I did not join EP for an argument - as I have said before I am simply expressing my views.

i was going to mention the same about depression to neuro. if they had really done extensive research then they would know that depression clinical depression which goes on for years not just a day or 2 is caused by a lack of a chemical called seratonin which is the chemical that makes us feel happy.

Neuro ~ <br />
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What you read in a book and what you feel inside are two entirely different things. If you are truely caught up on your reading then you must know that Bipolar Disorder is a chemical imballance. If it were mind over matter then my guess is we'd all be taking placebos instead of things like lithium that take our every last bit of creativity and leave me with tremors like a druggy looking for a fix.<br />
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As I've said before, I don't wish this pain on anyone and that includes you. I hope you NEVER have to know it and that you continue to walk on not knowing the monsters in my head and the pains they cause. <br />
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I do wish you compassion... it will take you far.<br />
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That's the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it's impossible to ever see the end. The fog is like a cage without a key. - Elizabeth Wurtzel

Until late last year suicide had never touched my life,and then a friend of mine commited suicide.To this day I still wonder why.But then if she feels better for having done it..or wanted to end the pain she was in who am I to judge her.Would I commit suicide? No ,because having come close to dying I realise how much i love this sham of a world we live in.I miss my friend alot, and i feeel bad because we had drifted apart and I was not there when she needed meIs suicide selfish?No it only might seem that way to those that are left behind IMO.

I do believe people have the ultimate will to choose whether or not they want to be depressed or really ******* down and I mean -down-. I'm a very stubborn, very free-spirited, free willed, put my foot down, fed up individual and I know enough psychology (extensive research) to know suicide isn't the best choice when one is not in their rational state of mind. <br />
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I also refuse to be constantly depressed. I don't want to be. I want to be ******* happy and peaceful and all of that jazz, yanno?<br />
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So, I am when I want to be. <br />
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So, while it is not a selfish choice, I do believe some people refuse to fight their demons and their battles and they just want to give in. When I can no longer fight or I no longer want to fight the fight, then I'll give up, but until then, there is always a will, there's always a way. <br />
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If I were any of you, I'd put my ******* foot down and tell depression to politely "**** off" and do what -you- want. Do you honestly want to wallow all the damn time?<br />
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I don't. :) Sorry if this was a pushy-post, but really, let's be serious here. If you want to be happy, guess who you rely on to be happy the most: You.<br />
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Because others will fail you in that area. I know. There's a valid reason as to why they fail: They don't know you in your head. They don't know what ****** you off or makes you depressed instantly. They're dancing to their own tunes.<br />
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But yes, support is AWESOME and cherished and appreciated beyond my ability to express.

GOOD FOR YOU AND I WISH YOU THE BEST!!! Your courage and fight are what make you who you are... a wonderful individual who is loved by many. Please know that the words I type are my opinions only and I welcome and appreciate all that you have to offer on this subject.<br />
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Hugs<br />
MSP

Suicide.. i guess we all have thought of it..i have an incurable disease ...the life expect of a person with this disease is 7 to 10 years...for 12 years now i have fought to survive...in pain all the time... everything that hurts ...every problem... they tell me comes from the disease... I was on a new drug Soliris for the past 6 months a treatment every 2 weeks at a cost of $10,000.00 a treatment ..was suicide a thought yes...I even told the doctor once just one bullet and one gun...i would feel at ease...btu i have 3 kids i am determined to be here as long as possible.....didn't think i would see my daughter married ...now grandbaby on the way... heck yeh...i am going to be here....

It makes a lot of sense and i'm sorry for your pain... I've made that call and been on the other side as well. I had a friend show up to find me passed out and stayed by my side until he thought each pill had come back up. But you know what, to me he only extended things. I don't regret the OD thing, done it a few times in my life. I've lost many to death and even suicide and yes it sucks and yes it hurts but I know their side too and they are no longer hurting and probably watching me going "nanny nanny boo boo" this very moment.... <br />
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It's a vicious circle at times and it is hard from both sides but you can't harp on what you cannot go back and change Rick. It wasn't your fault and we all make mistakes. You are loved and thank you for sharing such a difficult memory.<br />
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HUGs

hey msp i'm a gonna do a little soul bearing here if ya don't mind (ya can't really stop me can ya). the main thing i talk about on here causing my depression as you well know is my sorry assed sham of a marriage. tonite i shall tell you the root cause of my depression to show you how someone commiting suicide can seriously effect anothers life. my depression actually started getting really bad when i was a bout 20 yrs old (22 yrs ago) a good friend of mine possibly mty best friend at the time called me and asked me to come by his house that night saying he needed someone to talk with. well one thing lead to another and instead of going to his house i went to my girlfriends for a quick roll in the sack and then completely forgot about him till the next nght. that next night i saw lights on at his house and decided to stop in and apologize for standing him up the night before. he was never one for locking doors and when he didn't answer his door i just walked in to find him. find him i did too i found him hanging in his bedroom and i found the note saying he couldn't handle being alone anymore knowing that no one cared about him. i called the police waited in the livingroom for them told them where he was and went home to start drinking i drank for about 3 months almost non<x>stop. i missed his funeral because i couldn't face his family knowing that the night before he hung himself he had asked for my help and i decided a piece of *** was more important. they didn't know that but i did. i never cried about his death till my grandmother died several years later then i cried for both of them. that night was the true beginning of my attempt on my own life this past november i still blame myself for his death to this day. my therapist says there is nothing i could have done that it wasn't my fault but i keep thinking maybe just maybe if i had shown up and talked with him that possibly i could have said something to convince him not to kill himself. 22 yrs later between that and a horrible marriage (to the very piece of *** i got that nite) and my personal dislike of myself that i had built up i decided that i didn't want to live. i thought that i was good for nothing. the other day i heard my 12 yr old nephew say he was going to kill himself and it hit me hard i saw the cycle starting all over again. he knew what i had done to myself and i thought my god i put this idea in the head of a ******* 12 yr old and one that i love as if he were my own son at that. don't ever believe that no one will care or remember a few days later if you die because you are so wrong it hurts for a long long time to lose someone you care about. now i'm done rambling and this probably makes no sense at all to anyone but i feel better for trying though i'm crying my fool head off right now.

...and I believe my father forgot to buy birth control... <br />
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thank you for your thoughts and i value u'r opinion... just me being me

there is always hope and a brighter day... just think of all the aborted baby that would gladly have traded places with you to live 36 years... it isn't your life to give or take I believe that there is a GOD that allowed you to be born for some reason...at the appointed time in history.....

Death is hard... we all cope in different ways but never say never darlin'... tis just the world going round...

Wow... this is why i stay away from EP when I'm in the dark... fear of dragging the whole bunch down with me. Guys ignore me tonight. I'm here because I need the distraction and please know that I'm trying. It's kinda a close call right now yet if you need a lift I'll gladly do my best to offer my back.<br />
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Hugs and Love<br />
MSP

i fight it and i'm not entirely sure why anymore. something left for me to do i think

thanks msp.<br />
it's good to know i'm far from alone here, i guess..

On the contrary... my book "MSP's Redneck life" is just about complete. Memories are WONDERFUL... I have lots... I may not be happy that loved ones are no longer here but knowing that their pain is over makes me smile (and a bit jealous).<br />
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Dennis, a dear friend, has been gone about two years now. He died alone, in a state run mental institute. He died by his own hand because the monsters got him. He died alone, in his room feeling unloved and unwanted and no one was able to save him.... I WILL NOT GO THAT WAY!! If the monsters are coming then they'll take me with a drink in my hand and a smile on my face. I'm not afraid, I'm not going to have regrets and those whom I love will continue their journey... and if I made a difference in just one persons life along the way then I did pretty good. <br />
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(again I"m so freakin' tired... not making a lick of sense tonight)

tis nothing wrong w/ death... we all will get there at some point. I can't and won't be afraid and if by chance it is my destiny to do it by my own hand then so be it... <br />
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Funny thing about death... I am but one person... I go and maybe a few notice for a day or so but the world will keep turning and the sun will keep rising and soon I am forgotten...

Oh sweetie... I beat you too it today. I know you're there and I hope you know I appreciate you.<br />
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Love ya darlin'<br />
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Around the world and back again

unseen- if you even knew how hard we try, you wouldnt dare make those comments.... there is a difference between wallowing in self pity and hurting so much you can do nothing about it....<br />
As for you msp.... im still here, and i still love you.<br />
Dont think for a minute I forgot about the daily email, its just been a bt hectic today and hotmail is buggering me around.

Angela... I'm here if you ever need to chat... I get it and I know how it works so find me whenever. Even in my darkest hour I'll offer you a tug from the deep. Support is the key here and we just do what we must to make it through.<br />
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Unseen ~ I'm very happy for you. I am glad you do not know such a sadness nor do I ever wish it on you. Funny but my very best friend was like you and just couldn't understand... until her third child brought a post-pardom depression on that opened her eyes and her families. She get's it and I'm so sorry that she had to live it to find out but in a way it made us much closer. <br />
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Did it get better? Not really, things go up and down day after day. I'm currently here for my children and if it weren't for them well then I'd gladly go. I still think about it often, in fact right now... as I sit here typing and looking at the wonderful rainbow of pills lined up on my dresser. <br />
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I think it takes a lot more strength to stay than to go and one day I will take that easy road out. That's just me and you don't have to understand and you don't have to agree and that's perfectly fine. I wish you everlasting happiness!<br />
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MSP

it's not abou age, it's experience. i've had more than enough experience in this life for 4 lives. as far as us liking each othe or not: you're the one who keeps showing up on stories i've recently commented on, at least 5 by my count. do my thoughts and opinions bother you? I know much of what I say people don't want to hear, because it's the truth and the truth hurts. well get used to it because "life is pain. anyone who says different is selling something"

I do not think I know everything by any means. I do , however think you are wrong. And the fact that you are older than me doesn't make any difference, particularly as you speak in a gibbering and roundabout way. As for whether you lke me or not, I couldn't care less, I'm merely expressing my views as you have been doing. You think I'm wrong, I think you're wrong. And I went to school with people like YOU, people wallowing in self pity when really they should be TRYING to get on. I've been that person, sometimes I still am, and I despise myself for it.

"seems"<br />
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it's taken great self control to stay alive. it not a mood silly one, it's my anxiety and depression which are clinical and require medication. whenever circumstances lead me to miss a dose or two, I get extremely anxious, angry and even suicidal. I've lived like this all my life, most of it unmedicated until I was about 23. if you want to as a question you should wait for the answer. and again, you are young yet and you talk like it very plainly. you think you know everything and therefore everyone else is always wrong. i went to school with people like you, i've never liked people like you. things haven't gotten better, i simply got better control over my emotions, cntrolling them without supressing all emotion like when i was younger. i still need surgery and I still want to kill people often, or simply break down crying at work. but i have a nhuge amount of self-dicipline which is fuelds largly by human life energy

You've contradicted yourself here: 'Suicide seems like the only answer at times' if it's the only answer why haven't you done it?<br />
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Because things got better? So you didn't do it? I thought so. It's a mood, a mood that can go on for days, weeks, months. But a mood nevertheless and it WILL pass.

exactly, if no one else gives a s*it then why should? but my fiance does get a da mn about me, that's why i'm afraid to even talk about it, for fear of making him panic or depresssed

aahhh yes... the choice is mine isn't it... finally I get a choice in something... ggeezzz and it only took 36 years to figure out

Moments like these are very dark indeed no words seem to be able to penetrate and all hope and logic seems lost.The choice is ulimately yours but just like night and day this mood will also change and its in te darkest momnet that we yes i say we need to take the hand of the friend that reach out to us and trust and let them help us hold on until the light shines again cause i a have been there al to many times myself. Hope this makes some sense Thinking of you