I Decided To Write A Story

so you found me...
next chapter...
it's 00.30

well i'm going to write my life story,,

i was born premature with jaundice on the day of my parents wedding, a thursday , the day after valentines day. brown curly hair, big brown eyes and tiny nose. i walked at 9 months... and liked rice pudding, and cheese, they called me mouse, still do embarssingly, i used to go around the house squeaking a little mouse squeak, theres a video we have of the family when i was two, i was jumping off the sofas, and bunny hopping, and playing ring around the roseys. later i grew up fast. mainly because my family did change, my eldest became schizophrenic and was put in the hospital while i was doing my communion there are pictures of me in the hospital in my dress. but before that i was 5, i started going ice-skating, when you had the two blades, till i was 8 when the disco night would be on a saturday and they'd play games and music. earlier in the evening i would play with my friend from across the road in indiana land., a sort've play jungle. after school, i'd build huts, waterfights, untill one time i had to get staples in my foot , still got the scars.. the boy next door would tease all the girls, he was always trying to kiss everyojne, i cant remeber if he got me to do anything or not :/.

my atendence at school started to be lower than 75 percent, next year 23 percent. with a dad as a EWO this wasnt good for the family. but i couldn't think, i was smart but was easily distracted.. i lay in bed most of p4-p7. till i was ten, when i had prayed to god for a whole year that something would get me into the grammer school up the road but praying didn't work, even when i got a b2 i could've been accepted i was sent to the same school as my sisters. i decided to change my ways, and had full attendance for three years, until i fell back in with a girl from primary school, started drinking, left school., got a breif job in a backery while i hung about town with the punks, and wasted my life away. i was destined for greatness at one point, i was even good at sports, singing in the choir, a's in art, took up technology and geography and double science as my subjects, was going to become an architeck like my grandfather, or paleontologist my fav subject, but i gave it all up ..

so i've been hopping from one group in town to the other since, but they all led me down the same rotten path, and now, i've got to better myself. i'm going to take up singing lessons again and join the church choir, they know my fam well so i should be able too. i'm going to quit smoking that me and the ex friend only started doing out of bordeom one day, and i'm going to join the yoga classes at the top of the hill, relax my mind, for the journey i'm about to take.

and the big one, i'm not spending another single penny on gambling in any form shape or substance, i'm going to take up running instead in our local park, it's a nice quite park, with a built in race track path.

i dont drink anymore, havnt for four months after going off the taste and the hangovers..

art, i'm going to use my oil paints my wee sister got me for christmas last year, and paint a landscape.

i have a voice recorder too, can use it to talk down notes for poetry.

i have so much to get on with.. bettering your life is one of the biggest and most rewarding jobs on the planet. and i dont think mine could be much worse right now, so i'm firing all guns tomorrow, i will not let another day pass, without reversing some of the damage just a little to give myself some dignaty


ps i kjnow i havn't spell checked and i dont care right now, who'se going read this loada..
mpacampbell mpacampbell
18-21, F
1 Response Oct 7, 2012

Dear MPA,

You wrote on my whiteboard so I looked at your groups. This one I thought best to respond to as you give some detail. Hope you don't mind.

First thing I should say is I don't know how schoziphrenia feels and won't pretend to. Have talked to several and they tried to explain it to me, but, like depression, you can't really understand unless you've felt it.

That first 5 years of life with your parents or carers as essentiually "Gods" are critical to developing our character. It sets like a hard drive at about 5 and often we just cannot avoid those learnings, good, bad or indifferent. I will say I believe most parents do try to instill in us the best that they know, or believe to be true. Regardless it can damage us badly.

My father lived through the Great Depression and was in WW2. His father was in WW1 in France and was mustard gassed but came home but could ony lie in bed until he died, years later. I have siblings too so he taught us essentially survival skills for the conditions he had. For us, it was irrelevant as after the war when we were all born, things were easy and we enjoyed life so much. But that early training restricted and inhibited us to painful degrees.

I too had a lot of promise and knew it, until a fatal car accident changed my life. Everything was different from then on And, like you, I was a classic underachiever. Last 2 years of High School I deliberately did as badly as I could and made sure our final exams would only scape me home but not qualify me for uni. I did qualify for one but no way.

I had no direction, no ambition and just wanted to get away which I did. Spent a year hitch hiking aroubnd Australia, workinbg here and there as a labourer and finding friends everywhere I stopped. I kept moving though, and despite getting caught in 1972 and married, I have kept moving until I settled here, 12 years ago now. This place finally feels "at home " for me.

I've had various levels of depression since the accident but didn't know that until I was 35 as I thought everyone felt as I did. They didn't. I never found work hard at all but personal life? Always a mess and still is really. The difference to me is that work has rules you can rely on, outside there are NO rules and I go on defense mainly these days. I worked very hard to get on top of my depression wth my partner's support and getting lucky by finding a great shrink. He never gives up.

Done all the suicide thughts and half attempts but decided I wanted to live, regardless as I was aware of the "ripple effect" of any suicide. Like throwing a rock into a still pond. The ripples keep going until they reach the edge. In human terms, it even goes down generations. I refrused to succumb as I have children and did not want them to feel that pain. I lost them in the divorce of course but have 2 more with another lady, my partner now of 20 years. Yes, I'm 19, still, in my head, truly, I am. That was when I started travelling and that freedom I had will be with me forever even though I lost it as soon as marriage bound me to that dragon, as I call her. Vicious ***** but lust overlooks that.

Today I have most of that freedom back, not all as I have a family but they give me latitude.

Regardless of where I was and how good being with friends was I had to keep moving and did just that. I think I was just never in the right place and maybe never would have been but for that shrink and ny partner and my own hard work in getting to know my illness, anticipate it and stop it. I will never be "cured" but I feel none of the bad stuff at all anymore. No fear, anxiety, doom, have a still and peaceful mind and say "I am content' Which I think is as good as it gets. I do not stop treatment as I know the result, as i've tried a number of times to go med free and after about 6 weeks, the world starts to crumble again. So I head back to the shrink and go meds again. Be vigilant forever for me. I used to take some med, feel a bit better then give them away and went back to what I was doing. Failure!

I have to say to you that one of the worst things I did when depressed was look ahead and predict the future. Being depressed it was always nasty so I stopped and now focus on today, only, and have learnt how to stop thinkng of the past. CBT does that for me now, look it up.

So, to me, making plans and having great ambition today can only lead to shattering disappointment tomorrow. Sure, if you want to do that, be realistic and write down how you will achieve those goals. Things really can only be dealt with a small bit at a time else we feel the weight of the future and it crushes us. Don't let it. Like today's task is X and tomorrow you will decide what task you give yourself for that day.

If you are studying you do need to make plans for where you want to go and how to get there. Write that down and don't look at it for months. Then look, see how you are going and adjust it or shout Hooray if you are on track.

There is no race and there is nothing but you to please. No one else really matters until you are totally in touch with yourself and are ready to let others in. A bit. I gave up drinking on 6 january 2000 and haven't missed it at all. I hated the taste actually but after one they went down easy. I binged. I drank till I was broke or couldn't stand up. That was how I avoided depression for about 30 years. Had to finally stop as one night I became volent and that was it. Just stopped. Smoking, stopped 6 years ago, overnight. Just had to decide I wanted to. Gambling, same thing. All 3 went together you see.

If I went out I would do all 3 inevitably so stopping them meant not ging out to all those places. Of course most of the people I drank with etc, I lost immediately as I was no longer "one of them". Doesn't worry me at all actually. I'm the best friend I will ever have and I had to learn that the hard way.

I wsh I could really help but I only have words and, really, a litany of mistakes to offer. Not wisdom. Just what didn't wok for me etc.

Good luck, or better yet, work hard on you.