This Friday I am planning on telling my wife that I want to file for divorce. Saturday is my birthday. I do not care that it is my birthday. I never enjoy anything anymore. I feel fake. Acting my way through a fake life. No one who sees me knows what I am thinking, including my wife, whom I love. I thought that telling her on the beginning of a weekend would allow her some time before she had to work again.

This will not be a complete shock to her since we have discuss several times already. The difference is that I will be the one to bring it up. Every time she has brought it up, I lied. I told her what she wanted to hear to ease her pain. Secretly I kill myself each time.

I have tried to shoehorn my emotions into the life I have created with her even though I always feel like I gears between us are not meshing well. When I truly felt as though I could accept this life, she would express her dissatisfaction of our relationship interactions.

She is an overly emotional woman. I am mostly numb partially due to the way I am and partially due to medication. Her contrast of responses to my responses always jars me into fear. I have a "fix-it" response that kicks in. Later it feels more like a kick-in-the-head for not telling her how I feel. I have never been able to tell her how I feel.

I am not planning on fighting for the stuff; the house that I designed and built using my inheritance. I do not want her to struggle as I have for years.

I have stayed because I love her. I am leaving because I love her.
Fluxification Fluxification
41-45, M
Aug 19, 2014