Children If And Only If I Find True Love? Or Should I Settle Down Just To Have Kids?

Hi All,

I am a 29-year-old woman. I had a long term relationship (5 years) until we we broke up 2 years ago. Since then, I have dated but not had a serious relationship. All my friends are married and some have babies. I feel that I need to make a decision. The doctors say that if you want kids, as a woman you shouldn't wait for too long, since health risks increase with mother's age (especially the risk of Down Syndrome). I love children, I really do and I believe I would be a good mother. But I seriously don't know if I want to have children of my own. I love my life the way it is. Without anyone special in my life, it doesn't make much sense to even think about it. But I don't want to regret not having kids in the future, either. On the other hand, I have some female friends, who settled down with men they are not in love with, just to be able to have kids. Am I too naive to still wait for real love? And have children if and only if I can provide them with parents who are in love with each other. I really hope I have a few more years, and who knows maybe I am about to meet the love of my life (though I can say I have logically given up waiting, I accept that probably nothing will change). Maybe I will adopt children if I meet the right guy in the future (should I adopt on my own if I don't ever meet the "one", doesn't a child need a father?). I find adoption much more "sacred" than the incredible biological urge to give birth oneself (I personally don't feel that urge). I love the way babies smell, but no. What if I decide that want children and never meet the one? And how does one know whether you want children or not? I really don't know. I know I don't feel ready now, but is it because it is irrelevant for me at the moment since I'm single? I don't know. Any suggestions are more than welcome. 
stephie33 stephie33
26-30, F
3 Responses Jul 26, 2010

For years I said that I did not want children. In fact, I always said that the great thing about other people's children is that you can give them back when they start making noises or smelling funny or leak fluids.<br />
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I just turned 30 about 2 months ago, and for the past year I have been slowly changing my mind. The thought of having children has changed from seeing it as a nuisance to seeing it as a blessing. My boyfriend was back and forth about it, as was I, but recently I told him that I probably want kids. A week later, he told me that he 100% does not want children - it is "not negotiable". We went from looking at engagement rings to taking back the keys to each others houses. As much as I loved him, I realized that you only live once, and I could not be with someone who was going to take away my possibilities.<br />
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I have never loved anyone more in my life, and I gave him up because even though I'm not absolutely certain that I want children, I could not go on knowing that the decision would be taken away from me. I always thought the same thing - that I should fall in love first, then make that decision. After all, what if the person I fall in love with just is not the parenting type? But, I figure that I found love once, I can find it again, because if it really was meant to be then he would feel the same way that I do.

I know what you mean. I am 35, been married for 7 years now. At the start of the relationship I was very clear in my head and knew for sure that I did not want kids. We have different religious backgrounds-maybe my decision was related to that. I was so in love, and content that I never felt the need to analyze my decision. Now for the last 3 years I have been wanting kids but my husband has been stalling, and telling me that "most days he does not want kids" but if I really push him he tells me he doesn't want to lose me and is willing to have kids. But then never follows through. I came off my birth control pill years ago because we just weren't having sex frequently and now all we have is dry spells. I am sick of it, now most days I feel like I don't want kids either but I'm not sure if its just giving it to my husband's wishes or if it is what I truly want. My younger siblings are having kids and I can feel the pressure and soemtimes feel like I am missing out. I feel a void in my life, and am not sure that is why I want kids or if it is normal to want something more than a husband and a career. I am confused and unfortunately it is turning into anger directed at my husband, because I feel like he has been stalling for the last 3 years.

Dear Stephie,<br />
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I totally understand. I am in the same boat. I am almost 32. I dated someone for 3 years that could provide very easily for myself and a child, but I didn't feel that we ever had a strong connection, and spending the rest of my life with someone who was great on paper, but I just didn't have a connection with... I couldn't do it. <br />
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Now, I am dating someone who is much younger, so having a child with him isn't an option. We love each other dearly, but the option of having a child isn't there and won't be. I don't feel so strong about having a child, but feel that I may want to if I am dating someone capable of having a child with me.... I don't know if I am supressing a feeling now by dating someone much younger... or if I don't want one. <br />
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Hugs.