Children Or No Children?

My finace and I are getting married in less than a month. We are both 23. He is very adamant about not wanting children. I am adamant about not wanting children for at least 10 years because we have large student loan debt, I have a good education, and a really good job that is supporting us while we dump money into loans, and I enjoy working. If we work extremely hard and save and pay most of the debt off. . . will I even want children in 10 years? I am leaning toward "No." The beginning of our marriage is going to be both of us working two jobs or a job and a half. We will finally have time with each other once these debts are under control. . . I don't think I will want a child when we finally have time together.

I am just so unsure. 10 years is such a long ways away from now and there is no way to know what either of us is going to want at that time. The only reason why I do not have a definite "No" is because I have heard of many women who are in their 30s and suddenly decide they want to have a baby. I can't imagine myself being this way. . . but I just don't know.

I have never seen myself as a mother. . . I hardly ever played with baby-dolls as a child. I currently don't like children (not even my own nieces most of the time). I refuse to babysit or even volunteer to help with children at church. My mom was like this too. . . but had two children. I often find with children that I don't have that "Mother's Instinct" that tells me what to do and that makes me severely uncomfortable.

Is there anyone else out there who felt this way and eventually had children? What were your reasons? Did you have children when you were older? Did your husband or partner change his mind?

Thanks in advance.
kjschro kjschro
1 Response Aug 11, 2011

For years I said that I did not want children. In fact, I always said that the great thing about other people's children is that you can give them back when they start making noises or smelling funny or leak fluids.<br />
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I just turned 30 about 2 months ago, and for the past year I have been slowly changing my mind. The thought of having children has changed from seeing it as a nuisance to seeing it as a blessing. My boyfriend was back and forth about it, as was I, but recently I told him that I had made up my mind that I wanted kids. A week later, he told me that he 100% does not want children - it is "not negotiable". We went from looking at engagement rings to taking back the keys to each others houses. As much as I loved him, I realized that you only live once, and I could not be with someone who was going to take away the possibility of me having something that I wanted in life.<br />
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I have heard many people say that they never wanted kids until they had them, and now they can't imagine life without them. I have never heard anyone say that they regretted having kids.<br />
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My point is, the topic of having children is something that you should not compromise on - whether you want them or not. If you're considering that you might want them in the future, then it's probably good to tell your fiance about this. Sorry to say, this is something that probably should have come up long before. I have heard that marriage is most successful when future plans are discussed in greater detail, even going as far as saying "we will have two children starting in four years".<br />
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If you get married without bringing this up and change your mind, you'll either avoid bringing it up so you don't stir the pot (and end up hating him for it) or it will end in divorce. Life is short, make sure you know what you're getting into and that it's right for you.