Should I Have Kids?

I am so torn.  I do not know what I should do.  I am 33, so I have some time...but can't wait forever.

I have 2  beautiful step daughters, ages 6 and 9.  I love being a step mom, but it is difficult at times.  A lot of work and no appreciation.  Plus, you will never been their mom...never be at their weddings, etc. 

But children are a huge responsibility.  I work and so many of my working mom friends are not happy.  Just working and being a mom is too much.  They are tired and overwhelmed.  I do not want to be miserable. 

I don't ever see myself quitting work.  I am married, a 2nd time.  I am probably too pessimistic to quit work.  One, I could get divorce. Two, my husband, whose health isn't great, could die.  So I can't quit work and stay at home.

I work a lot of hours.  Working on my MBA now too.  Too tired to even procreate most of the time!  Must decide...have 1.5 years of school left.  Will be 35 then.  Hope to know by then.


Anlienisse Anlienisse
31-35, F
10 Responses Aug 18, 2007

I'm 35, have a great - but very demanding job. My husband is a workoholilc (15 hour days are normal for him) so effectively I'm a single parent with one child. Inspite of all this we're a happy family and take time out for vacations. Now the question is whether to have a second? We do have adoption/surrogacy on the cards - nevertheless, do I want to be a 'single parent' atleast 80% of the time? Will it affect our relationship further? If I quit work now - then I know there will be no coming back.... Do I want to handle the sleepness nights and diapers all over again? Become a home mum from my pretty decent career? I used to have an active lifestyle - now with work and one child, there's no time for even 30 minutes of gym or some reading that I used to enjoy. With a second I can stay goodbye to it for another 3 years. <br />
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The only upside - my current child is craving to have a little baby sister or brother. She talks to me every night before going to bed. Having a child now will be a good age gap and they'll have companionship of eachother for life - a family other than the parents. Plus I do love babies and get this urge every now and again. But hold back because of the reality of life ! Help !! I need to decide very quickly.

Thanks for the other posts. I am almost 41, have always envisioned being a "mom"...several longish relationships later, I found myself with someone that had 2 kids from previous relationship. Originally the plan was to add one of our own, sooner than later as the boys were then 4 and 6. The lust began to wear off and reality set in, he realized he didn't really want to start over. I felt deceived and trapped, now living together for 2 years and involved in parenting the kids half time. My partner and I were attracted to each other because of an active lifestyle which we enjoy when the kids are not around. However, he often makes plans to be with the kids extra. 3 days before his vasectomy reversal he backed out. Fast forward 2 years later...I felt that I had to decide...and although he had changed his mind and was not very good at communicating it, I felt we had a decent relationship. However, I do often feel very ripped off from "my dreams" and despite all my good intentions to be a mature and positive and happy about it all, I find myself feeling angry and resentful. Now he says he is agreeable to having a child together and I am completely torn. The boys are nice to me, they are definitely challenging and have never been affectionate towards me. Was less than a year ago that they wouldn't even sit beside me on the couch. At the same time, given the 5 years of parenting i have already done,having worked in pediatric intensive care, fearing my age and complications, somewhat nervous about losing the life we share now, I am deathly afraid of this.....help???

Wow! Mountainjane, our situations are very similar. I'm only 32, met a man who is 50 and fell crazy in love with him (despite the large, but unnoticeable age gap). Initially, he wooed me with talk of marriage and children. But as time wore on, he became less and less sure. He also backed out of a vasectomy reversal. He's madly in love with me, but he can't commit and doesn't know if he ever wants children. I have thought of him as my soul mate, but after 2 years of living with him and caring for his two children part time as well, I've just grown hurt and resentful. I broke up with him a week ago, in hopes of falling madly in love with another man and building a home with him. But, I can't help feeling I've made the wrong choice - we seem so perfect for each other, with the exception of our current life stages. I'm afraid if I get back together with him, I will continue to be angry and resentful. I'm dying to know how the last 8 months have panned out for you. I also have the active lifestyle/additional time with the kids dilemma you mentioned. Any advice you can offer would be great.

mountainjane and stoler80, I'm very interested in what you decided. I'm 35 and in a relationship of almost 2 years with a man who has 2 kids from his ex-wife. He I adore the kids and they love me but they stay for three sleeps a fortnight. And I'm aware that they are not mine, so aware. Their mum changes plans and leaves out info and I tolerate that. My bf had a vasectomy while he was still with his wife. When we started dating and were newly in love he thought it was possibly he'd get a reversal but unlikely. I wanted children. We agreed to date and it has been the most wonderful relationship I've ever had... except that I think I want children of my own. I'm trying to decide. When his kids are here it's chaotic and lovely but exhausting - would it be like that with my own kids? And the bf has decided he definitely doesn't want any more children so we'd have to break-up. I've always accepted that I want children but now I'm wondering what it would be like if I didn't have any. I feel like time is slipping away from me and don't want to lose him and his kids... but would I regret not having a try for children?

Reporter Jill: I'd like to know how women have felt later in life who have decided not to have kids because their partner didn't want them. If I consciously choose love over the possibility of my own child will I regret it. Although that's highly personal, perhaps there are some statistics that indicate what the majority of women have felt? I'm 39 and not set on being a mom as well as knowing there would be no guarantees for me at this point either - but how have others felt? Do you have any info or can you direct me to a website that does?<br />
Anleineisse: What's happened since then for you? (My boyfriend has an 11yr old, he had a vasectomy 9yrs ago and is 44yrs old, and doesn't want to start over. His daughter's amazing and he's a great dad. I think that's part of what makes me sad we won't experience our own child together.)

Hey. I'm a journalism student at Columbia University working on a story about women who choose not to have kids or are postponing it later than most and came across this board.<br />
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Is there any chance that you might be willing to talk about your thoughts and experiences? I'd love to listen.<br />
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Please let me know!

Tired and stressed is optional. There are many styles of parenting and not all involve being tired or stressed, trust me. I've got 6, the youngest is 11. It's a blast, just one long party really. All it takes is a sense of humour.

i know exactly how you feel, though i am still in my twenties, i too have been wrestling with the decision to have children. there seems to be so much pressure to do it, from parents, friends, society in general. sometimes i hold a neice or nephew and have an incredible urge so deep and powerful, but then at other times i think of all the things that my husband and i have not yet done and wonder whether i am ready to sacrifice my dreams, at least for the time being. sorry, i cant offer much help, just wanted to let you know i empathize with your struggle, because it helped me to know that you empathize with mine

i know exactly how you feel, though i am still in my twenties, i too have been wrestling with the decision to have children. there seems to be so much pressure to do it, from parents, friends, society in general. sometimes i hold a neice or nephew and have an incredible urge so deep and powerful, but then at other times i think of all the things that my husband and i have not yet done and wonder whether i am ready to sacrifice my dreams, at least for the time being. sorry, i cant offer much help, just wanted to let you know i empathize with your struggle, because it helped me to know that you empathize with mine

Interesting question. Earlier I just didn't care about children. Now everything has changed. I am 28 and I would give everything for a child. I know that it is a very big responsibility and takes much time and money, but the love in it. I always give love and don't care if I didn't get too much back. I think that when you bring up your kids in love, they will love you and respect you. I have fears of course that I won't be a good mother and we won't have time with my husband for us and I see unhappy families as well, but I think that it is a very good thing. You must be able to give up your comfort. Love can't be without sacrifice.

Hmmm....I guess you it's hard to explain where I am at. I would never, ever regret a child. <br />
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I love my step daughters and most are amazed at our relationship. But I am one of those people that give so much...a very hard worker. I will be at their quinceanera, and wedding, but on the sideline...as their mother is the key figure and I never try to "steal" her role. <br />
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I just wish it was easier. Most the mom's I know are tired and stressed. The couples I know who have chosen not to have kids are happier. Not that the other couples don't love their kids, they are just so tight on time and money. So little time for themselves...frazzled.<br />
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Just so complex.

Having kids is something that you must decide for yourself. It would majorly suck for your child if you had a baby that grew up hearing, "I never really wanted you, you ruined my life!" The lack of appreciation is something that all mothers experience, I think. My mum often complains of the way we [sis and I] ruined everything for her. <br />
But then again, sometimes it's "worth it", you know? So many of my friends do little things for their mums, and it gets a big smile and hug from them. I guess that when you as a mother put so much blood, sweat and tears into one little being, a little "I love you lots mum!" can go a long way. And btw, *why* wouldn't you be at their wedding? If you are one of the ppl who raise them and love them then they would care enough, don't you think?<br />
Have you thought of adopting? Could be an option...? <br />
I hope you work it out!