Fear Of The Unknowns

When I was young, while other girls were dreaming of marriage, I was dreaming of becoming a pilot, scientist, botanist, mountain rescue etc. I have been thinking how awesome to be a lone ranger/wanderer. I wasn't much interested in sex whether with a girl or a guy though I love reading romantic stories the one where you go "awww" and sigh.

I puked for my first kiss with a guy. I started the relationship because I was thrilled by the touch (just a simply stroke at the hand) and to stop people from annoying me further. I didn't quite like being too physical beyond holding hands as I feel it was wrong. We broke off and back again until it ended for good one day. I love how he prioritizes the relationship.

The second relationship started even when the first was still fresh. He was very charming, romantic and sweet. I love his touch and caress. I'm not sure why I ended it but it's very to do with some advice my close friend gave. Now, I felt betrayed by her as she might not have told me the truth. The truth is she was jealous of us. I didn't know any better. I hurt him without giving him a good reason why.

I never intend to start a relationship with the third. I meant him to be a good friend. Somehow I just let it cruise and it was a very comfortable and pleasant relationship. We were very like-minded, both in the same field and intellect. It was a very interesting relationship which I foresee it to last a lifetime. However, I ended it very abruptly as we were about to proceed with marriage. I was very confused and worried as we learn that we have to consummate the marriage and have sex frequently to keep the marriage alive. I can't imagine doing that with him. Somehow, I don't feel excited when kissing. I just like to cuddle and hold hands with him. Therefore, I took the step where my life started to roll downhill. People see me differently. I hurt a lot of people I care about. However, I felt it the right thing to do then. Now I'm not sure since the effect of the decision was rather traumatizing and left me badly scarred.

Now, I'm in my fourth relationship. He's from a different culture. East meets West. It feels like a healthy relationship though it has its flaws.

I worry. I fear the unknowns - what if I don't like sex? what if I like sex but don't like it too often? I fear the responsibilities that comes with marriage, am I up for it (hear lots of infidelities, divorces, broken homes)? The problem is I would like to do things right the first time if not the second and have things unfold beautifully like how I imagine it to be - beautiful, filled with love, care, trust, hope, and freedom. Nothing is perfect. To me, imperfection is perfection, but I'm sort of an idealist and so I worry.

ps: I think I have the worry gene in me...

crushingwaves crushingwaves
May 17, 2012