Insecure Much?

I created this group shortly after seeing another group created by someone who seemed to have fallen in love with someone online, only for it to end badly when the other party didn't reciprocate. This reminded me of some complaints I've seen recently about people harassing other members here (I haven't experienced or seen this for myself), and that in turn made me think of how I myself feel about something that in general is regarded as harmless and fun--flirting. I hate flirting.

The main reason is my low self-confidence--the way I see it, if a guy (or a girl) starts flirting with me, I have to assume they're just cruelly joking because honestly, who would want to flirt with me? Especially once they know me or have seen a picture. I never even had anyone interested in me in all my years of school (except for one guy who was, you guessed it, a liar). Some people simply don't attract others, and I'm one of them. Hence, heck NO would anyone ever really flirt with me out of a feeling of attraction, no matter how superficial, so if they do so they must be making fun of me. I've been made fun of all of my life.

Online is slightly different in that people can't ever really "know" you as well as in real life, no matter how much you e-mail each other. I've had a couple of guys who seemed to have crushes on me, but I brush that off and don't reciprocate. I never, ever flirt with others, seeing how much I hate it myself, so I never do a thing to "lead anyone on." And I make it pretty clear to the people who do start things with me that I'm not interested in the least. But I just said that the online world is different from "real life"--meaning that no matter how hard you try, there's always going to be someone who makes an a** of themselves not heeding your warning signs.

There was one time when a guy apparently flirted with me, I brushed it off politely, and his reaction was such that...well, let the story speak for itself first.

It was on some Yahoo! message boards where I used to post frequently. I never really made any friends there, though there were a few names which were familiar. A new guy showed up one day and, after looking at my Yahoo! profile which listed my interests, claimed that he was interested in some of the same things; would I like to look at his site? I politely did so; it was okay, nothing spectacular. He just didn't seem to be as into the things as I was. We wrote back and forth a few times on the board (we never e-mailed personally) and he was nothing but friendly; I sensed that he was trying to engage me in conversation and perhaps I wasn't being talkative enough, even though back then I was rather outspoken online. (Bad experiences have since made me keep very quiet most of the time.) I was courteous to him in return the whole time we communicated. Everything was going fine.

Then, seemingly out of the blue, he wrote to me, "Hey, would you like to hook up?" I believe he made a few other comments that made it clear what the meaning of "hook up" was, and it wasn't "meet somewhere for burgers" or anything of the sort--it was what I had always understood the term to mean, "engage in a romantic relationship."

I was flabbergasted by this sudden come-on--what had made him think I was interested in such a thing?--but decided to be polite, disgustingly so. "I'm sorry," I apologized (though I'd done nothing wrong!), "I don't trust people very well, thus I know I wouldn't be very good in a relationship. It's nothing personal, but I'm not interested."

Well, at least I thought I was polite. The guy's response made it sound like I'd been anything but!

"JEEZ!" he responded in an astounded and sarcastic tone. "I wasn't being SERIOUS! I live in Texas and you live in Michigan, it's not like we could ever meet in real life! For God's sake, it was just a joke!"

That was the last we communicated, obviously. I remained on the boards; he faded away. I can only assume that his only reason for staying as long as he did was to try to get me to "hook up"--whatever he'd meant by that.

To this day, years later, I'm still of the mind that he was flirting and attempting to engage me in some sort of cyber-relationship. Sure we live across the country from each other, but there's always the Internet, IM, telephones. You don't have to meet in person to say dirty things. There was only one reason why some total stranger on a message board would ask a female to "hook up," and I called him on it.

And what did he do then? Took the coward's way out and pretended he'd only been joking, and threw the blame back on me for being paranoid and quick to jump to conclusions. He came on to me, I politely refused, and then guess which one of us threw a hissy fit? The title of this experience is "Insecure Much?" and despite my own high level of insecurity, that refers to him, not me. I think he was actually hurt or embarrassed that someone would refuse him so quickly, and to cover that up, he reacted the only way he knew how--with a sarcastic retort trying to make me look like the loony one.


If it had been "just a joke" and "not serious" as he'd claimed, then why did he take my refusal so seriously...? For claiming to have a sense of humor he apparently needed to work on it some.

This is another reason why I can't stand flirting--the insincerity. In my opinion, you shouldn't flirt with someone unless you genuinely are interested in engaging in a relationship with them. If you're just joking, no matter how harmlessly, then it's rude and cruel. Some people don't like having their feelings toyed with--especially when they've been put through lousy situations with other people as many times as I have. I've always detested insincerity, and flirting seems to be the epitome of that.

Other people can flirt all they want--I realize some people enjoy that sort of attention, and that's fine for them. But I don't have the self-confidence or the patience to deal with such things--and so no, flirting is not for me.

And I'm sure there must be at least a few other people out there who feel the same. Maybe not here, but somewhere. So the next time you want to flirt--think first. Unless you have a better sense of humor than that guy.


tehuti88 tehuti88
31-35, F
3 Responses Aug 6, 2007

I've never been one to flirt.. it's always seemed so dishonest and cruel to toy with someone like do they know what it really means? and I'm far too shy to flirt with someone I actually want (though still...I wouldn't want to get them *that* way anyways..) I don't take flirting seriously when it happens to me..

I like the fact that you called him on it. When I lived up north I went with my girlfriends to the base club. It was where we could just hang out. I had a guy who asked me to dance. I didn't think much about it but then he started to come on to me and I politely rebuffed him. He told me that he was in a foreign land and that I wasn't being hospitable. I told him that I was Not the welcome wagon and he was American like me and to find someone who would be interested in his lines. I then went to the bathroom and came back and he comes back over and asked me where was I and that he thought I was going to go at it with him in the bathroom. You can imagine my suprise and what I then said to himn isn't printable.

I tend to agree with you. I saw some stuff here and I don't know if it was the cause of flirting or harassing, but it is unfortunate if people stop postiing or being honest because of fear of stalking or harrassing. Sometimes I like being flirted with sometimes I don't but people should respect others feelings. I agree with you the person who wanted to "hook up" had no good intentions and then he just covered up his actions by saying he was just kidding.