Hurdling Over The Pain Slowly But Surely

everything started on May 2009, when I just met my first boyfriend. We were 2 complete strangers who found a little chemistry in each others, and so our relationship began to grow and blossom. It was not the best start for my first relationship since it was a long distance, but we tried and we (to me at least) were happy. I can't begin to describe how happy I was knowing that there is someone there for me even though he's not with me physically - just the thought made me the happiest girl.

It was in the summer when he first asked me to be his girlfriend with a rose, i couldn't be any happier and was gladly to accept his offer after a few months of dating (mostly via texting and chatting because we both can't drive but we did saw enough of each others) . And the fact that he took the train to come to see and visit me while i was in summer school, makes me feel confident about this relationship. Right after i accepted his proposal, he told me that he loves me. Truthfully, when he proposed to me, i was not ready to accept because i was not sure how much i liked him - i wasn't sure if i liked him for who he is or just the experience of the relationship. I didn't say that i love him at that moment though, but he said that he understand and will wait for me. At that point, i became very trusting of him, and so i let my barrier down and began to invest in him emotionally. Now I regret for not reading further into my emotions.

Ahhh, i forgot to left out a few details, both he and I, are sensual people. I have always knew this side of me despite how innocent i was with everything - i did not know anything, but it was my exboyfriend who broughtngs out the best of my sensual side or maybe i was just hormonal since i am 19. We have been fooling around so many times whenever we had a chance to see each others. So  when he actually took the efforts to visit me during the summer, i thought that i can trust him, so i gave IT to him (i am too shameful to say my virginity because i regret). During those 3 days weekend that he visited, it was the happiest days of my life. We didn't do much, but i appreciate all the little things that happened. Doesn't it make you feel loved and secure when you wake up, and the person you're with next to you is still there. Or just laying there, hugging, or looking at each others in the eyes. Like i had said before, i was the happiest person on earth. However, I never really noticed how we are extremely lustful whenever we are near. It happened so much that there were moments during the relationship, i felt everything was just lust.

As more time passed, I was back to school in San Diego - far away from him. The only time when we can actually see each others were when he got a ride from his friends down to SD to visit or when i went home. however, i slowly noticed a slow change. He began to text me less, were less creative, everything were less that we began to distant because of his lack of effort to contact me via our only means to communicate. I, however, were so absorbed in the relationship that i just continued and continued to trust him - letting him see me at my worse. Our relationship began to break apart with the constant fightings that we had. Most of it were initiated by me because i felt that we were not the same and so i confronted him that all i need was his attentions or time, but he was very doubt and wishy washy - he even began to tear whenever i confronted him. Despite all those struggles and fights, my feelings for him still grew stronger each day. I felt that it was the right time to say the 3 words. And as I began to say it more and showed him in all possible ways of how much I love him, our relationship worsens. It’s funny how things turn out.

It was on December that the first major gigantic fight broke out (out of millions of our little ones) and he decided to break up with me. He said that he loved me, but he has to let me go because it was too much pressure – the distance and the time. It’s also the first time that I was in shock because this person decided to break up with me at the most crucial time for many students – final weeks. I was angry, sad, lost, and depressed because he was so inconsiderate and was being a hypocrite. I cried for so long because I was hurt. However, he suddenly called me the next day, and apologized and was being regretful for his action. I was very confused and was still in shock. He asked me for forgiveness and that if he can have a second chance. I was so lost and was in love with him that I (an idiot) say yes. Despite feeling untrusted, I still gave him a chance because I wanted this relationship to work. And so everything was back to “normal.”

I continue to pamper him with my love and generosity, I went out of my ways many times to satisfy him, and he just takes and takes. I wanted us to spend more time together that I bought him new webcam and spent my time doing all the little things for him. I even did bizarre and erotic things to satisfy his sexual needs even though I was not entirely comfortable, but I knew it would make him happy.  I wanted to see him, so when I am home, I drove the freeway to see him and it was so nervous-wrecking because he never drove the freeway before. I knew that he always have money issues, so I never really asked him to treat me, and I would spend my dining dollar in SD to treat him instead. To me, when love to pamper the person I love because loving means giving to me. He was just accepting, and never does anything for me back. I used to remembered that he would played the guitar for me , sang me a songs, initiated talking/chatting, and sent cute/creative text to me WITHOUT me telling him what to do.  And so I began to feel more insecure and unloved, thus I continued to confront him about my NEEDS.

It was a month ago, when I could not hold it in anymore, so I told him how I truly felt about everything and that I was extremely unhappy. I asked him straight that if he was tired of me or why he wasn’t trying and that if he is, then I would be fine to leave him be because I don’t want to waste my time with a person who does not want to be committed in this relationship. He wasn’t answering my question, told me that I give too much and that I should be more selfish,  and  he was being wishy washy and when he did, he gave me a doubtful/contradicting answer that I didn’t know how to dealt with this situation. I even began to doubt myself, about my own needs. And of course, he cried when I confronted him. I just went on without know how to deal with his relationship. All I had was hope for him to change and that our relationship could be better.

A week ago. It started with a Monday’s night when he was being rude to me because i delayed his bedtime when I was oblivious of the situation and so I told him “that he can’t do anything for me.” And what I got was him defending himself at 6:40 AM were texts of him bashing at me. It was in the early morning, I couldn’t stand it anymore that I asked him (still considering his feelings) that we should break up. He told me that “I feel the same way” without any second to doubt about this relationship. It makes me feel like he wanted to break up with me a long time ago, but he just wanted me to be the person to initiate it. These are the unfortunate events after we broke up. Days:

  1. He publicized everything on facebook and his friends were being rude and immature about it. He even posted status that directed toward me
  2. I found out that he told his best friend that he is happy to be single and that he is in need of a friend with benefits and that he already has his eyes on some girl.
  3. While I am still grieving, he started flirting with other girls.
  4. He told a girl our most private/embarrassment moments.

Yes, it is my fault for being a noisy person, but that bastard should never have shown me his password. I was in shock – I cried constantly every day, was sleepless, and did not eat for the past week. I was like a walking zombie. I was so lost and didn’t know what was going on with me and how can he treated me this way. I have always loved him, and I would never do anything to hurt him. I was crushed and depressed. I lost weights and wasn’t in focus – I was losing myself that I began to scared my friends and my mom. This guy makes me feel dirty and disgusted – I felt used like a piece that just got thrown away after I was being stomped all over and wasn’t needed anymore. I was in depression, but at the same time, I am trying to fight against it because I don’t want to be like that – it’s not who I am. Till this day, I still wonder why do I still have feelings for such person, he hurt me so much that I have decided to move away from where I am currently living. Each day, I am haunted by the memories that we have together and scared of what I have became – an obsessed insane person who keeps on spying on him, wanting to know what trash will he talk and lie about next. I still don’t know why such a person can be so inhumane. I am too afraid to face the probably truth that he just used me for the sex. I hate him and wish all the bad things will happen to him. I wounded and is never the same because of this person. My innocence, trust, and most precious is raped by this manipulator and it is all my fault letting him in my protected zone. It’s all my fault.

 

i am sorry for the long story, i it makes it feel better as write out all that happened. I hope i can learned from this mistake and be happier, MUCH HAPPIER in the future. But first, i need to learn to love myself again.

sadgirl1990 sadgirl1990
18-21, F
Feb 9, 2010