I Have Close Friends, But...

For some reason, every couple of years I lose touch with close friends and make new ones. Since I'm in my early 20s and going from high school to college to grad school brings a change of friends anyhow, I'm not surprised by it, but I can't help to stop and think if there's something wrong with me.

It seems like I can't hold close friends for long and I feel bad about it. I envy people who have friends from the time of their early childhoods, because I don't have any friends like that. The longest I've known anyone as a close friend is my good guy friend, who I've known for over 8 years. I think we're good friends because he's gay, so he doesn't give me the same drama a girl would and he's definitely not after getting into my pants.

It's really really difficult for me to have close girl friends. I think it may have something to do with my love-hate relationship with my mom, or being burned from past friendships. Every few years, I used to make one close friend (a girl), who I would see and talk to everyday. This would dwindle after a while, most of the time because both of us were single at first and then my friend at the time would find a boyfriend. Our friendship would get one-sided, and I would become her shoulder to cry on, to whine and complain. Even when I'd call them out on it, the girls would tell me I should get a boyfriend, oh life is so unfair, blah blah blah. Conversations couldn't be real, everything would have to be about the guy. Relationships are important, but life doesn't end when you get one.

I tried making friends with guys but found that guys are difficult because you never know what might be going through their minds. One moment a friend, the next a predator, guys cannot to be trusted ("You cannot be trusted with minibar!" -- quote from the movie Boat Trip, haha, I digress...)

In a nutshell, what I'm trying to say is this: it's really hard to make good friends. The reason why I push some people away from my life is because I find their "friendships" draining and I'm tired of being someone's psychologist, taxi driver, or "background chick." I don't want to be the "extra" bridesmaid, the punching bag, or the next random girlfriend/hookup. I want someone who cares about me, the way I care about my friends. It's hard to find people who don't want to sell you something or get something from you.

At the moment I have about three close friends, I talk to each at least once a week or more, but see them only every couple of months. Is that weird? To some people, probably. I live in a neighborhood full of elderly people who don't like to mingle, so on a day to day basis the only people I interact with are family members or classmates at school. Maybe it's weird, but it's my world. True friends are hard to come by.


chancesbreathe chancesbreathe
22-25, F
5 Responses Mar 21, 2009

Haha ok, wow I didnt even look at the date. I know how fast things change. Iv only been on here 5 months and I think different about somethings I wrote when I first joined.

HowAboutNoScott - Thanks for your comment, I can't believe I wrote this story a year ago! Things haven't changed significantly lol, but I'm glad to say I have a couple of more friends now. And don't worry about my crazy grammar stuff, you're good. (Even if you make a mistake in the future I promise not to point it out, so relax :-D )

I dont think there is anything wrong with you, you change so much as you grow you only naturally change people you associate with. You are just concerned with making a successful life for yourself and not have really depend on another for your well being. 3 years ago, if I told myself I was gonna go ride a bike 20 miles I would have laughed until I turn blue and so would those I ran around with then. Don't beat yourself up :) (BTW I checked the spelling in this so you don't beat ME up haha :P)

I'll sell you my friendship for yours in return :)<br />
<br />
But lameness aside. I'm the same way. About 3ish close friends that I talk to every few days but see infrequently.

Thanks for the advice! You're totally right about trying to re-establish past friendships gone awry, it just doesn't work. I'll definitely take what you wrote into consideration.