Result Of Cheating...

Curious Maxdixon95....so because your gf didnt want to hurt your feelings or wasnt into public affection she deserved to be hurt?? Interesting...

It always amazes me how cheaters justify their actions by blaming the one they cheated on. Lol.

And while I understand that if you like public displays of affection and your gf doesnt, that can be difficult to deal with....and I also understand that learning your gf was faking an ****** may hurt your male ego; just a heads up, ALL WOMEN fake an ****** or two in EVERY relationship!!

Now, I am happy you found someone to be happy with, it sounds like she is a lot like you...I do have to ask; why didnt you just end your relationship if you were so unhappy before you decided to **** a girl who obviously has as little morals as you?? Why not be a man and do the right thing?? Oh yes, b/c she faked an ****** or two b/c she didnt want to hurt your feelings. Wow, thats horrible!!

Cheaters ALWAYS try to justify what they have done by talking about the person they cheated on in the worst possible way. It's amazing, however, that these people aren't man/woman enough to just end it. They sneak around... there is no excuse for cheater, you've been branded now that you've done it and there is no way to explain your way into being the victim.

As far as the ******* thing goes... I agree with you Wick... when women do that, it's to make their man feel better, like he's great when he IS NOT. That would mean that this girl was not only putting up with unsatisfying sex, but she was doing it with a smile because she cared. And then somehow men manage to turn that into something bad or wrong... it's amazing how often women try to protect men from the truth in relationships because as manly as they are, they can't handle the truth - it's AMAZING to me that people like this can get up in the morning and go about their day knowing that someone is broken because of them... someone who put on a show to make them happy.

Max, you're extremely immature and need to learn to accept the blame for your actions rather than looking to make yourself a victim. Men like you make the world a scary place to search for love.

It wasn't just that. I won't say i'm wrong. Mrs. Wicked we haven't had sex. But i did everything she asked of me. My mother even offered her a home, when she cried i would always comfort her.

But still...it just hurt that i would be getting no attention from her. She wouldn't even kiss me at times. I did try ending it. She came after me crying beggingin me to stay, me being a hopeless idiot agreed to her. I just kept on being hurt over and over again. I just let myself be hurt until i couldn't take it anymore. We broke up with eachother. I'm sorry if i seem like scum, but she was the one who told me she didn't love me anymore so we ended it together.

The new girl however makes me feel alive and happy. I'd never hurt her or cheat on her. I'd sooner cut my own throat than hurt her.

Thank you Come2daddy....I am flattered.

Mariposaroja1891....I agree...cheating is not always a result of sex. Cheating can also be a need for emotional reasons as well. And for me, neither are valid reasons.

We as a society have become selfish in whole...we want what we want, when we want it. There are little to no repricussions...groups/online sites encourage and make cheating easy. Divorce is almost a fad- for it is so easy to throw away anything or anybody that doesnt give you exactly what you want when you want it. It is sad...

And yes, I realize and know logical his actions were exactly his...I had NOTHING to do with him cheating yet emotionally I cant help but have self doubt(s).

Thank you for your comments and kind words!

You say his actions weren't because of you and you know I agree, but it is THOSE feelings that you have anyway that make cheating so terrible in my opinion. The fact that one person is robbed of so many things... your self esteem is destroyed, your confidence follows... it's amazing to me that people don't realize what they might be doing to someone and if they DO realize, that they don't care :(

I hope you find your way here and that whatever you REALLY want, whether it's romance or just a break to be who you want to be, you get!

I am not sure they should be but I gotta say, HotMomShaama, love the enthusiasum!

Maybe that's why they cheat. Because they're hung? LMAO! I crack myself up sometimes...

VSteele1, I am sorry you have been through it and I am sorry your heart is broken. You know many say when one cheats it is not about their spouse/mate but about them, I agree, BUT it becomes about their spouse/mate! The lying, the hiding, the cheating impacts the one being cheated on- it makes one doubt EVERY aspects in ones life; mentally, physically, spiritually, sexually . It is hard to get out of that hole of self doubt when you thought you had a great relationship with someone who loved and respected you as you did them only to find out it was all a lie. Its hard to move past the doubts....even for the strong sometimes. I hope your heart heals!!!

It has been 8 years since I last even had sex...I can't even see past the fact that if I get in another relationship I am gonna be cheated on...My heart will never heal and I will NEVER love again...I learned my lesson...and I learned it well...But do NOT be fooled...I do not doubt myself...Not in the least...I doubt EVERY WOMAN on the face of the planet...That is what happened to me...I now see EVERY woman as somebody that is going to trample on my heart...So I do not even give them the chance to get close...

Well I do not trust men....actually I lie, I don't trust anyway, I want to and every now and thwn I even try to but once I do I immediately push away. I always say I want to trust just one person once in my life w/o being disappointed/hurt. Perhaps I just have high expectations. And that is good you do not doubt yourself...sadly I am not in the same boat despite knowing the logics of it, I still battle "why? What did I do wrong?" You are a step ahead of me VSteele1.

Sadotslaveymail....first, intetesting username. And secondly, where are they?? Because honestly, I am having a hard time finding them....while I love EP for it is an awesome outlet however I also find it abit discouraging as there are a large number of individuals on here for the purpose of cheating- exchanging pics, sexting, online affairs and even some hook ups. And what saddens me most is many people do not feel or see how that can/will hurt the ones they are with; for some there simply is no remorse about their actions and there are people encouraging it, even praising this behaviour. I find it mind boggling to say the least.

yes i agree in that you both need to have all 3 elements to make the relationship work BUT if u really need to go outside your relationship to be sexually fulfilled then to me thats not a relationship- thats a friend of convience. And while I dont agree with open relationships I respect the individuals for being HONEST and upfront in their needs/wants, but this is NOT what my situation was. He lied and went to great lengths to cheat on me all while muttering sweet nothings in my ear. He treated me like a fool and made my life a lie- he disrespect our relationship every chance he got....I am sorry, his needs/desires and sexual fantasies mean **** to me!! I am no school girl, and we had fabulous adventureous sex....I was open to all adventures but he was SELFISH pure and simple.

Thank you for your input!!

I'm sorry he was selfish. Maybe he was too embarrassed to ask you for something, or maybe you couldn't provide what he wanted. He may have had true feelings for you, but again feelings alone or with one of the other elements, still isn't enough. That's why all three must be equally strong.

Crowbar53...I am sorry you are in those shoes, they really do suck!!

Can I ask; how do you get past it? How does one trust after you have worn such shoes?? I am struggling with it .... always have had some trust issues but this experience has made me even more mistrusting and I dont know how to change that or even if I can...

Thank you for the kind compliment.

Miss Ties, I'm not past it yet. After being married 25yrs and past 50 yrs. old, most woman (I think) pass you by for a young Stud!! I know being in a sexless marriage and not even sleeping together is horrible. I...like you, am leary of starting over again!!!

Hey...Its true. You shouldn't judge people till you're in a similar situation girl

Hey ....Screw you, " Pull up YOUR pants girl!! "

No I'm not a Cheater..Never have.

So sorry! Was just trying to share what I thought would help shed light on your experience. Hope your healing well!!

So happy to hear! But sorry for your loss! I understand the "new normal" as a result of the loss of a loved one. My daughter took her life two years ago. Going through this gives us a new and open window to life and what is really important. Thank you for sharing and encouraged by your healing!

BeMyBadGirl....thank you for the comments.

I agree with you partially, however; cheating hurts because it is an act of betrayal. It is not necessarily the act itself but the lack of respect it illustrates and conveys that is hurtful.
The cheater makes the choice that his or her needs/feelings/wants are more important than whom they are having a supposed monogonmous relationship with.
They lie and hide things that they KNOW will hurt the other.

And I do not believe ANY partner deserves that, no matter what they may or may not have done.

PS, thank you for the compliment about my writing.
They risk the other persons life by being with others-taking away their choice to protect themselves.
They make their partner live a lie; while their partner believe they are loved/respected and with a wo/man that is faithful/honest when in actuality the wo/man they are with is neither.

You make valid points. Still, I think you may be taking the actions of your partner personally, when they are not about you. That does NOT mean you should be left in the dark or lied to. There is a whole matrix of destructive behaviors that people enter into when they have others in their lives. The lies. The betrayal. The lost communication. Thing is, there can be lies and betrayal while remaining monogomous, and that can be as bad or worse.

I think you might want to have a different kind of talk with your partner if he is still in your life. Instead of making the cheating about you (which, as I said, I believe it not to be), make it about him and what drives the behavior. Find out what is going on in his soul. Find out what cheating gives him that you can't or won't. (Do you know married women who cheat sometimes want a man to treat them totally different and with less respect than do their husbands?)

Sometimes the things cheating gives are things you would do, if he asked you, but sometimes he may want to treat a girl like a ***** or a ****, and he can't do that to the woman he loves. Male sexuality, in different ways from but like female sexuality is confusing and nuanced.

I did ask many questions about 'why?' and 'what?'......and I do understand what you are saying however that doesnt justify the behaviour. You arent getting to play with a **** and need to **** others, then DONT be in a relationship!!

And it is personal...to say it isnt is ridiculous. The cheater made it personal by lying and hiding crap- treating someone so little respect. If it isnt personal then the cheater should have been upfront and honest, but they were too busy trying to have it all.

And I do agree sexuality is confusing and nuaced but like all things- if your actions hurt another perhaps its time to use some common sense, be a grown up and stop being so f'ing selfish!!

Just my two cents.

Thank you for the input.

Just so you know, while it personally impacts you and you do wind up in a "victim" status becuase something was done that "violates" you and your moral code, it still, from the other person, wasn't personally meant as a hurt to you. In a way cheaters are very selfish, but that is because they are seeing the world from their persepective. When I say it wasn't "personal" to you, what I mean is that you happened to be there when the cheating happened, and it impacted you. It will happen with anyone in his life, though.

The idea of it not being personal comes from a little book called "The Four Agreements". It is available for free online and quite well known. I meant the comment about it not being personal in the sense that the author of that book means it.

What can you take away from this experience that you can use to build a stronger and more to your liking relationship with someone else? Even if you did everything you thought you could in this relationship, there are ways to use his evil for your ultimate good.

BeMY BadGirl...yes I do understand what you are saying. And I do agree, the cheater tends not to realize or care what their actions are doing to another ; it's the old mentality of thinking "what s/he doesn't know won't hurt them" but in actuality it is pure selfishness and ignorance that helps to justify in their minds that thought process.
It is the same as "why tell them they aren't satisifying me in bed , that will hurt him/her so I hide it and look elsewhere", to me that comment is ludicrous. All I hear is ' I dont really want to fix whats wrong as I really just want to go out and f around so I tell myself I am saving his or her feelings by hiding it- really I am saint'
LMAO!!
The bottom line is, yes, I agree cheating is a result of pure selfishness. The cheater is not thinking about whom they are hurting, they are simply thinking about what they want/need. It is not done to hurt another (in most cases) but it is a reality of their actions no matter how they try to justify the behaviour. And while it is not personal or should I say, it is not done personally to the victim (lack of better word) it does create and impact their signicant mate personally; emotional, physically.

And I do agree...every experience, good or bad, is an opportunity to learn. I have learnt my instincts are BANG on!!

Thank you again for your comments!

While you are justly looking at the narcissism of the cheater, consider some other things, too. One thing that is hard to realize is that "our particular response" to any circurmstance is the right one. The thing that I have been learning is that a lot of behavior comes from pain in a person's life. It is easier to assign it to bad character or a myriad of other things that are all bad about the cheater. The word cheater carries so much weight that it offsets any good thing about the person and categorizes them as "cheater", as evil. None of the good things they are, have or have done are worth anything. Sometimes people's worst stuff comes out in what we do sexually. It is that thing about which we are supposed to have such control yet so many lose control. If you watch movies, television shows and read romantic "stuff" you get the idea that everyone, male or female, is ready at an instant to change from being hetero to "bi", or from monogomous to promiscuous. Then they develop a relationship and they are supposed to bounce back to monogomous. Meantime, partners forget what it was the drew them to their love, and also forget the things they did that won the lover's heart in the first place. This is equally true of both genders.

It is easy to talk about communicating. It is much harder to execute when you are looking at the face and realize that the words you say are not the words being heart, because the other person is not ready to receive what you have to say. What do you do when your partner spends more time at work than necessary, and has no energy for you. Add a kid to the mix. Do you still say, "Be a better spouse or I am leaving?" Humans tend to choose the easy way to solve a problem (people lie before they can even sort out the truth). It is easier to have an affair than to do the work on yourself needed to be a better partner. It is easier to just say the cheating partner is a low-life and move on. Many wonder why they always find partners that cheat.

I don't have the answers, really. I just know the questions keep getting more complicated.

Yes I agree..we as a society always look for the easy way out; that building is old, knock it down and rebuild; our marriage is not giving me all I want/need, get a divorce or have an affair. It appears that no one wants to put any effort into anything anymore- it is a mentality of when you have no use for it simply throw it away. And what is even more disheartening, people are standing on the sidelines cheering this behaviour on....

And while I do believe that cheating can be a result of personal pain, I do not believe that excuses or justifies one's behaviour. If you have read any of my non erotic stories, my childhood was not good, it played a LARGE part in molding who I am today- I have pain to this day that I deal with however, I know right from wrong, I can look at my behaviour and know that it can & will hurt another person. And then....here's the kicker...I CHOOSE not to hurt another person!! Because for me, the thought of causing someone pain as a result of my actions is not acceptable.

Now I do realize that some go from being very promiscuous &/or bi to a heterosexual monogomous relationship; it can be as they say, 'a learning curve' for some. And while there is NOTHING wrong with being bi ( I myself am bi) nor with being promiscuous however, if you are, should you not be truthful to the one's you are with and yourself and NOT get into a monogomous relationship??? Be an adult, accept who you are, be proud and dont settle for something your heart is not behind....and dont choose to make the other person settle.
Honestly really does go a long way, not only in a relationship but also in one's own sense of self-worth.

As for the cheaters character....well I partially agree with you. Many people who have cheated are great friends/siblings/children and offer many wonderful contributions to a relationship. However (and thats a big however), the fact that one has chosen to lie, and live 2 lives essentially IS a not exactly a great character trait, is it???

As to your comment, "it is easier to to have an affair than do the work on yourself....It is easier to just say the cheating partner is a low-life and move on. Many wonder why they find partners that cheat." I had to think about that comment a bit....and for me I agree to a point, people find it easier to just have an affair than either work on themselves or their relationship nevermind going through the process of divorce/seperation etc. I do think that a cheater loses respect by their actions....I think cheaters take the people they have in their life for granted. It is all about them and while they may battle some concerns as to what they are doing, it does not stop them from continuing on. They naively think their actions will not impact anyone else; their partner, their children, their families/friends, themselves.
Their greed of getting some (for whatever reason) ruins lives!! Their lies eat away at one's trust/respect/love and selfworth yet they continue to do so. They make their partner live a lie....

You see, cheating does define one's character for they have choosen to do an act that hurts and destroys relationships; why would anyone want to have such a person in their life??

And as you, I do not have all the answers....I just know how it felt for me to find out my supposed loved one lied to my face everyday so he could go **** others. To find out that after taking me on a fantastic bday trip, two days we were home, he was setting up **** dates. Those actions, nulified anything he had done for me or said.....because....ALL my trust was gone. How do you possibly trust someone who has no problem lying to my face, making me feel guilty for questioning him when all a long I was right? How do you not take that personally? How do you not think of that person as a 'low-life' who didnt appreciate all I was?? How do you ever respect that person again?? Perhaps if it had happened once, maybe there would be room for forgiveness but that is not the case.....instead he such little respect for me that even though he was caught once before and I tried to forgive and trust again, he just kept doing it, over and over. Tell me, what does that say about his character???

For him, the lie was easier than the work. You are well rid of him. There are partners who won't work on the relationship. There are partners who are the "victims" of cheating who don't get the message that something is wrong and commit themselves to working together to fix what is broken. I suspect you deserve way better than you got. I don't think your former partner has outgrown fifth grade game playing (I think your spelling suggests UK, so I will say latter primary school game playing).

People are interesting in how they think things can be fixed. Some men and women think the way to punish the cheating partner is to deny them sex or go even more vanilla than before. Emotionally, I can understand this, but logically it is unbelievably flawed. If you have a partner for whom sex is important enough that they go for it in illicit ways, the way to teach them to be loyal to you is NOT by denial. Men and women do this. It will push the partner to cheat. Better to say I won't ever sleep with you again so if you want sex that much, divorce me and find someone who will tolerate your cheating.

Sounds like you and I share some common background "stuff". It impacted us differently, but we are different genders, different culturally, etc. I have become more willing as I have gotten older, to see behavior as a symptom and I want to get to the core. Yet my own wife leaves me totally frustrated and thinks she is wonderful and I am lucky to have her. Yet for her sex is not important. For her she will be quite happy to never have sex again. The idea that a woman would willingly take a man's **** in her mouth is just beyond her belief and any woman that would must have a very low self image. The idea that a man would want that must indicate that he is gay, or leans gay. The idea that a man would want to lick a woman and pleasure her orally, well, that is just gross. Consequently I doubt we have had sex in 3 years. I have not cheated during that time, but I would be easy prey for a woman who was sexual and wanted me. I fall to other things (eating, cooking, etc). But that is because a prime need is left unmet.

I do a lot of online chatting and imagining and trying to get to the core of why we do what we do as humans. I do know that cheating is a universal phenomena. I am surprised that in this day and age, more women than men cheat. And women who cheat do so with more partners, at least according to some current research. Over half of all married people cheat, at some point. This is all scary stuff and makes you understand why young people are not always so anxious to be married.

JSlider....thank you for the comment and compliments!! I will be honest, I have not been writing much; I can say it is due to a busy life but in reality all my feelings/experiences are filled with anger and some unhappiness and frankly, I do not want to write about that anymore.

Understand! Thank you for your honesty! Hope your healing well! Hoping for a rich day for you!

Thank you for comment Johnlava....and I agree, there are many reasons for cheating, however, I do not believe that any are valid or excusable.

I've been dealing with it for several years...and I don't know why :(

Subjave....first, my apologies for such a late reply.

He both are very open about our sexuality, we have experienced (together) being with an other couple/male, and to a swinging party....that being said, the couple and party was while we were just FWB...the other male, however, while we were together. I was very upfront with him from the get-go what I am like when in a relationship, I gave him MANY outs. I do prefer monogomy BUT I am open to exploring TOGETHER from time to time. That being said, I do not want my life to be about 'getting with others' as I feel it takes away from the relationship and in time, ruins it.

Now, frankly he had it all, yet...it wasn't enough. He couldn't sit back and appreciate all he had, instead he sat back and thought about all he didn't have. He took for granted I'd always be there and when he was done f'ing others, I'd be home ready and willing to comfort him and f him. "She'll never find out" "what she doesn't know wont hurt her". It was all about HIS needs and to hell with me.

Any yes, I do agree, there are many people who believe in open relationships and while I do not, personally, agree in them I cant help but admire the honesty the individuals that are living in such relationships.
But that is what it is all about....HONESTY....the cheating; ******* others isn't really the true issue...it's the lack of respect for one to lie and hide things to such great extents. It is the fact that he choose to f others and then turn around and f me without telling me about the risks (ie: bareback). He took away MY choice. Deemed my thoughts/feelings and health irrelevant - that is the issue!

Thank you for your comments!! *smiles*

Just a thought here, most men have it hardwired in their genes to have sex with as many women as possible. The saying a hard **** has no conscience is proof of this. It is all about keeping the species alive. Now notice I said "most men", there are some of us that know about how our bodies work and how and why we want sex so much. Of all species the human is less geared for reproduction but we have more in our lives and art that is geared for sex. Only two species on the earth that have sex for pleasure, and we are the only ones that can have sex with the same sex. Cheating does hurt, and honesty is the one quality that has to be in every relationship. As well as seeing and loving your partner as you love yourself. I don't think he loved himself, and I don't think he was honest with you. Reading what you wrote it is obvious that you are a lovely person and will be happy in your life as you go forward.

Thank you Subjaye.

Yes I believe he isn't happy with himself; he has health issues (diabetes) and worries that one day he won't be able to get it up. I asked him, " do you feel you need to have as much wild and kinky sex as you can get for when you wont be able to? memories to hang onto...." He just stared at me and then 5 minutes later said "no". He also feels he has no friends, so I think he answers ads b/c it is a way to feel like he does, even if it is for a short time. He kept telling me I was his best friend, his only friend yet he did everything to sabotage that. I just dont understand and I probably never will.

Thank you again for your kind words! *smiles*

This is on a more personal note here, and totally aesthetic, but I can't get over how much you look like my late wife. This is a complement to the highest order.

I have just checked some of my old texts about your responses and I just wanted to check and see if I was correct and it validated my opinion in that he didn't love himself. This is seen many times and more pronouncedly with criminals. They don't love themselves and so they can't see anyone else loving them. If someone does then they try to sabotage the relationship. It is the same as when a law enforcement individual goes into prison. Since he is supposed to protect society from criminals and he betrays that trust then criminals try to kill them so that they will not be associated with them. That is why there is so much violence in prison. They deal with dishonesty in a violent way.

Thank you!

My pleasure.

Take care of yourself.

I would say both were....and I am sorry!!

No skin off my back. I'm glad she's not my problem anymore. Now he gets to deal with her. (Which should to be fun.)
I'm sorry for you. You seem to really be feelin' it.

Yes, FrankGallagher, I do feel it....I loved him dearly, still do. There is a part of me that wants to believe he will change, he will see the light and realize how wonderful I am yet I also know that HE ****** UP. All I did was love him, try to be the best gf I could, be honest yet it wasn't enough; I wasn't enough. It has left me with so many doubts and emotions that I am having a hard time recovering from.

It is funny though, your response "no skin off my back" makes me think of that saying 'Men are from Mars and women are from Venus'....many men would have the same response followed by 'glad to be rid of her' while most women go through, plain and simple, depression.

Well, excuse me if it's "no skin off my back"... What exactly should I be missing?! Not appreciation. Not love. Not for lack of trying!
I let her live with me for 3 years rent free, I fed and watered her, and since she didn't drive I took her everywhere and anywhere. And what did I get in return from that woman? A whole lot of misery from that cheat who took me for granted.
She left a bitter taste in my mouth that I am truly happy to be free of, and although she treated me this way I was loyal to her right to the end.

Thank you Speed61...and I hope I do!!

I'm sure u will!

As simple and truthful as it gets.

Well thank you both, RachaelR & Nschildress.....perhaps you are right and perhaps I will experience that myself.

You must find one who wants you for you.
You.
As you are.
R

Thank you R....I am trying! *smiles*

BTW... My girl and I live a semi-poly lifestyle, but this is the first relationship I've done that in. I've never cheated and can say the same for most of my guy friends, honest and incorruptible to a fault. Being monogamous isn't about finding the perfect person that will never make someone want to stray. It's about commitment, discipline, and putting the other person's feelings above your own.

I'd agree completely with the above assessment, but I'd go a step further and say that successful relationships are more about working together to make sure both parties are emotionally/sexually satisfied rather than putting the feelings of one above the other. Thanks for your comment on my comment!

Fayeweather...thank you for your comments and while I do not personally want or believe in a polyamorous lifestyle I do respect that the individuals choosing that lifestyle live it honestly, ie no cheating. And I do believe SOME men and SOME women crave variety and do not want monogomous relationships, and that is their choice and I can respect that. That being said, what I have issues with are the individuals that want open or poly relationships yet they get involved in monogomous relationships. In essence, they CHOOSE to lead that individual on, playing with that persons life, emotionally and physically. They take the choice away of their supposed loved one- to me, that act of lying despite knowing the certainty that their actions will hurt the other is disrespectful and well, not love. At least not the kind I want.

Nschildress.....I agree with you. I believe a monogomous relationship does incorporate honestly, discipline, COMMITTMENT, love and respect for the other person and the desire to want to see that other person happy, satisified. Hence, I also see Fayerweather's further point of working together. Thank you both for your comments.

Oddjob007....YES, he cheated. At first he said he just looked through the ads, responded to a few, enjoyed the rush. But, I knew he did more, I read his emails, placed a phony ad, he responded within minutes of posting all while chatting with me via text he was responding to my ad via email.

I knew he cheated, I could feel it and if there is one thing I have learnt, my gut feelings are bang on!! Anyway, he ended up saying he got a few bjs but nothing else- which was ridiculous considering all the effort he went through to hide it, to place ads, to meet people. I would try to call him and suddenly he was never available- but he texted me first thing in the morning (6am) and gave me some b/s about his cel freezing up or he fell asleep and didn't hear his phone. Anyway, I point blankly told him I felt he was lying, he eventually admitted he cheated, a 3some and then had the f'ing nerve to give me attitude.

And I agree, cheaters live double lives.....what they dont understand (well a majority dont) that by doing that, they make the life with the supposed loved one a lie. And for me, it made me feel like I had wasted my time and emotions on someone who was okay with lying/cheating and risking my life. His actions did nothing but disrespect our relationship...and me.

And while I know, logically, that sex was not the reason he cheated b/c frankly I am one hell of a great catch, I am open minded and incredibly adventurous with a high drive....I am not perfect, body wise or such but I am a great person who is kind, loving and loyal (when worthy). Yet....emotionally/mentally you cant help but feel incredible worthlessness...one doubts themselves, particularly women for we are taught very young that our sexuality is our power. Needless to say, it stands with reason that when our supposed loved one f*cks around on us we cant help but have doubts and blame ourselves- for some it is very temporary but for others it sticks for a long time and infects future relationships.

Men need variety. But their moral drive should be stronger than their sex drive. Girls just aren't into that these days though.

Nschildress...i've heard that before but frankly I think that is a cop-out. Women like variety....we get bored too....i think it would surprise MANY men just how much their significant others get tired of the same old moves and lack of romance/foreplay wears on us. However, as you pointed out, MORALS or lack of comes into play. Most women are less likely to run out and cheat b/c 'I need variety'....all i have to say is if you NEED variety dont get in a committed relationship!!

I completely agree (except I don't think it surprises many men to hear that these days). I think you misunderstood my last sentence. I was saying that women are more attracted to amoral men these days. That's part of what is driving the behavior of men.

Yes I did misunderstand your last sentence, sorry and thank you for clarifying. I do not, however,think more women are attracted to amoral men but rather there are fewer men that show morals when it comes to monogomy and sadly, many women feel they have put up with it.

I can see why you'd say that but I strongly disagree. People are somewhat Darwinistic in that they adapt to the situation at hand. 100 years ago being ethical and moral was lauded. Today, it's scene as weak and naive. Further, the stereotype of women going after bad boys is so well-worn, basically no guy would refute it. Some women try, but most admit it too.

100 years ago a woman chose a husband for life so they were competing for men who had higher ethics and morals knowing the stakes. Today, women compete for guys that get the most women. Women's independence means they can go after whoever they want without the same consequences. They have abortions, alimony, child support, reputation doesn't matter. They pick amoral men because picking a moral man is safe and easy which equals boring.

I can understand your points.....and I have no doubt that some women that do exactly what you suggest, however, the majority of women ( I know) do as you also said; adapt.

In general our society has become selfish, it is so easy to throw away anything or anybody who does not meet one's standards. It is easy to justify hurting , decieving one's supposed loved ones b/c "s/he doesn't give me all that I want". And if that isn't enough, there are others cheering that behaviour on....it sickens me that morals and just general common sense has deteriorated so much that cheering and encouraging one to purposely hurt another individual (whether by cheating, taking one for all they are worth) has become a norm.

I think that view is one of perception, caused by overlooking all the good, boring guys. There are a lot of decent men out there that don't get a second look. (To be fair, guys overlook unattractive women in the exact same way). I also think a lot of women use the "there's no good guys left" cop out as an excuse to go after whoever catches their fancy.

Your own story seems to illustrate my exact point. In your first sentence, you imply you met under questionable circumstances and even should have known he would cheat. At every step, you show that how your feelings about him are more important than his character. In effect, your attraction outweighed your morals. I'm probably out of line, but I see that as your share of moral failure.

Once you accept that it was your initial choice that led to your predicament, can you see that your future choices can avoid it. The question is if you have the moral fortitude.

Neuilly....yes perhaps some others were hurt as well; his children whom grew attached to me, his friends whom I began to befriend. However, as far as other women, no, I do not believe in this instance that they were...he answered ads and placed ads on Craigslist (casual encounters), and there wasn't just women! He 'lived out' his sexual fantasies sorta a speak which is fine but he should NOT have asked for a relationship period if he 'needed' to be with others!

And yes, I agree.....people don't cheat just b/c of sex. Nor do I agree that when one cheats it is 'just sex'. It is NEVER just sex....there is emotion/feelings connected to it. Maybe they do not have feelings for the person they cheat with but there is emotion/feelings that they need/want from the act itself otherwise they would simply not search out that behaviour. As you say, perhaps it is the thrill of it or the need to know they are wanted, maybe they need change, variety for they feel uncontent/bored without. Maybe they feel they do not have an intimate connection with their partner so they search it out or perhaps they feel under appreciated or unloved or it is simply a bad relationship. And while I would never want anyone to be unhappy, infact if you feel you are not in a positive relationship no matter the reason, I would be the first person to say to move on and find your happiness, however.....and this is a BIG however.....NOT at the risk of hurting another person.

For me, one's reason(s) for cheating is irrelevant. If one is unhappy, change it....make the decision to either work on the existing relationship or make the unpleasant and yes hard decision to end the lacking one in search of happiness. Be an adult....life is full of unpleasant decisions, hard times....but it is how one deals with those times that makes a person and defines one as a true adult.

My point for bringing up reasons for the cheating, is because you did. And I wanted you to realize that his reasons may have nothing to do with you at all. It is all about him. And yet we look back and think, what did I do wrong?..Why didn't i realize what he was about? We blame ourselves for not seeing, not knowing, not being aware of what he was up to., We blame ourselves for not being smart enough to see the truth about this person. And the real truth is, these people are very good at leading a double life. They are very good at living a lie. And they are good at it, because they have had a lot of practice at deceiving others.

I`m not sure I agree with you about `emotions` in cheating; its an urge but it goes beyond emotion.

Neuilly....I agree with you. And as I have said before....logically I KNOW his actions are his actions, it is not my fault but you cannot as the person who realizes the great loving relationship you thought you had was really not so good or loving. B/c for me, if you truly were in love with me, you could/would not CHOOSE to do something that you KNEW would hurt me. And in this case I think it is a natural response to blame oneself at first....but believe me, I do NOT think that now!!!

Oddjob007.....perhaps emotion is the wrong word, but simply one cheats b/c they are in search of a feeling; could be a sense of sexual pleasure, the thrill of danger, the need to feel wanted/desired or even just variety. All in all, to me, cheating is a result of selfishness.....no matter the reasoning.

I must agree with you; selfishness is at the heart of the matter.

This man is out of your life now I take it?

Mejhalak....interesting comment. And while I believe everything happens for a reason; there is something we are to learn from each experience, good or bad, I do not agree with the quote " the fault is of the sufferer" .....Or perhaps I do not understand it. I would agree with it if I had chosen to stay with the person whom cheated (hurt me), then yes for I chose to be hurt again- in turn chosing to suffer.
Can you explain the comment more; I would like to understand.

:)
Sure.
Would PM You. Prayers.
__/|__

Well I am sorry to hear you get it Geoffersp- as that would indicate you've all been thru it...and frankly that sucks! Can I ask, if I have concluded correctly, do you trust now??I am having such a hard time with that. ..

Yes, I have been through all the torture, and continue to do so (it's a long story, love is so very powerful. It is all explained if ever you wish to take time to read my whining stories).

Your conclusion is correct, but not necessarily the right one. I want to trust. I am going to. We HAVE to, if we are going to find even a glimmer of happiness (or at least some kind of contentment).

yes Sinathamby....I think you may be right!

Eric99, thank you the words and kindness. You are right, being true to oneself is key to ones happiness.....but I must admit it is hard at times to be open to love when something like this happens; so many questions are left unanswered and as a result there is often a sense of 'what did I do wrong?' and 'how do allow myself to open up, trust, love only to be hurt like this again?'. And while you know the logical answer, your emotions dont always see the logic.....anyway, thank you again!

Agreed with you...Fear to love again cos fear being dumped and make to look like a fool!When young we just find a new love.When older...we chase after our old love...even older ...our old love dump us...That is why I vowed in marriage...for better and for worse...now at 54 God take care of our future...BEautiful ties...GOD never make mistakes...He can bring you to a true love!

Thank you...and perhaps one day I will find him for I refuse to accept cheating as a reality to any relationship. *smiles*

Good for you.

You give me hope!! Thank you!! :-)

You're welcome.

Thank you...and done.