It Makes Marriage Pointless

The whole point of marriage is a LIFETIME relationship.  If you want a temporary relationship, just get a boyfriend or girlfriend.  When you make the vow, you say "until DEATH be us part," not "until divorce be us part."  Some argue that divorce can be a good thing because it's a way out of abusive relationships.  But if you have an abusive partner, DON'T MARRY THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE.  You made the commitment, so it's your job to stick with it and not sissy out and give up.  It causes a lot more problems than help.  Maybe you can get out of an abusive relationship, but then you scar your kids for life if you have kids, and you have a lot more problems after the divorce than you did when you were married.  I think divorce should be illegal.  If it was, we wouldn't have so many broken families.

RopinTexan RopinTexan
22-25, M
30 Responses Jul 11, 2008

I don't believe in divorce either but if there are no relations i'm not sure what a married couple in this jam should do especially with kids but I do feel sex is very important in our lives and we need to make that a priority also-- my married friends have kids and do it...most of them tell me if there are no personal relations then decisions have too be made

Biblically, "It is better to marry than to burn with passion." The main reasons people get divorced is because people do not live, or treat marriage the way the God intended. If we did that we wouldn't get divorced or do many other things that are wrong. The closer you treat marriage the way it is supposed to be treated the more successful it will be. Unfaithfullness is a very legitimate grounds for divorce on all counts. And as far as abuse goes, no one benefits from abuse, not children, not couples, not society. To insinuate that someone should stay in a marriage that is abusive, AND WITH KIDS, is just preposterous and insensitive. Would you want someone beating you whenever they wanted, putting the lives of you and your children in danger? This is just my Christian perspective, so that's where I'm coming from.

Actually, you contributed to it more positively than anybody else. I could relate to your comments more because you live with your parents and because you're a Christian. But still, I'm done talking about this. I'll check and see if you're on MSN now...

I totally understand what you're all saying. I'm tired of debating this though...I think all we're doing now is beating a dead horse. So let's call it quits, at least for a while.

Did'nt Jesus say to follow the spirit of the law and not the letter ? <br />
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My fiance was kind of torn up for awhile because his daddy was a preacher and told him when he marries it was for life and to never remarry. His wife slept around on him constantly and he put up with it. He'd come home and find her in his bed with someone else. She started doing drugs which she spent all the money on, then started sleeping with drug dealers. My BF knew if he stayed and kept trying to make it work, he'd end up in prison simply for being in the environment. He was so desperate to make it work because what his dad said and what the bible said....he started doing drugs too and became an addict. He thought maybe that was the only way to not care and make the marriage work.( she would not accept counciling or anything ) He saw the folly of that though and went trhoguh his withdrawls, got clean and she kept pushing drugs in his face and sleeping around. He finally decided he was already in hell so he left her. We are going to marry. We know intrinsically that we have his dad's blessing ( his dad died ) and that under the circumstances, he believes he has God's blessing too.

Sometimes the lesser of two evils is the only thing left to do.<br />
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You seem to think that you "know" everything about a person before the marriage. Oddly enough...most people do think when they say "I do". <br />
However that's unfortunately not true.<br />
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I grew up with my first husband. Knew him all my life. Knew his family too. He was good as gold when we dated. Then after the "I dos" he mutated into someone I not only did not know...but in my worst night mares never would have said hello to, much less married.<br />
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He was abusive to the point on a couple of occassions I woke up in the hospital. He also chose to "correct" our new born. I decided my life and the life of my son were worth more than that piece of paper. <br />
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I married again. Yep...sure did. Sinful creature that I am. My sons were never confused. They did not suffer, in fact they thrived. Eagle Scouts, top 2% nation wide in high school, friends, family, One is married with a son of his own now. another engaged. Successful, well ajusted young men. (The oldest is thirty). <br />
Unfortunately after 15 years my "loving husband" decided it was fine to plant his wild oats somewhere else. So for the last 10 years I have been house elf and drone. Yes divorce was looking very very good. Heck of a lot better than being invisibile. Weeks go by with out a word from my wonderful wonderful man.<br />
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I was actually in the process of dissolution. But my future died. Literally. <br />
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So before you make the assessment that divorce is never right, and that one automatically knows the heart, mind and soul of the other before marriage. Weigh the probabilities. <br />
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People don't enter marriage thinking I'm getting a divorce, nor do they get divorced on whims.

I read it. You do seem to be right. However, it does mention in that chapter that he's giving suggestions, not commands. Also, this is Paul writing to a specific church...not Jesus speaking to the entire world. I'm not trying to make excuses, but it's something to keep in consideration.<br />
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Anyway, I do agree that keeping children in abusive families is very harmful and definitely a bad choice, I still can't see how you would think that makes divorce a GOOD choice. Maybe a better choice, but again, it's the lesser of two evils. Even though the divorce may help the child out of a bad situation, it will still cause some pain. If the child is very young, like I was, they will always have some unanswered questions. If not, they will probably still wonder what it would be like if the divorce never happened. At least I would. I would wonder, "What if my mother/father/whoever the abusive parent was had changed? What if the good parent had convinced the other parent to be a better person?"

if divorce were illegal, we would have far more murders and people in prison from trying to save their own life, their kids life, or the abusive spouse ended up killing the wife and kids. Had my dad divorced my mom, I would'nt have gone through the sheer hell that was my childhood. I lived in a constant state of fear 24/7 until she died. I had nightmares about her for years. had I not left my kids dad I have no doubt my children would be dead as well as myself. I still have scars from when he stabbed me and tried to kill me one night. He kicked my daughters head into a door. My other daughter he made stand in the middle of the room when she had a 103 fever, would not let me take her to a doctor and told her he did'nt love her because she was only pretending to be sick but she was actually possessed by the devil and proceeded to cast out the demons by screaming at her all night. You would not divorce this person ? He had quit drinking when I met him. he started agin and refused any kind of treatment. he was also inappropriate with the girls when drunk. Should I have kept myself and my daughters in this environment with no hope of us ever being happy or unafraid ?

News flash, most abusive partners don't show you they are abusive until after the marriage. I know this one from experience. Kind of like you don't know the guy is a ********* until after you've had kids with him.<br />
I believe in divorce only for reasons of extreme emotional and physical abuse. In other cases, you are absolutely right. It's far too easy to walk away. marriage is a contract and a committment, it's a vow for life. I think something should be written into the vows about spouse abuse so it negates the vow if extreme abuse is committed. Also what about infidelity ? technically that's emotional abuse. I mean what if you come home time and time again from work to find your wife in your bed with a different guy ? You would stay with her the rest of your life and be faithful to her while she emotionally wrecked you ? I just think some situations are extreme enough to warrant divorce.

Interesting what you bring up about choosing situation was a bit of a double-edged sword. On one hand, I didn't have to choose. On the other hand, I didn't GET to choose. I was only two years old and probably had no clue what was going on. I'm not even sure how I ended up with my mom...I guess the courts decided that. Who friggin' knows.

Thanks for explaining Sleepless...I wanted to know why they got divorced too...not just why they got married.<br />
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Speechless, I never said that taking kids out of an abusive marriage does more harm than staying. I can see why you read it that way though. Really, there is no good option in a situation like that. Both are going to harm the children. But here's another thing. I believe couples should work on their marriage for a while before they have children. If your relationship with your spouse doesn't come first and isn't healthy, you're not going to be able to responsibly raise children.<br />
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Interesting point, FITW...I have not read that passage before. But I'm going to have to do my own research in order to see what context it lies in.

Sleepless42, I noticed how you very clearly explained why your parents did NOT get divorced, yet you avoided explaining why they DID by using the weak, vague excuse, "s*!t happens." can you please explain your logic here? S*!t happened with my parents too...but what the frick is that supposed to mean?

I agree with you both, WWWWW and FITW...that is one of the huge reasons for the high divorce rate, especially among Christians. People just don't think. The reason I say especially among Christians is particularly because of sexual temptation. Since Christians tend to be against premarital sex, as soon as they encounter sexual temptation, they think, "Oh no...we better hurry up and get married so that we can have sex without sinning!" That's a HUGE mistake. Of course, there are countless other reasons too. But that's an example of the whole "lesser of two evils" principle. Do I believe it's wrong to have sex before you're married? Yes. On the other hand, do I believe it's wrong to get married simply to avoid sexual temptation? YES. Ideally, you wouldn't do either of the above, but neither one is more wrong than the other.

So, if marriage is so complicated and people change and all that good stuff... why commit to be together forever? It seems to me like people rush to get married and then rush to get divorced. Why is there so much pressure to get married and start a family? What if that does not work for some people? <br />
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Also, I think at our age, with our limited experiences, we can't say much. I have this view of the world. It's such a large and wonderful placed filled with good people... (somewhere, I'm sure.) Then you start to grow up, go out on your own, and see how the world is, and it's not so lovely anymore. Same can be said about marriage/divorce/relationships.

Yeah, I do realize what you're saying, FITW. Honestly, I have been having some mixed feelings about divorce, now that I know so many divorcees. It's definitely a bad choice, but you do sometimes have to choose the lesser of two evils I guess...

What about the one against murder?

I've never thought that one of my parents couldn't love me...that's never been an issue. However, I believe you're right about having no communication about the event. I do know that my parents are basically polar opposites, which I'm sure caused lots of conflict.

If I'm not too bold to say so, I think that might be the core issue here is that there isn't any open and honest communication about the event which in turn leaves you with the question marks. Not only regarding the divorce, but on your whole existence. I know for myself I always wondered how my mother could love me when I am half of my father. If she didn't love him, how could she love me?<br />
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Again, this is my own opinion of a situation I know very little about. But if you need someone to talk to or vent at, please message me.

Yes, I am a child of divorced parents, hazeldreams. They got divorced so early in my life, I can't even remember the divorce, but they won't tell me a whole lot about why it happened.

In your opinion. Tell me, are you a child of divorced parents? Is that why you feel so strongly about this? I am a product of such a marriage myself, and on top of that my own father abandoned me. So I can certainly sympathize with you if that is the case.<br />
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Divorce is never easy on kids, but sometimes it is whats best for him/her. My father, though too lazy to be physically abusive, was a master manipulator. Who made the entire house feel unsafe and unhealthy. <br />
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I am much better off because of his absence, and because my mother finally had the insight to divorce him.

Well of course they shouldn't stay together for the wrong reasons...they should stay together because they love each other and care. Divorce is what causes those broken homes...

What about broken homes? Couples shouldn't stay together for the wrong reasons. That only causes broken homes.

If you think marriage should be until death be you part, why shouldn't it be illegal?

I don't agree that divorce should be illegal but I do agree that marriage is "til death do you part".<br />
If I get into a relationship that's so serious I marry them, I don't even want the possibility of divorce unless they become abusive or seriously unfaithful.

Well, I guess it depends on whether you love your spouse or your kids more...

Well said, Autimom--that was kind of the point I was trying to make also, but I think I fell short...<br />
There are no guarantees when marrying someone that they wont change, or begin to display 'deal breaker' behaviors...and a loving home is far more important to children than being with both biological, miserable parents 100% of the time. I took my vows very seriously--my exspouse did not. The toughest decision I ever made was divorce, but it was also the best for my kids...<br />
I made the right decision--Im glad your parents did, too!

No disrespect, but I could tell you were quite young reading this story. There is NO WAY to be 1,000,000% sure that the one you marry is going to be the one for you 5, 10, 20 or more years down the road. There are just too many variables. I don't believe people should live unhappy, or in misery. You can't be sure someone won't start a behavior that is a deal breaker for the commitment you made to them. Be it abuse, adultery,drug use, or any of the many other things that can come about. What about the many people in marriages with spouses that stop showing them love, affection, and having sex with them? Should the just accept that as their fate and live out the rest of their lives without something that is such a basic need, something that should be a right in marriage? <br />
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You fail to understand the way people can change through the years. Love dies. I believe it is much worse for children to live in a home where there is no love or even open hostility. I believe it is much worse for children to be a witness to an unhealthy, screwed up example of what marriage is then to have divorced parents. <br />
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I'm thankful for divorce. I would have much rather grown up in the home with my wonderful step-father then with my abusive, alcoholic father. No telling what kind of effect that might have had on me and my brother.

You need to make sure that you're 1,000,000% sure you want to live with your spouse for the rest of your life before you get married. Make sure you know them. Don't just go out one night and then say you "love" them and ask them to marry you. If people did that, there would be no need for divorce.

People change. I didn't marry a cheater or an abusive man, but I ended up with just that. Although divorce may 'scar' children in many ways, I think it is far worse to stay in a relationship where children see their father mistreating their mother--be that emotionally or physically--and mom enduring it day after day. It is NOT okay for children to grow up believing that is the way women are to be treated. I didnt go into my marriage believing I would get divorced--I dont think anyone does, but I also have never regretted divorcing my husband and ending the emotional abuse my children had to witness daily. It was not a decision I made lightly, and after exploring every other alternative, was my 'last resort'...I have not regretted that decision for a second.

If divorce were illegal i think the murder rate would go up. A broken family can describe both one that is split by divorce and one that is just down right dysfunctional. But i also think that it should be a lot harder to get marreid (more of the commitment you speak of) and divorce should be a lot easier....