He Was Not My Responsibility

When I was in my previous relationship, I was so convinced that I could "fix" my boyfriend. I really believed that I could change him and make him stop treating me so badly. When he became depressed, I believed it was up to me to make all of his problems go away. When he killed himself, I thought it was all my fault. I thought it was my job to save him. His family blamed me at first. The morning they found his body, his brother called me and the first thing he asked me was "What did you do? What did you say to him?"

We were in a long distance relationship. I was more than 400 miles away when he died. If I could've saved him, then surely someone across the hall from his bedroom could have, right?

I've learned to stop blaming myself. The only person to blame was him. He wasn't my responsibility. I did everything I could. From 400+ miles away, I really did everything I could. I listened to him, and talked to him. We'd spend hours on the phone together. I tried so hard to understand and be there, even if I couldn't physically "be there." There was no stopping him. I couldn't "fix" anything. I wanted to. I couldn't.

paperalias paperalias
22-25, F
3 Responses Feb 26, 2010

you are a person of great heart

He had problems you couldn't have possibly fixed. It could have been triggered at any time & over anoher ordeal ..involving anything. It's sad & complicated.

u r right this is not your fault..don't think about it at all...